MartianTGIApril 16, 2017 at 6:32 pm #31601
We (my mom, dad, older sister, grandfather, and I) were having Easter dinner. While my dad was getting food, he knocked over my full glass, and all it’s contents spilled all over me, the chair and the floor. After they finished cleaning it up,my sister kept asking me if I wanted butter. I said no. She passed the butter to me anyway and I kept passing it back. She got mad and punched me several times in the right ear and jaw. By now I just decided I was done eating and went to my room crying. Within 5 minutes of this, my mom barged into my room and told me to get my ass back to the table and to stop misbehaving. I did it but I didn’t want to eat or interact with anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. So, I’m sitting at the table just staring at my food and trying to hide the fact that I was still crying. Basically, I sat there silently crying just looking at the tv that was on. Every time my mom got close to the table she said, “Oh just grow up.” Eventually, while my sister and her were eating cake at the table, she finally allowed me to leave since I was just misbehaving anyway.
Now, I’m laying in the dark in “my room” on the floor under a blanket (despite it being like 80 degrees outside). I’m just acknowledging the fact that i’m pathetic. I am just a worthless being that can’t grow up. I don’t understand why I am trapped here. I feel like I am a failure. I am getting thoughts to hurt myself which I haven’t gotten in years (i’ve never self-harmed just had thoughts to do it, but never actually did). I’m freaking out. I’ve also at this point ran out of tears to cry.jacie016April 16, 2017 at 9:25 pm #31604
aww sweetie im sorry that u feel this way!! im also sorry for everything that happened today!! *hugs* i know how you feel.ptvmaddieApril 17, 2017 at 12:07 am #31609
This is not your fault, honey. Being upset because you got hit and taunted is not misbehaving, that was your sister. Your mother didn’t respond the way she should have. Those thoughts can be strong, the best thing to do is breathe and try to think of what makes you happy. Music, art, a friend, a movie– anything. If it doesn’t help then try writing out your feelings. Every thought, every tear, can be a new word or page in your journal. After writing, read it. Read it and understand that this is not your fault. Burn the paper(s). You don’t need those emotions. You need smiles and laughs, you deserve those. This will pass, you did not ruin Easter, and you are strong. Hold fast.MartianTGIApril 17, 2017 at 11:03 am #31611
Update: Well after I typed this, I fell asleep for an hour or so. Woke up and peed, heard a phone dinging like someone was messaging back and forth. I got thoughts to murder my sister and about how she needed to die just by hearing the phone dinging. I was also told I had an attitude because I got mad at my mother for ignoring me when I said something (she was playing a game on her phone). I tried to cut myself with scissors and a tape dispenser. I felt asleep around 12:30am EST. I just woke up with a headache from all the crying and probably the bruising on the right side of my head. Still feeling like absolute shit.Megan HuettlApril 17, 2017 at 11:06 am #31612
I think the most important question right now is are you okay? Like physically and mentally, are you still having thoughts about hurting yourself and your sister?MartianTGIApril 17, 2017 at 11:13 am #31613
Right now I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to deal with anyone face-to-face. I am either tired still or on the verge of crying. My eyes have that feeling. I feel like all those thoughts will come back if I even have to try and deal with anyone. I just want to sit in bed and do very little on the computer.Orion8989April 19, 2017 at 11:04 pm #31649
I promise you. You are not worthless. You have all of us. You are a great person. You are also not alone, I know what it is like to be called worthless and no one understands. But buddy, you are not worthless you are a fighter. You don’t give up, you keep fighting. I promise you one day everything will be okay. We all have our ups and downs. Don’t let them devour you. Keep fighting, don’t give up. We are all here for you. Forever and always.
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