• TheJediAshCash
    April 17, 2017 at 2:45 pm #31616

    So in the last few months I managed to develop feelings for a guy and we’ve kind of been dating. I use kind of because I’ve never really been in a relationship before so I don’t really know what its supposed to look like or when it officially becomes “dating.”
    But that’s besides the point. I really like this guy. I’m just…scared. I’ve posted on here before about dealing with being sexually assaulted and having ptsd. I never realized or thought about how difficult that was going to make things when I was starting to get into a relationship. I’m terrified to trust him fully even though he’s given me no reason not to. I feel like once I get to the point where I do and tell him what happened, he won’t want me anymore or I’m scared that it’s going to get to be too much because I can’t handle this and I’ll push him away.

    I want this to work but I’m afraid I’m too damaged for it to work. We hang out a lot but now I’m scared to and I don’t know why. I think part of it is because I think he’ll hurt me but that’s so irrational, he hasn’t shown any signs of being aggressive or violent but I my past is making me think he will. This is all really overwhelming and I don’t know how to deal with this or process it.

    I just want to push what happened to me out of my brain so I can live a normal life.

    April 17, 2017 at 10:11 pm #31622

    Hey, it’s normal In your situation to not want to trust anyone. It sucks because it can get in the way of things just like this. If you tell him everything he should understand and if he doesn’t then he wasn’t good for you anyway. Tell him it’ll take time. I’m the same way. I feel like no matter how long I take to get to know someone they’ll hurt me in the end. Just look out for yourself. I know you can over come these demons of your past.

    April 18, 2017 at 9:26 am #31623

    Hi jedi!

    It’s totally normal to think that way because of what you’ve been through, don’t beat yourself up over it. Hopefully with time you can slowly change your thoughts and reactions in situations like this.

    Maybe you should give the friendship with this guy more time. Until you feel more comfortable to let him in a little bit. You don’t have to tell him what happened, but maybe explain to him that you have a hard time trusting people and that it’s going to take some time. See if he’ll reassure you. You don’t have to rush into anything. Take it slow and make sure you’re comfortable!

    April 18, 2017 at 11:43 am #31624

    My ex was sexually abused at a young age. She didn’t tell me until months after she broke up with me. When we were dating and the ptsd kicked in she would tell me that she was getting too excited. That really confused me because I thought that was what she wanted. Which she did she just couldnt handle it. It left me feeling like I was doing something wrong. I wish she would have just told me. That way I wouldn’t have put her in those situations without knowing. Her well being was always more important than my desires.

    In the end I was left broken for months because I wanted nothing but her. I knew she was damaged and had issues but I was willing to see past them and help her with them if she wanted me to. I didn’t do anything wrong. She just didn’t let me in fully.

    I say let him know when you are ready to. If he’s the right one he will hear you out and accept you and your past. He will be patient and help with deal with it when you need help with it. Trusting others after you’ve been hurt or betrayed is hard. You are not wrong for feeling this way. It is just your mind defending it’s self from what could be harm.

    April 18, 2017 at 7:09 pm #31628

    Vid Resp: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/136548154

    April 18, 2017 at 9:53 pm #31634

    May I just start out with, YOU ARE NOT DAMAGED GOODS. You are still valuable, and pure, and beautiful, and there is so many good things in store for you.

    Life after sexual assault sucks. It’s scary, and it feels like everyone around you is going to hurt you, (though you know it isn’t really like that.) It’s really hard to trust people, even people that you’ve known for awhile. You feel shattered, and broken, and almost like damaged goods. You feel like you’ll never be ‘normal’ or live a life like everyone else. AND you won’t. Your life will be different, but that doesn’t mean it has to be less enjoyable, or like you won’t enjoy life as much as everyone else.

    I would try to tell your boyfriend. If it helps you to communicate it you can write it out for him, or perform one of your poems for him, or video one of your performances, and show the video to him. And you don’t have to tell him everything, you could say something like, “something that happened in my past has left me with trust issues, and makes it difficult for me to be physical with other people.” You don’t have to tell him your whole life story, but I think it would really help him to gain clarity as to why you may not trust him. Plus, it will help him to not put you in situations that make you uncomfortable.

    I don’t think your trauma or PTSD will ever really leave, but you do find ways to cope with it, and your ‘boyfriend’ can be apart of that if you allow him to. I had a boyfriend who just left once I told him about my past experience with being sexually assaulted, but I also had an awesome boyfriend who came alongside me, and helped me heal, and cope in healthy ways. We became a team, and he was there to help when things were just too much. So, if you let your boyfriend in he could really become a vital role in your healing process from this.

    BUT it is super scary, and really hard to trust him. Honestly, it takes a long time to begin to trust your significant other, and there will be days that you feel like it could never work out, and like you’ll be normal, and never have a normal relationship like everyone else. But you take it day by day, and you’ll find that things become better, and easier. You’ll learn to cope, and you’ll be okay. This is a journey. It never really ends; there will be bumps, and bruises, but there will also be times where you’re happy, and you’re okay, and life is good. Just keep going, and know that if you’re in a slump right now, and your PTSD is really bad, and it feels like you can’t escape this trauma, know that you WILL BE OKAY.

    I hope this helps. <3
    Keep going. I hope this all works out, you deserve love- pure, passionate, and true love just like everyone else. <3

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