IAmCassieAugust 11, 2017 at 1:02 pm #33437
I am starting a new semester of college this fall. There is always a lot of pressure on me during the school year because a few years ago I dropped out because Of my depression and ended up dropping from a 4.0 GPA to a 2.0 GPA. I’ve always been an over achiever in school and now it’s even worse. If I even get a C on a quiz I tell myself that I’m on the road to to failing and that I’m going to become the family embarrassment again.
Not only that, but at my work there are new positions opening for management and I’ve been asked if I want to take the job. I hate my job. There are days I want to cry because I feel stuck being there. But in the back of my head I consider taking the job because me finishing my degree just feels impossible.
Sometimes I feel like it will never happen and I should just give up now. When I think of my future I see this blank void. Recently I’ve been having suicidal thoughts again because if I’m dead at least I won’t disappoint myself or anyone else.
I have noone around me who understands. I’m just seen as a failure. Every day when I go into my retail/cafe job I’m reminded of all the possibilities and successes I could of had and now I’m stuck at a place I’m constantly insulted by customers. It’s humiliating and I just want to cry thinking about what my life would have looked like if I had gotten help sooner. Maybe I would be a lawyer, or pharmacist, or teacher or editor right now. Maybe I would be happy.AVJRAugust 11, 2017 at 1:15 pm #33438
I’m sorry you are going through this, Cassie. I don’t think my words will uplift you, but I just wanted to let you know that there is always someone who will listen to you, cares about you, and understands you. HeartSupport is here for you. 😌IAmCassieAugust 11, 2017 at 5:37 pm #33441
<3ashandisAugust 11, 2017 at 7:12 pm #33442
YOU ARE NONE OF THOSE. I will tell you that failure was hard for me. As the person I am I had to start to learn that failure is apart of life sadly it is. But failing doesnt mean you are that. You learn in failure and in the good. I will tell you that you do so much. From my own personal life I was told to give up because I cant do nearly what someone else could however I will say that the negative words others say to us should be used to drive us to a stronger point. Just because you had to stop doesnt mean you are a failure. You are stronger because you knew you needed to stop for that time. I personally will say that shows strength that many do not have. Most would just say hey screw it and not even go back. You did more than most.
On the job only you can decide that but what you decide is going to take you in a direction. I say that in our lives we are given choices but choices guide us to the place we are meant to be. Today during stream Casey shared with me the fact that we cant look aback at stuff and say hey what could I have done differently. I am one of those that this is hard for. But remember that you made the choice at that time and it was what you needed than. Our lives are like a path remember that path will twist and turn. It wont always be straight and narrow. I truly love those words because recently I shot a photo of just that a pathway. This pathway isnt entirely set we set where we go. So Cassie if you want to go be a Doctor or a teacher you go do that. Do not let others determine what you love. If you set you mind on it do what you can. Yes road blocks happen but truly you can find ways to so much.
You are a great person in this community and you stand out to me a lot with your replies on my stuff. But we all have stuff. Remember that no matter what you are going through you have people here to support you. There is no shame or judgement for feelings you have. All I see is someone deserving of love and support. So please continue to remember you are worth being here and that you make a difference in this world. Your life has meaning just needs to be uncovered to find where this meaning is to be used. The idea of giving up is hard to fight but remember that you are worth this fight.
My inbox is always open and I am always here to listen. Yes life is crazy but people are worth the support.
AshJohn WillifordAugust 14, 2017 at 8:03 am #33465
Hey Cassie! Long time no see ;D
Ash pretty much covered everything I would say! You are a strong, capable person, and you know that I’m not BSing you because I’ve seen you in action, and I’ve seen you push through walls of insecurity or fear to help serve people at HeartSupport.
I know it can really suck to get stuck somewhere you don’t want to be, doing the same thing over and over. I graduated from UT, one of the best colleges in Texas, and ended up managing a Smoothie King on campus. It sucked. Even after I cleaned myself up and went to seminary and got a Master’s degree, I couldn’t find a ministry job down here in Houston. (That’s when I found HS).
Between you and I, I hate the doldrums more than the suffering parts of life. Instead of anxieties or self-loathing or boredom, I’d rather just fight something I can see. More simple! But, life never makes it that easy unfortunately. Sounds like you’re in that period, and my advice is- don’t EVER stop moving forward. Ever. It may seem useless or pointless, and that you don’t care about your job, but you will find the place you are meant to be, as long as you move forward.
Like I said above, when I graduated Seminary, I couldn’t find a job. I wanted to be a Pastor, but down here in Tx if you’re not an “old school” ministry dude, it’s difficult to find work. (I am definitely NOT ha). That’s when Sledge asked me to join HS. I said no like 3 times! I just didn’t think I could relate, or be good at it, etc. etc. Then I kept looking for ministry jobs, and it just wasn’t happening. It was just HS. So I took the job, and as I look back over a year, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be. Not a doubt in my mind.
I think you’ll get that satisfaction too. Maybe not now, maybe not soon, but as long as you keep looking forward, you’ll find it. You’ve got ONE life Cassie. Go get it.IAmCassieAugust 14, 2017 at 2:15 pm #33469
Thank you so much Ash and John. Your words meant a lot to me. I thought a lot over the weekend and I realized I always let my fear control my thoughts. I’m choosing not to let my fear hold me from where I know I’m meant to be. It’s not here and I know it’s going to be hard work to get there, but i will get there. The journey is just hard sometimes. But I’ll fight through it. I just have to keep believing that things will change. Thank you again.OmiTheOmiAugust 14, 2017 at 3:38 pm #33470
Ah! College, in England this is your high school, and we learn stuff at university grade now, trust me…I know what pressure feels like, d’ya know what I say? Work at your own pace, learn at your own pace and study at your own time. The world shall be your oyster…those are words that I live by. Suicidal thoughts? I can relate on the height of my eating disorder, it’s gotten to the point where I’d rather OD on tablets than eat ice cream, recovery i guess is a similar pressure, you HAVE to be better.
I can’t express how many times I’ve been told that I’m a failure and everyday seems like a struggle…it’s what I’m currently going through so Hun you’re not alone at all…you’re not alone in this. But I hope this doesn’t last forever
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