• Joelthezombie
    September 9, 2017 at 1:25 am #33762

    Imagine you’re on a cruise boat out at sea and it crashes in the middle of the ocean. You’re 1000mi away from land. You survive and you’re swimming towards land but you see people speeding by on boats, most ignore you but a few slow down for a second and toss you a piece of driftwood but it doesn’t help for long as it becomes waterlogged. Some even stop to ask you why you aren’t going faster like everyone else but you have no answer. You’ve swam 100mi, you’re tired, hungry, sore, you become demoralized seeing all these people zipping past you and you overhear them talking about how they can see land and how it’s so amazing but no matter how hard you strain your eyes you simply cannot see it. After a while you begin to doubt it’s even real. Do you keep swimming?

    That’s what it feels like every day for me. I keep swimming. I don’t want to, I have no reason to keep swimming, No matter how hard I try things seem to only get worse. I see no point in swimming in the first place but I keep going because I’m too scared of what it feels like to drown. Everyone talks about the island but all I see is the hurricaine past the island that’s going to hit us all the same in the end and even if you hit the island its going to get you eventually just like it will get me too.

    So why keep swimming?

    September 10, 2017 at 5:07 am #33768

    Hi Joel,

    I understand the metaphor you’ve posted here. Life can be such a struggle. After you’ve struggled for so long, with no end in sight, it seems futile to keep hoping.

    I struggled with depression and anxiety in high school, college, and even after. I drank to numb the pain. I self harmed. At times, I had suicidal thoughts.

    I am now 34. I am here to tell you it can get better. It was a process that took many years. But I am a totally different person now than I was back then. I no longer struggle with depression and anxiety like I used to. A large part of my healing came when I put my faith in Jesus. My depression didn’t just magically disappear when I started living for Him. But, I found a larger purpose to keep on living. He gave me a hope I never had before. I still drank and self harmed for quite awhile after coming to know him. But, over time, through the help of others (who pointed me to Him), I overcame these things. Over time, my depression and anxiety started to lessen. (“Lessen” being the key word. Not “disappeared.”) Years later, I started seeing a nutritionist to try to lower a hormone level. An added benefit of following a very strict eating plan was a great improvement in my mental health. My anxiety lessened even more, any depression I still had improved/I no longer got seasonal depression, and I noticed I was able to handle stress in a lot healthier way, because my mind was more clear.

    I realize we are all different, but these are the things that have greatly helped me in my own journey. 🙂

    P.S. You didn’t specifically state that you’re dealing with depression. But, from what you wrote, that’s what it sounds like. So, please do tell me if I’ve made any wrong assumptions.

    September 10, 2017 at 5:18 am #33769

    I’m continuing here, because I tend to edit A LOT. And eventually my post gets deleted and I’m unable to post it due to the system thinking I’ve already posted it.

    So, I just want to say, keep fighting. You never know what the future has in store. Back in high school and college, I could have never of imagined the life I live now. Never. But I’m living it. You’re hearing from someone who got such massive anxiety in teaching practicums in college, and felt like such a failure, that I ended up not student teaching. Today, I live overseas and teach in an international school. The family, whose son I’m working with, is so thankful that I am there, helping him. Sometimes, I wonder if I am doing a good enough job. But then I see how thankful they are, and I realize I need to put those thoughts to rest. I think back to the days when I had suicidal thoughts, and think of everything I’ve experienced in life since then. And I’m in awe of everything I would have missed out on if I had acted on any of those thoughts.

    Keep holding on. You never know what the future has in store. I didn’t.

    September 10, 2017 at 6:52 pm #33773

    Thank you for the reply. I appreciate the advice but its not something that works for me. Its a personal belief and one i only believe for myself and not for others so I hope you dont take offense by it but I strongly believe that if you have to live a life just for something you have no way of knowing is real just for the chance to have a nice death is one of the worst ways to live. I believe, again, for myself. That you should live for yourself first and foremost, your friends and families, and for your work or passions. And if you have the background like me where you have no self worth, no friends, and your family ignores you and you have no work. There isnt much reason to keep going. But again. Thats my own personal opinion and I’m glad faith has worked for you, but it doesnt for me.

    And I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts for the majority of my life and everyone says “Give it 2 more years” and 2 years pass and I’m worse than I was before. And it keeps repeating. So while I’d love to believe it this time, It just doesnt work that way for everyone. And I’ve seen time and time again that the opposite routinely happens to me. So why keep giving it another year or two if they just keep getting worse and worse and worse?

    And yes, I suffer from depression, anxiety, Borderline personality disorder, paranoia, and minor hallucinations which all together stop me from driving, having a job, and living alone. I also have no friends, and my family mostly ignores me. I have no skills, no interests, no hobbies, nothing.

    John Williford
    September 11, 2017 at 8:40 am #33784

    Hey Joelthezombie. Thanks for sharing from a deep part of your heart- it’s difficult to spill your guts to complete strangers!

    To use your metaphor, it sounds like you’re adrift on a sea of doubt, depression, anxiety, and some other things. You look for help and rescue, but it never seems to come. Or, if it does come, its not enough and you’re still treading water.

    First I’ve got to reiterate NomadicWanderer’s post above- I’m a believer as well, and I attribute Christ with saving my life from the water I was drowning in. But, we’re not here to force that on ya. Some solid piece of advice that I can give is that- swim! Kick with all of your might, every day, and fight for the air you need. Don’t wait for the boats, don’t hope for the shore, and don’t wish you had a life jacket. Because I’ll tell you this- things like depression and anxiety don’t just go away. You don’t just ‘survive’ until you reach some point and then they leave you alone.

    No, they don’t, but here’s the good news. You can get stronger. You can build yourself up to where they don’t have a hold on your life anymore. You can learn to swim. And then, later, when you see others drowning or treading water, you can tell them the story of how you learned to swim as well.

    September 11, 2017 at 11:58 am #33787

    @John Williford
    Thanks for the response but thats what people have been saying for years now. Im 20, I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for at least 10 years and everyone says “Keep going, it will get better, it will get easier, one day you’ll look back and you’ll be glad you kept going” but after 10 years of hearing that its hard to keep believing because things have only been getting worse and harder and more complicated. And believe me, I’ve been trying. I’ve seen 8 therapists now and tried a multitude of medications but things only ever get worse. So again. Why keep trying?

    John Williford
    September 12, 2017 at 8:56 am #33798

    So, I was about to type a ton of methods and paths that you can take to find healing, but it sounds like you’ve tried many of those. So I have 2 questions- 1 big and 1 small.

    Small question- Would you mind if I get a little history on how you’ve tried to find healing? You mentioned medications and therapists- what other routes have you tried?

    Big question- I’ll level with you. I’m not a therapist. I don’t understand the science behind medications and how they work. I can’t heal you myself, and further don’t believe that anyone can. But that’s all beside the point. I know that you’ve tried over and over and over to find joy and have experienced failure repeatedly. But the big question you’ll have to answer is: are you ready to try again? Right now, nothing else matters. No amount of healing, no advice, no pill is going to make that decision for you. And, I make no promises here. You might get slapped down again. You might experience even more failure. What I can tell you is that the fight is worth it.

    Are you willing to pick yourself up from the dust, grab your weapon, and fight? That’s the question.

    September 12, 2017 at 4:43 pm #33807

    @John Williford (I still don’t know how replying to people works on this site)

    Well, since I was 8 I’ve been in and out of therapists, I think I’ve seen 8 therapists and 3 psychiatrists. All but 2 of the therapists gave up on me because they only tried one thing and when I said it didn’t work and made things worse they ignored me and kept gladly taking my money. The 2 that haven’t given up were my 2 most recent, one i’m still seeing and one who I had to leave due to insurance issues. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried meditation, I’ve tried self improvement, hell this year alone I’ve lost 55 lbs. I look better than ever but I feel worse than ever. As a kid my main issue was social anxiety and bullying so we tried tackling that but it only made it worse and worse until finally I got an ulcer from stress at school and had to drop out. And now I’ve sat in my house for 5-6 years trying to dig my way out of the hole but it only keeps getting deeper. And now the depression and other issues are being bigger. I’m completely stuck.

    Big question (Even though based on the length of response the last one seemed bigger)
    No, Im not ready to try again. I’ve been “trying again” over and over again for years and it only ever makes things worse. So no, Im not ready to try again because I see how futile it is. And so far. No, the fight hasnt been worth it. Not even in the slightest.

    At this point I’ve tried to grab my weapon and fight so many times I look like the black knight from monty python and the holy grail. There is no more fight left.

    John Williford
    September 13, 2017 at 9:15 am #33818

    (Hey no worries, it sends me an email whenever anyone replies- I’ll see it!)

    First…thank you for being the first person on HS.com to reference Monty Python’s Holy Grail. Great movie- and what better metaphor for someone who feels beaten down than the black night? Ha.

    So Joel, we gotta find your why. We gotta find your reason to get up in the morning- because even though it might not feel like it- you’ve got one. Instead of absolutely 100% giving up, you found your way to HeartSupport and you wrote on a forum to complete strangers you may never meet to try and find a solution. You’re still in the fight man.

    In your first post, you say that you don’t want to or have a reason to- but you still keep swimming. That’s good- sometimes we don’t have to have a 10-point recovery plan to continue to keep our head above water. But you and I both know you don’t want to do that forever. You want to grow and be able to swim with strength, and eventually come up out of the water.

    Maybe for now, that reason is fear- like you mentioned above. That, for right now, is ok…and I want to encourage it. Be afraid of what might happen if you give up completely. Be afraid of letting darkness completely consume you, and of relinquishing all control over your life. I’ve seen other people do that, and I don’t want you to. Again, you’re getting up in the morning and you’re talking to me- so you’re not there yet.

    So to circle back around, let’s find your why.
    – Why did you post here on HS?
    – Why do you fear giving up?
    – What, in the past, have given you joy or comfort?

    September 13, 2017 at 11:38 am #33826

    Ok good, I wasnt sure if thats how it worked or not.

    And thanks haha. It does fit in this situation though. The only thing is, Im not as foolish to continually charge into battle like he is. I’ve done that and now I’m limbless in a forest with nowhere to go.

    I’m mostly only going on because other people keep telling me too and because Im too much of a puss to kill myself in ways that might not work or cause extreme pain. Thats my reason for still being here. And I figure until I can figure out the right way to off myself I might as well try to see about getting better and see which happens first. (Morbid I know)

    I posted here out of sheer desperation to find an answer. Im looking for answers either positive or negative. Like I said. whichever comes first is the path I’ll take. I just need to either find the way to live and succeed or a way to die without the chance of fucking it up.

    Im not sure that I do fear giving up.

    Not much. I guess I used to like playing video games but now its just a past time. I like picking peoples brains apart and figuring out what causes them to be who they are, which is largely why im in therapy because I get to explore that about myself. I really dont have much I get joy from. And even less that is sustainable or realistic or career focused.

    John Williford
    September 14, 2017 at 8:25 am #33838

    Well man- that’s my answer. Find the way to live and succeed. There IS something that will bring you joy and life- and I know those are just words from me, but they’re true. I can’t make you believe them, but they are.

    September 14, 2017 at 2:42 pm #33851

    Thats something I’ve been struggling to do most of my life. I’ve tried a ton of different things and absolutely nothing interests me.

    John Williford
    September 15, 2017 at 8:34 am #33870

    My email is [email protected]. Email me anytime Joel. I hope talking through things on here helped!

    September 15, 2017 at 8:51 am #33871

    Joelthezombie definitely send John a email he is an awesome guy and is here to help you. He has been a huge help for me.


    September 15, 2017 at 9:37 am #33873

    Thank you, I might take you up on that.

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