I Was Trafficked By My Own Father

Toni's home

This is me; about 11 years old.

I am at one of the many homes I lived in throughout my childhood. I am the oldest of ten children. At this time in my life there were six of us plus my mom and dad living in this one bedroom trailer. I wrote the words printed on the picture above just so you know that God’s princess can come from anywhere.

When I was young, very young, my father would tell men I was for sale. He would take me with him on errands and before I had a chance to get out of the car; there was usually a man walking up telling my father how pretty I was. I would then hear the words that have repeated in my head for years, “She is for sale.” These events set me up for how the rest of my life was going to play out, until I met God.

Living in an environment that was emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive led me into a destructive life as a teenager. After a rape at the age of fourteen, in front of my four year old sister, I began running away from home. I preferred the streets over my home. In the streets I knew what to expect. I didn’t expect anyone to care for me and I could be tough and stand up for myself. At home, being told by my father that he doesn’t love me and never will, being told that I am a slut and a drug addict before I ever laid my hands on a drug was more devastating for me. I was arrested many times for misdemeanor’s, landed myself in juvi, and after that ended up in a home for girls. I was in two homes and one foster home before I ended up back with my parents. During this time I drank, drugged, and was very promiscuous and attempted suicide many times. My father also attempted to kill me; I was molested at a foster home, and soon lost all hope for my future. At one point, while living on the streets, a pimp tried to sell me. I was missing for ten days and not clear on where I was during this time. I eventually turned up and the police arrested me again.

After attending four different high schools it was my senior year. I was depressed, broken, and cared less about anything or anyone. I slept around with guys for fun. Drank hard liquor all day every day and cheated at school every chance I got. Trading sex for favors worked out well for me. But when I graduated, everyone went their own way. I was alone and scared. So I moved in with a guy I just met and about a month later I became pregnant. He played on my every insecurity. I was told repeatedly that no one wants a single mother, you will be fat and ugly, and you will be alone if you have this baby. It seemed like coercion at the time, emotional coercion. I gave in to his emotional abuse and agreed to go to an abortion clinic for an abortion. I was hoping that the abortion doctor and nurse would help me keep my baby. I had no idea of the cruelty that was to come next. I begged and pleaded with the nurse to not abort my baby and told her repeatedly that I want to leave and keep my child. As I attempted to leave the abortion clinic the nurse pushed me down, held me down, and jabbed a needle in to my arm. I was out! During that time an abortion was performed on me. My abortion doctor is now in prison for the things he did to me and many other women that entered his clinic. Unfortunately, for many years I hide in shame and blamed myself for walking into that clinic.

Some years later I became married and eventually had four kids but had also not dealt with anything from my past yet. I worked my butt off in college, paid for it on my own, and became a high school teacher. I accepted Christ soon after college. In 2010 I began therapy for all the abuse I endured as a child. It wasn’t until this point that I began to know that God loves me. He was with me through all my pain since a young child. He has been patiently waiting for me to find him. Not having a father who loves you is one of the most painful things a girl has to endure. It rips at the very core of a girl’s soul! As I grew closer to God I began to rely more on His love for me. I began to believe His definition of ME! God tells me that I am significant! I am bought with a price! I am God’s temple! I have been redeemed and forgiven! I have been adopted as God’s child! And I belong to God.

Do you know this about you?

Please reach out to Him and find a Christ centered recovery group or therapist that can be with you on this journey. Because of Him; I speak all over my state about my hurts and how I have been healed. I have been a part of changing laws in my state that will protect other girls and women. God has a purpose for my hurt and it is to bring healing to others. He has a purpose for you too!

YOU are significant! YOU are loveable! And YOU have been chosen! Know that He is waiting for YOU!

ToniToni McKinley
President/Founder Crowns of Hope
President/Founder Americans against Forced Abortion