• purple
    August 11, 2017 at 10:29 am #33432

    Hi. I’ve been struggling for years with this sin and can’t overcome it. I need help.

    I am a girl and I was introduced to porn by our own housemaid when I was 9 years old. Before this, I felt really close to God and I had a really happy life with Sunday school, daily prayer, and all. Since then, however, I never could go back to being an innocent child. My mind was always filled with dirty thoughts and even though I knew God hate it, I can’t stop. Then, at 11, I started masturbating and can hardly go three days without it until now I’m 21 years old. Since then, I really struggled with my relationship with God and I left church and stopped praying at 12 years old

    Throughout my teenage years, I struggled with being bullied constantly (even in church), and those years gave me many forms of mental problem. Depression, low self-esteem, social anxiety, and eating disorder caused by body image issue. At home, my dad often hit me and call me names. My physical health also deteriorated and I often spent weeks in hospital. During these hard years, I really want to go back to God as I don’t have anyone to go to. But I can’t stop masturbating/look at porn. Sometimes, I vowed to never do it again and I felt joy and determination. And those days that I managed not to do it, I felt really powerful and happy and I’m sure God loves me so much. But then, the temptations came so strongly and I did it again. Whenever this happen, it was dark for me. I felt ridiculed. If God loves me, He should’ve helped me overcome this sin. A prayer felt like talking to a wall. I have no one, and my only opportunity to feel loved and happy (God) I always screwed it.

    I felt I truly didn’t deserve to be loved. I know He wants His followers to bear their cross and for me, it means I have to stop this sin. But His demand is impossible for me. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m actually saved at all. I believe in Jesus, but I can’t do what He wants and I always imagine someday in heaven, I will be one of the people that He actually never know at all, despite my beliefs and prayers. I’m always fascinated by His promise of love but I felt that He doesn’t want to love me as He left me struggling with this sin.I also felt like I’m one of the wicked people He made for the day of evil. This felt really painful for me and as an adult now, life gets even harder and I still have no one and I really don’t know what to do. Days are getting darker but praying felt silly as I know sooner or later I will come back to that dark place again.

    AVJR
    August 11, 2017 at 11:37 am #33434

    Hi purple. Nice to meet you. I have seen your previous posts, but I don’t think I got the chance to write to you.

    First: thank you for sharing of what you are going through. I do relate to this topic. I have been addicted to porn and masturbation for almost six and a half years. This year I relapse the most, and it gotten the point I can’t do this alone. I need God to help me to break my bad habits, sins, and renew me. Back to you. I don’t know what you look like, but you are a beautiful young woman. God created sex, and I hope you will find a future husband to enjoy it, and to love you. Your sexuality is a gift. Don’t see it as your enemy. Jesus Christ loves you. Whatever you done, he has forgiven you. That is why he die for us. His love for us made him to sacrifice himself for us to free from the bondage of sin. Don’t beat yourself down. You are forgiven.

    Second: I’m sorry about the bullying, your self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and your eating disorder. There are people in this community who are dealing with this issues. I battle with depression for years, and I am learning of how to fight it. We are not terrible people for having this things. We need to use our pain to help others, and inspire them to overcome them. Have you heard of a band called Silent Planet? They talk about this issues in their music, and they don’t shy away from it. Give them a listen. They’re’ great.

    If you need someone to talk to, here is my email: [email protected]

    Thank you for reading this. God bless you. Have a great day. ☺️

    ashandis
    August 11, 2017 at 7:35 pm #33443

    Purple,

    So I have not personally struggled with the porn addiction but I have struggled with the love of our father God. I have also suffered with years of abuse and neglect and dealing with that. I will tell you that from the deep deep depths of my heart that you are loved by God no matter what you have done. I am also going to say that you are here for a reason. I hope some of what I tell you in this short post can help you see value and meaning.

    So on this topic of feeling like God cant love you because you have sinned so much. Well in Gods eyes the sinner that gets down and asks for forgiveness is great than the one who holds up his or her pride and doesnt even repent. Your heart and the words I am hearing you say sounds like you seek forgiveness. Asking for that does not mean you still slip up. The bible tells us a lot like not hurting ourselves because we are the temple of God but for me I struggle with this. Yes I have seeked for years the help of God and professionals but still I struggle that does not make me not Gods child or loved by him. I believe in a God that more seeks to love. He is not a hateful god he is a god of love. My family has shared many times over and over that being anxious is a sin. I recently had to come to my own terms on this. You are the one that gets to determine what you do and say with Gods word. I believe that in his eyes you are struggling and need help but you are seeking that. It does not mean he doesnt love you. He loves you so so much that he is sending you love and support in the means he can. He will put people in your life that can try and help you. Our God is not one filled with hate please remember that. I am so so sorry so much has happened too you in your life but you can grow stronger through these life pieces. Use them to help others to help them grow. I will say that as someone who has personally gone through a hell of a lifetime already being upset at God does nothing. There are no whys to why anything happens to any of us but he is not doing it to punish you or to hurt you because you were “bad”. In reality he did it to help you to the path he is guiding you too. I will personally tell you that you are strong and so much may not seem that way but you took a step asking for help. Seeking the help of those in this community.

    I know that I may not get the whole porn addiction but it is just that an addiction. I have had addiction in my life my biggest one being self harm. I havent fully recovered but I will say recovery from anything is steps. It takes times. As a good friend once shared in recovery we look at it as bad moments not bad days. Remember friend that bad moments happen. You are going to have them but remember to find a support them to remember that you have people in your life that want to see you get better. I will tell you I am one of those. This community is one of those. Also perhaps get rid of the stuff that tempts you. For me that was getting rid of some stuff. Perhaps it means going to something more basic as a phone (not saying you have to go that drastic). But find ways that the thing that pulls you too it isnt there. Maybe change up your daily habits to include something else when you feel that urge for me when I feel like self harm I truly tend to turn to music or sewing. I have found that truly jumping into something else helps me so much. Also when I have a lot planned for the day I get less likely. But remember forgive yourself and know you are human and will have moments you may not succeed. Also maybe found someone who can help you be being an accountability partner maybe someone that also is of the christian faith and willing to be both. Always remember though that you are not alone in this. Deep down addictions take time to overcome them.

    I care about you. Please keep me updated and feel free to reach out. I hope a little of what I have shared helps you in some way. If you ever want to just chat about faith I am here.

    Ash

    travi0
    August 11, 2017 at 8:32 pm #33444

    Hey, Purple!

    Your story hit me hard. I can relate so much. I felt the same way where I was in a place where I felt so close to God and I thought temptation couldn’t get to me and then BOOM. You betray him. You feel like your prayers aren’t working and you even question how powerful God really is. If he’s so powerful, then why can’t he squash our addiction. The best advice I can give you is that maybe God wants both of us to fall right on our face. He wants us to be at our lowest point first, so we can then see that we don’t want to go back to our old ways. Maybe God wants to toughen us up first so we can see everything. I also want to teach you about guilt. Whenever you watch porn or masturbate, you feel guilty. It’s that guilt that’s going to make you run from God or feel too embarrass to seek him. Squash the guilt. The next time you inevitably masturbate, don’t let that keep you from talking to God. Here’s an analogy: light and darkness can’t coexist. Your addiction is the darkness and God is the light. It’s okay to let both in sometimes because God will eventually drive the darkness away. But, if you feel too ashamed to let God in, then you have nothing but darkness. This is how we can beat the sin. It’s too hard to just go cold turkey. Just keep seeking God and if you slip up, don’t worry too much about it because God’s light will slay the sin.

    I hoped that helped.

    purple
    August 11, 2017 at 11:54 pm #33447

    Hi AVJR, ashandis, travi0,

    I really can’t describe how much it means to me knowing people who actually experienced what I feel. It’s my first time ever sharing about this struggle. Thank you so much 🙂 With that said, I have further questions that always bugging me regarding this issue and I hope I can learn more from this community.

    1. For me, it’s the actual physical need that I can’t overcome when I sinned again. This past year, I’ve tried so hard to overcome my eating disorder and physical health by eating well and exercise. It actually quite helped, even though I’m still not fully recovered. But, it seems that the healthier I become, the need to masturbate is actually greater, especially during certain times on my monthly cycle. I just don’t understand then how I can overcome the need that’s just as normal to me as the need for food or sleep. What should I do?

    2. I know that I certainly can’t force myself to be married just to overcome this issue. In fact, my other mental problems made me tremendously afraid of people and I know I still have a long way to go before I’m truly healed and able to start a healthy relationship/marriage. In addition to that, from what I understand, God didn’t promise that all of us will get married. It depends on His plan for each person. So, without the assurance that I will eventually get married, it felt really harder to stop masturbating. Am I wrong thinking like this?

    3. In my church, there are people who claimed that God saved them from the deepest pit. From a non-believer that struggled with sin (alcohol, drugs, infidelity), after they received Jesus, they suddenly managed to stop sinning since that day. All is possible with the grace of God. Obviously, I never experienced something like that and I’m still struggling. Hearing this, I can’t help to think that God left me out. God don’t want to help me. I’m an outsider in this community. I never know though, whether they’re lying but it didn’t seem like it. I wonder, is it really that easy? Is there actually something wrong with me?

    Those are my questions and I’m sorry if it’s too long

    travi0
    August 12, 2017 at 3:10 am #33448

    1. I don’t agree with this. I don’t put masturbation in a category of something you must do, alongside eating and sleeping. In my life, masturbation stagnates my life. I’m a bodybuilder, an artist, and I love researching politics. I have a lot to do and I get sidetracked by our addiction. Maybe you should look at it through that lens.

    2. I’m going to give you props for this one haha. I never thought about fixing our addiction via marriage, and it’s actually a good idea! But I think I can relate to you on this subject too because my relationships don’t hold up at all and I can’t picture myself being in a real relationship anytime soon. I think it would be wise to deal with the addiction first before you pursue marriage because it may cause problems with your significant other. It would also be wise to squash the addiction before pursuing marriage because you then might create a sex addiction which might subsequently create fetishes or dysfunction. But I really don’t know…

    3. This is the million dollar question. “Why did God work a miracle in this dude’s life but not mine?” I don’t hold the answer but here’s a theory: like I said earlier, God might want us at our darkness point in life. For me, if God healed my addiction earlier I wouldn’t have experience or have seen the real destruction that my addiction can cause to me or others. God wants me to be very aware that I can’t save myself and that I need him.

    I also think it’s foolish that you think that God is just gonna skip you or not help you. It’s very clear that Jesus saved EVERYONE. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Wear your scars with pride and don’t let the addiction make you too ashamed to turn to God. I’m in the same situation you are in and I don’t have the answers but I know God is not done with us yet.

    I’m always here to talk to! I’m glad you’re seeking help.

    AVJR
    August 12, 2017 at 11:40 am #33451

    I’m glad you guys share your thoughts about relationship/marriage. Maybe I wasn’t being realistic about it. 😶

    purple
    August 13, 2017 at 7:53 am #33455

    Hi travi0,
    Thank you so much for answering my questions 🙂 you helped put many things into perspective. About my first question, though, I just want to clarify that as all the temptations for me are physical, I previously thought it’s just natural biological needs controlled by hormones or something. But after I thought about your answer, I conclude that it’s not that essential to life and now I believe that God won’t deprive me from what I truly need, and so I can survive without it. Thank you for enlightening me!

    Hi AVJR,
    Even though actually I still don’t know whether God wants me to be married or not, I don’t think hoping for marriage is unrealistic 🙂 I do hope I can be married though, and in my opinion, it’s actually good that we want to find someone we can love.

    Lastly, thank you again 🙂 It’s the first time I can share openly about it, and I’m really happy there’s no judgement whatsoever.

    Moowno1
    August 13, 2017 at 2:46 pm #33457

    purple like you I’m also struggling with porn addiction and I also have those thoughts that God might have left me out and I’m afraid of talking to people as well. I desire a marriage but I’m afraid people won’t want me and I blame God even though it’s not his fault. I’m currently on a month of no porn or masturbation and I believe that I am hearing God easier now because instead of turning to porn to solve my problems now I turn to God and it’s much easier. So I think we can both get through this also come check out the HeartSupport twitch streams Monday-Friday at 4 eastern they will talk to you and give supoort.

    travi0
    August 13, 2017 at 4:54 pm #33458

    [email protected]

    Feel free to email me for more questions or just to talk to keep your mind off it.

    purple
    August 14, 2017 at 4:29 am #33461

    Moowno1,
    Thank you for sharing that. It’s really wonderful that you managed to spend one month without it. I now believe it’s actually possible to quit, something I thought impossible before I came on this site, as I never told anyone about it, and I felt I was struggling alone.

    Travi0,
    Thank you for your kind offer. I’ll keep that in mind 🙂

    John Williford
    August 14, 2017 at 7:48 am #33462

    Hey purple! I just wanted to chime in and add my 2 cents. Porn addiction was a struggle for me for over a decade, and I want to speak to you as someone who’s seen the other side of it.

    You can do this. It’s possible. Millions have found freedom, and you can too. That said, this was one of the top 5 struggles in my life, is one of those addictions that can really stick with you for a long time, distorting your view of sex/the opposite sex.

    I want to very quickly speak to your question above about people getting saved and then instantly dropping all of their habits. I raise an eyebrow when I hear stories like that. It’s not that God doesn’t perform miracles, and that that doesn’t ever happen, it’s just that new believers often have a “honeymoon” period when they first come to Jesus that is often heavy on the communal, worship aspects and light on the maturity and discipline that Christians develop over time. They’ll stop cursing, stop talking to the opposite sex, and go “all in” on Jesus. The only issue is that typically they’re putting on a show, and that honeymoon ends shortly after it began. If the person did actually begin a relationship with Christ, they’ll wonder why all of a sudden everything sucks, and they don’t realize that God is doing His work over time. Sometimes that takes YEARS (not to discourage you! ha).

    I picked up the porn habit in high school, and it continued on through the military, and eventually college after that. I went to rehab multiple times, had accountability partners, installed Safe Eyes on my computer, nothing did it. Rather, it was a slow culmination of years and years of understanding “I don’t want to do it. This is hurting me and the people I love.”

    Eventually I became free after I installed XXX Church on my computer. If you’ve never heard of it, check out xxxchurch.com. It’s a little different than other programs, as it actually lets you go to any website you want. Only thing is, you install 3 friends/family members on it that will be alerted to what sites you went to and what you did. It literally drags the darkness out into the light. I put my mom on there, and it ended my addiction! But, everyone’s different.

    I hope this help. I just wanted to speak into this and say that it’s a long road, but you’re ready to travel it. When you fall down, pick yourself up and dust yourself off, and keep on. You can do it.

    ashandis
    August 14, 2017 at 10:00 am #33466

    Purple

    Here is the best I can reply to your questions you have asked.

    1).Okay so your argument is valid not going to say that. But I will tell you that in some eyes it is a need. But in reality I think in this case you are seeking something. I know for a fact it is most likely in the eyes of a psychologist which I am not but I am that major for would state that masterpation is used as a means to seek pleasure. So if this provides you a pleasure than it is not a need. You can and you will live without it. I know that seems untrue in your eyes but it can be done. I do get the heat of when in the middle of your cycle but in reality it can be done. Self control is very important and very hard. But in your life if you cut out food or water or shelter you would die. But if you cut out sugar candies you would not die. There is a difference between basic needs and are needs that are really wants. So I hope that helps some. I believe that yes you have to stop and no one can make you. So in my mind from where I sit I can only tell you suggestions and help you understand that this is up too you.

    2). So here is how I see that part on marriage. I personally have said hey screw it I may not ever get married. I know that if it is the card for me it will happen. I personally do not enjoy the sexual aspect that is why some of this is tough for me. But no do not force yourself to find marriage if you dont desire it. That will not solve the problem either. Also the statement on falling to this because of lack of marriage shows that maybe you should lean more on what god has for you. He should be you guide not an activity. I know that is hard and he cant physically be there. I personally will tell you that I struggle with that. It was one reason I turned to self harm it gave me that release god didnt. But that is where I failed. I failed to see that god will not be quick to fix stuff he is patient with us and teaches us to learn to love what happens to us. He also shows us his will through the power he has. There is a reason my story is the one it is because I was meant to be able to use it to help others. Also remember that love isnt just found in a marriage. I like to look at it with a dog and his master. If you have ever seen one of the clips about a service dog doing a job for a human you can see the dog show joy and love. The dog does this without being asked.

    3). So I will say this was the one I struggled with. But yesterday it came to me as I was at church. GOD doesnt just grant what people need. He has his time and believing in him will not magically cure the sins we have. My pastor spoke the other day about peace in christ. God is not going to do it right when we believe he will. God will choose the time and when things are meant to happen. God did not say this world would not have tempations for us but he did say it is us needing to learn to find him instead of those tempations. I can tell you that your life can be filled with that or with god. If you are spending more time on this than you are with god your relationship is depending on him healing you and he wont do it. God asks us to be with him for him not for something else.

    Sorry it took me so long to reply but I wanted it to be right and what I felt you needed to hear. I also want you to say thank you thank you for sharing what you are going through. That is a major step in getting the help you need.

    Ash

    purple
    August 15, 2017 at 4:09 am #33491

    Hi John,
    Thank you for sharing about the “honeymoon” period. It helped me believe in myself again. It’s really been struggle for years seeing other people seems doing it so well and it almost looked effortless even. And I’ll definitely try the method of alerting friends/family. It’s actually quite hard for me now to share with anyone because my family is the type of people who see my depression as me seeking attention and making a huge deal of something insignificant, so they’re a big no. I have no friends either due to my social anxiety. But, I’ll try my best to find people who I can completely trust and start the method.

    Hi Ash,
    Yeah, I totally agree with all your answers. As hard as it is, I know it’s also up to me whether I really want to stop or not as the temptations will always be there and it’s also my choice to lean on God or not. And also thank you for sharing about your struggle as well. You explained it so well about God wasn’t there physically and it hit me hard.

    Thank you all for the support. You can’t imagine how your answers and kind words helped me to have the right perspective again about God and myself. Thank you.

    John Williford
    August 15, 2017 at 7:19 am #33492

    Totally, I understand not wanting to share that part of your life or make that leap. It’s a huge commitment to be sure! I’ll just say that once I decided on it, it very much helped get rid of my addiction. If you ever come to the point where you think it will help, you can always set it up at xxxchurch.com, or just email me at [email protected]. I will definitely be one of your accountability people! I don’t know you at all, but I know you’re fighting that battle I once did, and I would see you healed.

    Love!

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