How to work through conflict in relationships: therapist reacts to “Schism” by Tool
I’m Taylor Palmby, a licensed therapist, and I’m about to explore the meaning of “Schism” by Tool. What can we learn about relationships from the lyrics?
“‘Cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering
Fundamental differing
Pure intention juxtaposed
Will set two lovers’ souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes
Testing our communication.””
I really like the lyrics, and the sound. It’s about a conflict in a relationship. I really like this line: “pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers’ souls in motion / disintegrating as it goes.”
It's like your intentions are so pure and so good, and sometimes in love, your intentions get lost. The impact of your intentions is not always as positive as you'd like it to be.
I feel like this song is a template. I feel like it's doing my job for me.
I like this other line:
“The light that fueled our fire then
Has burned a hole between us.”
The passion that started the relationship, that started everything, can sometimes feel like it is the same intensity that fuels conflict, that burns a hole between two people. I think it's an experience that a lot of people have: a relationship starts with so much passion, and that passion transmutes into an intensity within conflict that can be really difficult to navigate. But I actually think this song is giving us a template for how to navigate it.
It’s so good, remembering, “I know the pieces fit. I know that we have a good, powerful relationship.” That is such an important thing to keep at the forefront.
I like what this person is saying. It's the thought process that no one is at fault, no one is to blame. I know that we're just triggering each other's wounding. I know that this person has pure intentions. I know that they're not trying to hurt me. Even though I know that that does not change the fact that I still have a part of me that wants to point the finger and blame the other (and that's just a natural part of conflict, to want to blame the other person). Acknowledging that gives you power over it instead of just blindly following the urge to blame.
“The dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow.”
That is such a powerful point, when you notice that the intensity in your relationship, the passion, has turned to an intensity in conflict. There's also often this moment where you realize that this is going to be the end of the puzzle that once fit together — unless we work together to grow. It’s just true. Unless you strengthen your communication, and unless you grow, you are doomed to crumble. So it's a call to do that, and it teaches us how.
I just have to acknowledge that it's so interesting that she pulled a piece of his ear away in the music video. Often in conflict our hearing and our listening become the problem, because we often hear with our pain instead of hearing what the other person is actually saying. That piece of the puzzle is missing because we're in conflict. We're unable to actually hear the other person's intention, and instead, we're listening with our pain.
“Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion.”
In the silence, we often make up our own stories. When we are in conflict, we also come with our pain, and that is what's being triggered. It can often feel like silence, like the other person is saying nothing, even when they're saying something if they aren't speaking to our pain — which is actually what we want them to speak to. But sometimes, we don't have the ability to communicate that, or even the knowledge that that is what we need.
So when we are in conflict and that cold silence where we feel separate, where we feel distant, where we feel disconnected, where we feel like our partner isn't getting it, they aren't able to speak to what we want, it's really hard for us to have compassion for that other person. But if we go back to the beginning and we remember the light that fueled our fire, then this is a relationship full of passion. It's a call to turn that passion that was moving into intensity and conflict into compassion to try to get from passion to intense compassion.
When we're in conflict, that can be really hard. I think that “Schism” has the answer. And if you feel like you're in a place where you're in a conflict with someone you care about, and you're feeling really disconnected — maybe they're being silent, maybe they're not speaking to your pain, maybe you're unable to have compassion for them, whatever it is — go to our support wall and we will support and encourage you.
This song leads us through the answer, shows us how to get through conflict. It's by keeping your eyes above the conflict.
What happens is that conflict gets between the person and the passion in the relationship. Conflict is right here, and conflict is really big, and it makes it really hard to see past. It's like trying to read with your eyes right next to the screen: all you can see is what's right in front of your face.
But this song is asking us to step back, to remember “I know the pieces fit. I know that this relationship is one that I want to be in. I know this person is someone I want to commit to. I know that they're the person that I want to work through this with.”
When you start to remember that, the way that you're able to show up to the conflict is different. If this is someone that you are going to spend more time with, maybe even the rest of your life with, you are going to be more thoughtful about the words you use. You are going to be sure that you can ignite compassion in yourself when you come to the conflict. You're going to try to remember their intentions. You're going to be thoughtful about not saying things or doing things that are going to blow up the whole relationship, because you know the pieces fit.
When you're listening to this song, use it as a reminder of how to work through conflict.
I feel like Tool is just brilliant here. They basically did my job for me. It’s a reminder: if the pieces fit, if you know the pieces fit, keep that at the forefront of your mind.
Want to be a more supportive partner or friend? Here are my 5 best songs to help people with both internal and external conflict!
