When Survivors of Sexual Abuse Aren’t Believed: Therapist reacts to “Daddy” by Korn
[Content note: this song contains descriptions of Korn singer Jonathan Davis’s experience of childhood sexual assault. If this could be difficult for you to read, consider stopping here, or gathering the appropriate comfort tools before reading. If you need extra support, we’re here for you on our support wall.]
“I scream, no one hears me
It hurt, I'm not a liar
My God, saw you watch
Mommy, why your own child?”
This song is so painful. There are beautiful vocals but so much pain — you can hear it.
“Daddy” is powerful and about a very vulnerable topic that most people do not speak about publicly, or often even not privately. I see a lot of clients who have experienced sexual abuse, particularly childhood sexual abuse, and it often doesn't come to the surface that that was their experience until long into our therapy work because it's so difficult to talk about.
I think it's very brave that Korn made this song that people can really relate to. I did want to acknowledge that I read before I listened to this that the song is about Jonathan Davis being abused by his babysitter and the way that his parents responded. In the first verses, I think it's so interesting: it's like from the perspective of the abuser. It’s them knowing that they were going to abuse this child and how they were going to lure them in.
“Little child, looking so pretty
Come out and play,
I'll be your daddy”
That’s the perpetrator’s perspective. Even the texture of his voice is trying to lure someone in, like an abuser, a creep, a bad person
Then when Jonathan goes into the chorus it's a different voice:
“You raped
I feel dirty.”
It's like the internal battle of the things that you tell yourself. “Tied down, that's a good boy,” that’s the back and forth. I feel dirty is such a common feeling for people. I'm just so struck by this song.
Another powerful piece is that so many people don't share. Then when they do share, they aren't believed, or they're questioned, especially as children. That does so much damage.
This chorus that happens over and over, this internal monologue:
“You raped, I feel dirty
It hurt, as a child
Tied down, "that's a good boy"
And fuck, your own child
I scream, no one hears me.”
That happens when we aren't believed. When we can't process the experience and the pain and have support for it, it just plays over and over in the mind of someone who has been abused in that way. It's like a record that's stuck on that one loop that can't be processed.
I just want to hug him. This is the most raw piece of music I've ever listened to in my life. This is so brave and powerful that, truly one of the the most bold pieces of art I've ever seen.
This song in general seems so important as a moment of catharsis. It’s something that so many people can relate to. I think the beautiful thing about music is that it often gives voice to things that people are feeling but they don't know how to express. There are a lot of songs that talk about depression. There are a lot of songs that talk about anxiety, talk about breakups, talk about all these things. There are not a lot of songs that speak so boldly about childhood sexual abuse.
This is something that many people experience. It’s a gift of a song for people who have experienced this, so they can hear and know that they're not alone, they can hear their thoughts about the other person and the ways that they weren't supported by their family or whoever they spoke out to. Also, to hear their thoughts about themselves because of it, and to know that as terrible as it is, it’s something that other people experience.
To be brave enough to share about it and to capture yourself literally sobbing — I feel like I'm getting choked up.
How do we use this song? I think something beautiful about it is that it points us back toward the direction of blame. So many people, when they experience childhood sexual abuse, they blame themselves for what happened. This is a tactic to try to tell themselves that they are in control. It makes sense; it's a way to try to protect yourself. Because you believe that if it was your fault, then you can protect yourself from ever doing anything again that would make it so something like this would happen. So it makes sense, and also? It's not true. It is not an individual's fault that they’ve been abused.
So often they blame themselves, but in this song we're reminded of where our blame should lie. The direction of the blame lies towards the other person. It lies outside of us. It lies in mommy, daddy, but mostly in the person that was the abuser.
This song is such a powerful way to remind yourself that it was not your fault, that you are not to be blamed, that there was not something that you did to deserve this. Although you might feel dirty, you are not dirty.
This song is also a call to remind yourself of your own truth.
“It hurt, I’m not a liar.”
It’s like, this happened to me. I am not a liar.
“I scream, no one hears me.” I was in pain, and I needed help to acknowledge the reality of the situation. To just have so much compassion for the version of yourself that experienced this pain, to not direct blame towards the person who experienced the pain, and instead tp direct the blame towards the person who incited the pain. That is the perpetrator of the abuse. That is the person who is singing “little child looking so pretty.” That is where the blame needs to be directed.
As you listen, you can use this song as catharsis to rid yourself of any blame for yourself, instead placing the blame outward. Blame outside of you instead of inwards.
As you sing, “you did this, I hate you,” sing that out towards someone else. It is not your fault that you experienced this pain. It will only create more pain if you direct the blame inward, which is what many people do, especially when they don't have the space or the place or the support to process. Especially when they're told that their reality didn't happen, they're not believed. So this is a song where we're able to actually sing to the person instead of singing pain back at ourselves
I think this is powerful if you have experienced abuse, if you haven't been believed, if you're going through something really difficult. If you can relate, we’re ready to hear you and believe you. Connect with one of our mental health mentors.
If you liked us using this Korn song to talk about mental health and mindset, check out the “Freak on a Leash” reaction video that I did as well.
