Understanding Your Own Story

On the surface, this story is about high performance, sports, and failure. But underneath, it’s about feeling replaced, deflated, rejected, and deeply embarrassed. It’s about losing a sense of purpose and identity. Becoming a shell of who I was. Imposter syndrome and finally being exposed as a fraud.

On the surface, it’s about education, coming-of-age, college experience, writing essays, applying, researching. But underneath, it’s about ego and what it’s like to have portrayed to the world an image that no longer fits the reality within. It’s about needing to hide, to cover up, to divert, to distance. It’s about feeling ashamed and embarrassed and inferior. It’s about feeling powerless and “floating” with no grounding or direction.

While addiction usually has a particular, like drugs or alcohol or sex or porn or gambling or shopping or what have you, there are deeper waters within. It’s about a deep sense of worthlessness, always being insufficient, inadequate, inferior. It’s about futility of hope, erosion of perseverance. It’s about feeling deeply flawed and broken and beyond repair. Different. Other.