OmiTheOmiSeptember 13, 2017 at 4:14 pm #33828
Everything has seemed to almost fall down the drain, the recovery I have made while trying to recover from anorexia as well as struggling with the will to cope with the simple tasks of everyday life. I’m finding it ever so harder and harder to see a purpose. Of course, a few may know that a little over a week ago, I attempted to take my life with dexamphetamine (an ADHD drug my sister takes, in which I took) which instead of resulting in death, resulted in extreme uncomfortable thoughts as well as hallucinations and voices:
These voices came in the form of the Eating disorder voices that are always in my head from when I wake up, and when I fall asleep; it seems like sleep is the only thing that gets rid of these thoughts, however due to insomnia, or gaining a few hours of sleep before waking up and being unable to sleep the moments of what I call ‘escape’ last anything but long. I was taken to hospital after another episode of self-harm and taken home later that day…
At this point, my parents have seemed to have given up with me, I seclude myself within my bedroom, and barely talk to anyone I use to in school, I feel like a burden, a weight that people carry for what reason? I feel like my parents don’t care, from their constant shouting of ‘just eat’ or ‘stop being sad’; its a lot harder to achieve this for myself, which makes me feel more like a weight on everyone around me. I feel like I am truly living to either loose weight, and achieve that quick moment of exhilaration from it (my weighings every week with the ED clinic I go to, say I am now loosing weight since I have returned to college (highschool in America, since I am from the UK).
I also chose A-levels that require so so much studying, which may even be another reason why I am living, to mindlessly study, to either stop myself from eating, or get the fuck away from my mind. I chose maths, physics, chemistry and psychology which are all extremely tough subjects, a lot of people expect me to achieve high grades, grades that I am trying my hardest to achieve, while balancing my depressing thoughts, eating disorder and the fact that I am ripping my own family apart…my twin sister even said that she doesn’t know what to do, and that she has just had enough of my problems.
For the people I love around me seemingly give up, barely gives me a reason to carry on, I was doing so well, why have I fallen now? where do I go from here? and do I have the will power to continue. I don’t think my strong love for music (playing guitar, drums or piano) and even art(Drawing, painting) can save me from my own dark mind, and the struggles of my life around me.
If suicide isn’t the answer through this, to make it go away, then what is?Evan9171September 14, 2017 at 8:04 pm #33862
Omi you are not a burden, you are just in a bad season this will pass. We all have our ups and downs but lately you have been doing really well like going to the doctor, eating better and I have seen the food you post on insta. I’m really proud of how far you have come. I think today’s stream was good for you to hear I really hope you got a lot from it.
We all love you Omi, we will NEVER give up on you no matter what. I believe in you I have hope, and you do have the power to continue and over come this.
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