• xexitsongx
    January 8, 2017 at 10:06 pm #30018

    Hi Everyone,
    It’s been a great debate for me to come onto this forum and try to find a sense of connection while totally lost. I live in fear that my mentally abusive ex will find this post (we are both ABR fans), and will just destroy me. I’m recently coming out of a relationship with him and I lost everything. I lost my friends, my own apartment, and my job. I feel totally alone. I refuse to meet anyone out of fear of just getting back into a relationship where I’m constantly torn down. I also just don’t want to get into anything until I feel absolutely better and have my stuff together and I’m in a better place. Yet, every day is a struggle. I take everything day by day, hour by hour. I use to be happy. I use to have a ton of hope and was excited for every day because you just never knew what was going to happen. But now, everything is a challenge. I feel like my purpose and identity have been completely stolen from me. I was manipulated, gaslighted and because of this some days I can’t tell if my thoughts and feelings were true, or if I just deserved everything and he was right and I just made him crazy. He already moved on. He found someone else (while I was still living with him and dating him), and he treats her way better than me. So his life is fine, while mine is shattered into pieces and I’m stuck trying to get everything back. He isolated me from everyone I knew, and I had to rely on him for everything. Now without him I’m just lost. Never in my life have I been this low, and I just don’t know how to get back up. My lifestyle also makes me feel isolated at times, being into fitness and meal preps and being straightedge, it has outcasted me in social settings, not because I preach about it, just for the simple fact I won’t eat certain things or drink. I guess it just all adds to the feeling of being alone. We dated for a couple of years, and his thoughts still linger in everything I do. Even as I write this I can just picture him reading it and yelling about how he never emotionally abused me. But he did. Even if he doesn’t realize it. He does it to everyone he knows.

    John Williford
    January 9, 2017 at 8:10 am #30024

    Hey xexitsongx,

    Thanks for having the courage to post here! It may seems like you’re alone, or that things you’re doing are weird and whatnot, but I want to assure you that they’re not. I remember being in a similar place when I was in high school- I didn’t want to go out and drink all the time, but because that was what most everyone did, I was super lonely. Eventually I caved, and sacrificed who I was so that I could have some friends to hang out with.

    May I ask how old you are? I think I have something that might encourage you 🙂

    xexitsongx
    January 9, 2017 at 8:38 am #30025

    Hi John, thanks for your message! I’m actually 27. I’m not considering breaking edge, but as you can relate, the loneliness is definitely rough :(.

    John Williford
    January 9, 2017 at 8:46 am #30026

    Word- I’m 29 myself!

    Well, I’d probably ask where you live and what kind of people you hang out with- I don’t want to get super detailed because I want to respect your anonymity, but I could recommend more things based on what you do and where you spend your time. At our late 20s we’re way more free from that “you have to drink to be cool” mentality that may have plagued us in high school/college, so I think there are a bunch of people out there ready to hang with ya! We just have to find them. I think that you can.

    xexitsongx
    January 9, 2017 at 10:29 am #30027

    Yay late 20s! I don’t actually hang out with anyone. The only thing I do is go to the gym, and I’m pretty isolated there. I just like to do my lifting and then go home. Part of it is the fact I don’t want to live here anymore and I want to move to a different state, so I feel like connecting with people here would just waste their time. The last thing I want to do is waste someone’s time, friend or otherwise. It’s a weird mental place to be. And I feel totally tortured by thoughts and memories of everything I just went through, so I’d hate to pile that onto new friends too. No one really understands the struggle of emotional abuse even when it’s over. At least no one I’ve talked to.

    John Williford
    January 10, 2017 at 8:11 am #30045

    Hm- so moving to a different state- is that like a solid plan that’s happening soon, or something you might want to happen? Maybe a fresh start would be good, if you still hear/talk to people that know all about the past toxic situation. Getting away from that couldn’t hurt. But on the flip side, our ability to deal with awkward and stressful situations doesn’t really diminish no matter where we go, but rather requires that we grow and learn more about ourselves.

    So do you think you’ll move away? If so, would that be soon?

    Megan Huettl
    January 10, 2017 at 7:39 pm #30055

    This topic hits home for me because it feels exactly like the relationship I was in before I got married. I was told I was worthless and everything that happened to me was an inconvenience and that I should be grateful that he even wanted to be around me. I went through an incredible tragedy which took physical and emotional healing, and he made sure that I knew that I was causing a problem and was inconveniencing his social life by going through this. I asked him to go to an important appointment with me, and he and I fought for 2 days because he felt that I was not worth the time and effort to be supported. And when I knew I had to heal, it felt incredibly lonely. But what’s incredible is that you recognize that you DO need to heal, and you have a lot of healthy habits to help you heal. You may not say it, but you KNOW you’re worth more than he made you feel, and you know you need to learn to love yourself again. You have a positive mindset, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

    I wish I had more to say, but I know from experience that healing takes time, and it can be lonely. But know that we are here for you, and I’m here for you. You’ll make it out okay and you’ll be stronger and know how much you’re loved and worth.

    Adam
    January 10, 2017 at 7:49 pm #30056

    I’m not really sure how to help…I’ve never really been through anything like that. But for the social setting, even with your current lifestyle of working out and meal prepping, you can still go out and have a good time with people without having to eat food somewhere or drink alcohol or some drink. I have a few friends who come out to be with us but they won’t eat the food there or drink anything; they just want to be a part of the group. Even if you plan on moving, try to develop some friendships now. It’s not easy, it usually requires us to step out of our comfort zone at times, and it usually requires us to take a risk; but when you find someone who was worth the risk, then that’s a lasting friendship. If you’d rather wait until you move to develop relationships, then I understand that; a fresh start is nice.

    Hang in there. <3 You’re incredible, and I’m glad you were bold enough to come on here to tell us about what you’re going through. They say the first step to finding healing, is to admit that there’s a problem; and you’ve came out and told us about what you’ve been dealing with.

    We’re here for you; stay strong and don’t give up.

    olcasers
    January 10, 2017 at 8:03 pm #30057

    Video Response: https://www.twitch.tv/heartsupport/v/113897023

    xexitsongx
    January 11, 2017 at 11:45 am #30065

    John- The moving situation is kind of weird. I guess to fully explain I’d have to just come forward and erase all kinds of anonymity, and just pray he never finds this. I originally moved for him. I left a good job, my apartment I loved, and my cat. I moved 6 hours away to be with him. And it was like the moment I got there everything changed. He wasn’t attracted to me. All of a sudden. And it was my fault. So when I finally left, I had to move in with my parents, who are 20 hours away from him in FL. And I want to leave this place. I grew up here and moved out when I was 19. I absolutely hate it. It’s a small town where everyone knows everyone and there’s no progress to be made either socially or work wise. So even tho I’m removed from him completely, I still feel connected to him. I’d love to move back up north, it just has to be for the right reasons. Not to want to get back together with him. I’d like to move soon tho. Living with your parents at 27 is pretty awful, especially when you made it a life goal to never live here since you were 19.

    Megan- Thanks for your support! It’s a weird time to heal, I keep going back and forth on maybe it wasn’t abuse. Maybe he just wanted what was best for me and I’m just taking it to an extreme. But then I’m plagued with thoughts and memories of my hair not being good enough, my outfits not being right, makeup was all wrong, my body was super unattractive to him, the amount of weight I used on the squat rack was never high enough. And it’s just constant back and forth of all the good times, because there were many, and all the bad times. There was lots of screaming. And it was all my fault. But he was there when I was in a accident. And he was there when things were really bad and was fine. It just sucks. Trying to figure it all out.

    Adam- <3 Thank you :). I just feel like I have some PTSD or something because anytime someone comes up to me and says something that even seems remotely friendly or more, I just get sick. Like it’s a fear. I can feel it in my blood almost. Like I’m going to have to relive this all over again and this person I don’t know is going to start the cycle again. It’s not fair to think that way about anyone, especially people I don’t even know. I’m trying to get over that.

    olcasers- Thanks for the video! I watched it last night before I went to bed and it helped me a lot. It’s great to find a community that doesn’t just listen to the same music as you, but can also reach out and relate to you. It meant a lot and a lot of good points where made and it helped me see today, so thanks for that!

    John Williford
    January 12, 2017 at 9:44 am #30072

    When you say that he suddenly became less attracted to you, and that it was your fault- do you mean that he was saying that it was your fault, or that you actually think it was your fault? If you think that was your fault I want to speak into that!

    Duuuuude I totally get it! I was out of a job last year before I was hired at HS, and for about a year we lived with my wife’s parents. You feel like you’re free-loading, that you’re not independent, and that you haven’t made any progress from when you were in high school. It’s super stagnating; I really fell into a lazy self-deprecating hole.

    If I had any advice, it would be GET OUTTA THERE! Ha. You definitely needed to move back down to escape the situation before, so it’s not a knock on you that you moved back in with them. But if you’re anything like me (sounds like you are), it’s killing your heart. You might feel like a heavy blanket of apathy settling over all your passions, motivations, and desires. The only thing I have to say about that is throw that blanket off, and get out of there, out into the world. Write a new chapter 🙂

    xexitsongx
    January 12, 2017 at 10:15 am #30073

    It was really strange. So, it was obviously a LD relationship for awhile. We met and spent the night together a few times before I finally moved. When I got there I wasn’t thin enough for him. I put on too much weight (it was 10 pounds, but he says it was 30 which is totally impossible), and then for 6 months refused to have sex with me and was totally hands off the entire time. How I dressed was also a problem for him. I immediately had to go clothes shopping the first day I got there because my outfit wasn’t appropriate enough.

    I’m trying to get out of here haha. I’m looking into marketing jobs and just trying to move forward. I have my BA in Psychology (ironic, I know) and I’m finishing my MBA right now. It’s pretty rough tho. I’ve been getting more rejection letters than call backs, but I’m just trying to move forward as best add I can. We do sound very similar. Starting my new chapter soon, I hope :). Grats on your job at HS 🙂 you guys are awesome!

    DanBernard317
    January 12, 2017 at 12:36 pm #30074

    I hope you find even a temporary community here at HS that helps you give you the support you needed to take the next step on your journey. I’m great full that you shared your story and experience here so that we could feature it on the Live Support Wall. It helped so many people and opened lots of conversations with others! Please keep us updated on your progress. We’re here for you.

    -Dan

    John Williford
    January 12, 2017 at 2:10 pm #30077

    That^ 🙂

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