• ashandis
    May 25, 2017 at 9:23 pm #32156

    For so long I have felt like my life was a loss. Not only have a lost a lot of my life but it is really hard lately because I am starting to feel the loss of something. Let me give a little back story. If you deal with sexual assault, insets, rape, child birth be warned this might trigger you. I want to be sure you all know about this a head of time.

    So first let me say that for 13 plus years of my life my father was sexually abuse, physically abusive, mentally abusive, and emotionally as well. He would force me to do a lot of things that caused me to deeply hate life. I should also explain that my father and mother both adopted me when I was an infant. My family. When I was 5 years old my father started to abuse me. It continued till I was 18 and able to finally say I do not want to see this man. I could go into some pretty core details but that would honestly not help me right now. But lately one thing is sticking in my mind and I really need some help and love.

    So at 17 years of age I miscarried an infant. I was so scared because I had no idea I was pregnant at the time till it was happening. I do want you to be aware this wasnt a young fetus. Let me explain why I miscarried and why I didnt know. So because of a disorder I have called Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and being starved most of my life on purpose. I had always had an irregular period. So, the reason I lost the child was because my father had asked for something on me and when I said no he started to hit me really hard and to a point I noticed a ton of pain in my stomach. I was so upset about this. Like I did not know what it was that was causing the issues. I remember clear as day what day it was and what happened. I had to go through this entire miscarriage by myself and alone. The fact that he took so much from me hurts. I still havent truly felt the pain of what he did I would love to say I have coped with this loss but I have not.

    So I call this loss because for me that is what it feels like. Why did he take so much from me. Why cant I feel the emotions to what happened. I dont know if he had not done what he did that I would have been able to handle the child the came of it. Would it have put him behind bars for what he did to me. WHY cant anyone tell him to stop the shit he does. I recently had to see him because he came to my sisters graduation celebration and he again sexually assaulted me and I dont know when I will ever get anyone to understand how much he hurt me. I want to cry but I cant. Instead the only thing that seems to take away the pain is causing myself pain. I feel like I cant function without something triggering what he did. I truly just feel lost and unable to find the pieces that he broke. That person that will never be the same. I feel like my life is not worth much more than what he did to me. How can I ever not be a broken little girl (Who didnt want to be a girl but a boy) (yes I am trans and my dad would tell me that he was teaching me what a little girl needed to know and that all dads did this too them). I didnt feel like a girl and I told him this that I wanted to learn what it meant to be a man not a women and he would just get more mean and treat me worse.

    Sorry that got kind of out of order some but I got going and couldnt stop. Thanks I am also new to this group and really need some help. I am not sure what is next in my life. My entire life as been a big mess. I was also recently sexually assaulted at my college because of my identity the person said to me that they wanted to teach me what a women was because it was clear I didnt get the idea of my sex and gender. I told my college and they turned it on me and got me in trouble. How do you ever get over all the loss from these things. I havent ever had an experience that has made me not fear sexual encounters or even the idea of dating. I have never been respected and it hurts to even let someone close.

    Thanks yall I really do need some advice and help and love.

    a_girl
    May 25, 2017 at 10:22 pm #32162

    I know that you have so much courage, and you belive strongly of what you think. Even though you still have troubles, there’s always a way to push it away. through courage and belief, you can do amazing things! courage and belief is unlimited. no matter how scared you are to stand up to him, you need to tell him what you belive. He needs to relize that he cant make you do anything he wants you to do. Let him know its YOUR choices that you make for YOURSELF! Well it’s probably better to call him. Hopefully he dosent know where you are. Try to stay distant from you. If he tries to get you that’s when you’ll need help. Always have someone watching you, because what he does to you is wrong. if you need to talk to me about other stuff you can email me
    [email protected]
    -Miranda

    a_girl
    May 25, 2017 at 10:24 pm #32163

    im here to support you 24/7
    -Miranda

    ashandis
    May 25, 2017 at 10:59 pm #32166

    Thank you Miranda. Your response means a lot I have been struggling hard and can’t seem to get out of my funk. I always feel out of control and like it won’t change and that I have a target on me to tell people to pick me. I have really be struggling with what to do and how to cope with this.

    Ash

    a_girl
    May 25, 2017 at 11:12 pm #32167

    Always be confident in your self, and keep your head up high. You stand for you rights, and what you belive in. People just have to except us as who we are. Because we are here for a reason

    ashandis
    May 26, 2017 at 8:11 am #32171

    Thank you so much for you this the support is awesome.

    Ash

    ashandis
    August 11, 2017 at 1:24 pm #33439

    So, at 17 years of age I miscarried an infant. I was so scared because I had no idea I was pregnant at the time till it was happening. I do want you to be aware this wasnt a young fetus. Let me explain why I miscarried and why I didnt know. So because of a disorder I have called Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and being starved most of my life on purpose. I had always had an irregular period. So, the reason I lost the child was because my father had asked for something of me and when I said no he started to hit me really hard and to a point I noticed a ton of pain in my stomach. I was so upset about this. Like I did not know what it was that was causing the issues and the pain. I remember clear as day what day it was and what happened. I had to go through this entire miscarriage by myself and alone. The fact that he took so much from me hurts. I still havent truly felt the pain of what he did I would love to say I have coped with this loss but I have not.

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