There’s strength in vulnerability: Therapist Reacts to “Coming Undone” by Korn
“What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon, I anticipate
I'm coming undone.”
“Coming Undone” lyrics by Korn
It’s kind of confusing because this beat is fire. It makes me want to move. It makes me want to clap. It makes me want to dance. But the words are really sad.
“Guess the black thoughts have come again to get me
That's right
Deliver it to my heart
Please strike
Be deliberate
Wait, I'm coming undone
Irate, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone.”
It sounds like a plea for the end of his life, in a way. I'm really interested in this line:
“What looks so strong is so delicate.”
I think that is really important. The dichotomy of the way the song sounds and the words and the actual pain that's in them sounds similar to the dichotomy between “what looks so strong is so delicate,” which I think is interesting.
“Since I was young
I've tasted sorrow on my tongue.”
It’s just a person that's in so much pain.
“Trigger between my eyes
Please strike
Make it quick.”
It sounds like a plea. There is just so much sorrow and pain and hopelessness in the lyrics.
I feel like this is a song about someone who is in a place of suicidality. They're contemplating taking their life, and they're having an internal battle with themselves: “That's right. Just come on. Do it quickly.”
Men have much higher rates of suicide. It's not necessarily because they experience suicidal thoughts more. It's largely because they use more lethal means, like a trigger between the eyes.
I think we know that men in general face more pressure to not speak about their feelings. There's so much pressure to look strong. Our cultural idea is that being strong means not talking about your emotions, not talking about your feelings, not sharing your pain, not processing your pain. Even in the song he's covering up the pain that he's speaking about with the backbeat of the song.
That is so many people's biggest fear: to appear not strong. That's often why they don't reach out for help. But coming undone so that people can see the delicateness inside of you is actually the bravest, strongest thing about you.
I know that's probably not the messaging that you've received for a lot of your life. I know that you've been told that vulnerability is weak, or sharing your emotions is not going to help. But allowing yourself to come undone and singing this song: let it be that. Let it be a joyful thing to come undone.
Because when you're coming undone and you're opened up like a present, you're unwrapped. You're unraveled. There is something beautiful to be found on the inside when you stop having to protect yourself, seeming strong, and keeping everyone away from opening your box and seeing what's on the inside. Maybe you’re not even looking at the inside yourself. When you stop doing that and you allow yourself to come undone for the softness to be present, that is when you also allow yourself the opportunity to be put back together. Then you don't even have to keep fighting off those voices anymore. And you especially don't have to do it alone.
When you sing this song, sing the line “I'm coming undone” the exact way that it sounds — joyfully — instead of the way that it's written. Sing it as an encouragement to yourself. Allow yourself to fall apart so that you can be put back together. Not so that you can be lost, not so that you can be blown away in the wind, but so that the pain in you can be discovered and held — and also the beautiful parts in you, because they're all in there too.
When we look strong and we put on this facade, we cover all the soft and all of the sweet, not just all the pain. So we have to come undone. And if you need a place to do that, do it on our anonymous support forum. It's okay to let it out here. This is a safe space where we want to hear your story.
If you want to be a support for others as they come undone, as they face their pain, check out my five best songs to support others. I love all of these songs, and I believe so strongly in the way that they can be used to help other people.
