Cross-examine the inner voice: therapist and lawyer react to "Talk to a Friend" by Rain City Drive
“I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)”
Taylor Palmby: I feel like this song speaks for itself! How relatable:
“I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself.”
The voice in my head is me mean as heck I would not let that person come to my birthday party they are not my friend. they are mean to me. they are a bully. I wouldn't talk to my friend the way I talk to myself wow
“I'm turning my life into hell with the voice in my head”
Can you relate to that? I feel like that is so relatable. If you can relate to that, please share how on our anonymous forum and we'll encourage you.
There are all of these like thought patterns in here that are so painful.
“Do I deserve this hurting?”
It's like that voice in your head is telling you, yes you deserve it. I don't have purpose.
“Can I live in a world with no purpose?”
It's really interesting, because before, he says:
“I spend the next five lines asking bad questions.”
It's like he knows that the way that he's talking to himself is not helpful, it's hurtful. But he's still jabbering away.
I know I'm biased. I'm a therapist. Like actually, that's even a negative voice in your head:
“I won't find a way out looking inside.”
If I look inside and try to understand what's going on with me, I won't heal. That is a story that the little mean guy in your brain is telling you because I know for a fact that looking inside can help a lot.
This song is a banger! I freaking love it. And it's real, right? Honestly, he's not at a good place. He could be better. But at least the acknowledgement of, “the voice in my head could really use some help. It is not helping me, it is hurting me. It is mean as heck, and I wouldn't talk to my friend that way.”
That is important. I think that a lot of people can relate to that. I can relate to that. Sometimes I hear my own internal monologue and I'm like, “girl, that is rude and disrespectful and not true.”
What do we do with that though? What do we do from that place? How do we navigate that?
When we have this voice in our head, one of the hardest things about it is that we often tell ourselves that it's true. We often just believe it. We take it as fact. But what I know, and I work on this with my clients a lot, is this: would these beliefs that we have actually hold up in a court of law?
So with that in mind, I called up my good old friend Justin Weinstein who's a lawyer. I thought it would be so cool to see how a lawyer would talk back to these beliefs. The reality is that a lot of these things that we take as facts are not facts. Anything that can be disproven with one explanation, or has one outlier or one exception, is no longer a fact.
So I wanted to invite Justin to come on to talk with us about this song a little bit. Justin, thank you so much for being here. I am so excited to do this with you!
Justin Weinstein: Me too Taylor, thanks for having me.
Taylor: Could you just like tell our audience a little bit about what you do as a lawyer, what cross-examination is, and how it applies here?
Justin: We're in the personal personal injury space. So if someone's injured, they want someone to represent their interests, tell their story and eventually get them compensation. What we do in court is we'll have witnesses that basically testify to certain things that happened to our client. A lot of times, we'll go and cross-examine witnesses. That is kind of what we're talking about here today: poking holes in stories and finding out what is the truth behind some of these statements. If there is any truth.
Taylor: So Justin is essentially a professional question-asker. So we're going to allow him to teach us how to ask those good questions so that we can equip ourselves to fight back, to cross-examine our own inner critic. I'm going to play the person in this song, or someone like them, who just went through a breakup and is having some of these thoughts. Justin is going to cross-examine my thought patterns.
Let’s get started. Justin, I know there's no hope for me.
Justin: OK, what is your definition of hope, Taylor?
Taylor: Well, hope means that it's possible that I get better and I get good things in my life.
Justin: What things in your life are you talking about in specific?
Taylor: I just went through a breakup and I've always really wanted to be with someone who loves me. I thought I had the perfect person, and I screwed it all up and now we're not together. I'm never going to find anyone else or find love.
Justin: And what's your definition of love?
Taylor: Someone who cares about me and I care about them, and we grow together and build a life together.
Justin: Do you have any friends?
Taylor: Yeah, I have some friends.
Justin: Would you say that your friends love you?
Taylor: I don't know. They say they do.
Justin: What are some actions that you believe signify love?
Taylor: Spending time together, showing up for each other, checking in, supporting them when they're not doing well.
Justin: Can you name one of your best friends?
Taylor: One of my best friend’s name is Emily.
Justin: And was there ever a time that Emily checked in with you?
Taylor: Yeah, I guess she checked in with me around this breakup.
Justin: How did that make you feel?
Taylor: Like she cared.
Justin: Like she loved you?
Taylor: I guess.
Justin: Has anybody ever told you that they loved you?
Taylor: Yeah, but what if they're just saying that because they feel bad for me?
Justin: Well, we're not mind-reading here. But if they told you that they loved you and you felt love, would you say that there is someone else out there that loves you?
Taylor: Yes.
Justin: So is it possible that someone other than your ex loves you?
Taylor: Yes.
Justin: Is it possible for you to feel love?
Taylor: Yes.
Justin: And is it possible for you to feel love from someone other than your ex?
Taylor: Yes, but it's a different kind of love.
Justin: What is this different kind of love?
Taylor: Like a romantic kind of love.
Justin: Do you know how many people are on this earth?
Taylor. Like 8.5 billion or something
Justin: We're talking about one person as your ex, right?
Taylor: Yeah.
Justin: Out of the 8.5 billion people, do you think it's possible you could find love with another person?
Taylor: I guess there's a possibility.
Justin: So it is possible for you to feel loved again in a romantic way?
Taylor: Yeah.
Justin: So you're going to feel love again in the future most likely, correct?
Taylor: Yeah.
Justin: In your statement “there is no hope for me,” you leave no room for possibility, is that correct?
Taylor: Yes.
Justin: But we've established that there is a possibility of hope for you to find that romantic love again, correct?
Taylor: That’s true.
Justin: So now how do you feel? Do you feel like you'll find love again in the future, possibly?
Taylor: I feel like it's possible that there's hope for me to find love in the future.
Justin: You're already turning it around! Your original statement was that there's no hope for you. “I will never feel love again.” So questioning and continuing to question. Maybe that wasn't the most fluid line of questioning. It’s kind of what I go through in my head if I have that type of thought where I feel like there's no end, I don't have a solution, what am I going to do? If you continue to ask those questions and become aware of it, you're able to then put a different meaning to your thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts. It's the meaning and the emotional response that we have to them that really sets the tone and sets how we're thinking and how we're feeling. You can turn them around, just by asking questions and noticing possibilities.
Taylor: Justin, I have a question for you. I think a lot of people say that these thoughts are facts. Can you tell us a little bit about what is a fact in a court of law? What makes something a fact?
What is the standard?
Justin: When we're in some sort of court or trial setting, we'll typically have experts. They'll give their testimony. They'll say, this particular fact is a fact based on my experience, based on scientific research and multiple factors. The jury will take it as such when they go to deliberate.
You've probably heard the jury called a “trier of fact.” Are they taking those facts as true? And that's based on evidence that we present. That will relate to what we're talking about here. We are our own juries. We're very hard on ourselves. So the facts that we're presenting to ourselves, “I'm just going to take this completely as true, doesn't matter where it's coming from.” I'm not an expert in this particular area, but I'm just going to take it because of my experience and what I'm currently feeling. That's kind of what everybody's doing if you're having these thoughts: “there is no hope for me. I'm just going to accept it as true and move on.”
But you're not you're not an expert in hope.
“My past will always haunt me.” Are you are you an expert? Do you tell the future? You know in the future, you're automatically going to think of your past every single second of every day?
We can't tell that. All we have is right now. We can't we can't predict the future. What we can do is ask these questions and continuously look at alternatives and possibilities.
Taylor: I like this idea of being like, the voice in our head often tells us that these statements about ourselves are facts. Justin, when we're thinking about a fact, what makes a fact?
Justin: Complete truth. With any of these thoughts that we're talking about, there are possibilities. There are endless holes that you poke in your own story just by asking questions. So none of these statements are facts.
Taylor: If there's if there's any exception to it, could it be a fact still?
Justin: All of the possibilities that we talk about, and the questions that I just asked you, create an exception. If there are exceptions, then it’s not a fact.
Taylor: Can we do another one and see if there are any exceptions? Like this one: it's pointless to try to get better.
Justin: Why, Taylor?
Taylor: Because it'll never work. I'll never get better from this pain that I'm experiencing in my life. Especially after this breakup.
Justin: How does this pain make you feel? Can you describe it?
Taylor: Sad, depressed, hopeless, helpless.
Justin: Do you feel that right now?
Taylor: Yes.
Justin: As you were naming your pain, did you feel it? You felt sad, depressed and hopeless, right there speaking to me?
Taylor: I guess I felt just kind of neutral there.
Justin: So is there a possibility that you can feel a different emotion than sad, pointless or helpless?
Taylor: Yeah, there's a possibility that I can feel a different emotion. But the prevailing emotions that I feel will always be negative emotions. I'll never get better.
Justin: Cn you tell me, was there ever a time you didn't feel sad, pointless, or helpless before our conversation?
Taylor: Yeah, but never for very long.
Justin: Can you describe when that was?
Taylor: I mean, before all this bad stuff started happening. Before the breakup when I was in my relationship, I felt happier. But good things never last for me.
Justin: So you felt happy in your relationship. You just said good things never last for you. So what are some things that make you happy?
Taylor: Well, my relationship made me happy and that ended. That's pretty much it.
Justin: Were you ever happy before your relationship?
Taylor: Not really.
Justin: What is your definition of happy?
Taylor: Feeling joyful, enjoying life.
Justin: So the last time you felt joyful or enjoying life was in your relationship? Only in your relationship?
Taylor: I mean I would feel it a little bit but not for very long outside of my relationship.
Justin: Can you tell me some things you do for fun?
Taylor: I mean I used to to go to shows with my friends. But I don't like doing that anymore.
Justin: So when you went to a show with your friend, can you remember the last time you did that and you felt happy?
Taylor: Five years ago. It’s been pretty bad since then.
Justin: Can you do me a favor and can you imagine yourself with your friends at the show feeling happy?
Taylor: Yeah, that was fun.
Justin: So if you can take that thought, at this very moment, are you feeling sad at all? Or hopeless?
Taylor: Not when I'm thinking of that thought.
Justin: So now you have a positive anchor, or a positive thought, that you can go back to when you're feeling sad or hopeless. Think about that. There's a possibility that in the future, you will not feel sad or hopeless, correct?
Taylor: Yeah, but the problem is that it'll never last for very long.
Justin: Is that true?
Taylor: I mean, it feels true. Nothing good in the past has ever lasted for very long.
Justin: But you absolutely know that no matter what, in all absolute, that your happiness in the future will not last very long?
Taylor: I mean, I can't know for sure because I'm not a fortune teller, but based on past evidence.
Justin: What if you didn't have that thought at all? There's absolutely no possibility for Taylor to think that in the future, she will never have long-lasting happiness. You can't think that. What are you thinking other than that? That thought no longer exists. It doesn't serve you, so it no longer exists. What else can you be thinking? Would you possibly think about the next concert to go to with your friends? Is it a possibility? Just curious.
Taylor: Maybe.
Justin: Maybe the next HeartSupport Fest? Look, the questions were just to say that there's a different thought. So every single time you say, “I'm sad, I'm hopeless, it's going to last forever.”
If you delete it, if you say, “well, I can no longer think this, what else can I think?”
That's hard to do though. It's not easy in the moment, it's not easy when you're spiraling, and I totally get that.
Taylor: How would you cross-examine this idea of fortune-telling? I was telling the future there by being like, nothing will ever be good for long again.
Justin: It's not a perfect science, and there will be times where you potentially ask yourselves questions that you'll continue to have to ask. In court, there are times when you're asking witnesses, where they throw curveballs. It’s very possible that you end up throwing yourself a curveball. You ask yourself a question and then another limiting belief or a thought like that will pop up, and then you'll have to address that. But the the point is to encourage that possibility, and seeing that it's not a fact. It's not 100% certain. There are alternatives to that thinking.
Taylor: Justin, this was so helpful to have you teaching us about these thoughts and how to ask these questions, how to cross-examine our own minds.
If you need any personal injury legal help in Florida, please reach out.
Justin: Weinstein Legal Team, we do personal injury and criminal defense. We could really help with any legal matter, because we can refer to other lawyers that do other areas as well. We'd be happy to talk to anybody about a legal issue.
Taylor: How do people find the Weinstein Legal Team?
Justin: Our website is www.the lawofwe.com.
Taylor: As always, if you are struggling with the things that you say to yourself, please go to our support wall. We will encourage you— that is what we're here for.
