• brightfuse
    March 9, 2017 at 6:49 pm #30940

    Guys,
    My mental health has deteriorated to the point of where I can’t even look after my now 4 month old son due to me having a massive panic attack and getting uncontrollably annoyed at myself for not being able to deal with it…it’s affecting my relationship and life outside of my home does anyone know or can think of anything to help? The irony of it all is that I am actually a support worker for people with mental health and disabilities here in the uk (go figure)and I feel like I’m failing myself and my partner and my job if I can’t support myself how can I support others

    Benjamin Sledge
    March 9, 2017 at 7:54 pm #30945

    I can relate to that. I have a 9 month old at home and sometimes feel like the weight of everything is too much and overwhelming. Then I have to go to work at HeartSupport and try to help people and then feel like at the end of the day I’m drowning sometimes. I’ll snap at my wife. Think I’m failing or that finances are going to crumble. I can tell you this though. You’re not crazy for feeling this way. You’re a new dad and it’s a lot of pressure to figure out this whole parenting thing. It takes time and is a MASSIVE, MASSIVE adjustment. Sometimes you’re just gonna feel overwhelmed and are gonna screw it. Nate (Hilpert) and I joke about it all the time as far as our screw-ups using the tag “Dad Life.”

    Another thing I would say (and I may be reading in between the lines), is that with the amount of things you’re doing, it sounds like you need a break and to relax. Technically your job is to help people then also help at home with a new baby. One thing that’s key is time to yourself, even if for a bit, to avoid burnout. It’s essential for me. So maybe find some time to grab a pint and blow off steam with good friends for an hour and do something that recharges you. Then head home and see how you feel. I know for me it’s been a big game changer between me falling off the rails and being balanced.

    brightfuse
    March 10, 2017 at 1:46 am #30959

    Hey Ben,

    Yeah you are right it’s a huge change and I think my past experiences with my ex have really taken its toll on me.
    That’s one of the reasons I don’t drink anymore I just can’t stomach it and after I tried to commit 2 years ago I’ve been weary since,I do have a lot that I do outside of work I’m a photographer,training to be a personal trainer and I attend a Brazilian jiu jitsu class on Tuesdays and Fridays to keep my fitness up. I love my son more than anything in the world but I just have such a massive panic attack when he is uncontrollably crying and I have tried everything that it makes me upset like I am not good enough (which I know isn’t the case he is a baby!)I just feel my current job is taking away a lot of time from being at home and it is causing me to miss out on his first things already..

    brightfuse
    March 15, 2017 at 9:55 am #31053

    So things are aren’t still quite right..had another breakdown whilst at home with my partner.

    It just seems that when he cries I just feel completely at a loss as to what to do with him. As I said before I love him more than anything else but I just feel like I’m not good enough father to him because I’m afraid of him being alone with me I just don’t feel mentally capable to deal with him..

    ontop of that my relationship seems to have hit a wall which isn’t helping either..my partner and me don’t really have anything in common and it’s just causing me to feel like it is an issue aswell for me,I have spoken to her about it multiple times and her reaction is to tell me to go and see a doctor and get some pills but I refuse to go down that route again.. is that irresponsible? I just feel like I’ve been down the pill route before it didn’t work for me (6 months on multiple medications) but at the time exercise did and I’m trying to make my way back into the gym but feel like I would be spending even less time with the baby

    KikiMichelle
    March 15, 2017 at 12:21 pm #31054

    As a mom, I understand. My son turns 5 this year and honestly, I STILL have trouble with these things sometimes.

    It’s so easy to get overwhelmed and discouraged in these situations, but it’s important to keep a level mind. Babies cry; it’s what they do. I know it’s easy to feel discouraged and like you’re not doing right for your baby, but you’re there. You are working and loving and caring for your little one every day, even when it’s hard. You’re doing a great job at being what your child needs.

    Like Ben said, take a break. When you get stressed, there’s no shame in calling a time out. It’s important to your mental health.

    My best advice is to just keep your head up and remember that you’re doing what you can to care for him. It’s a huge adjustment and takes time, but it gets so much better.

    brightfuse
    March 15, 2017 at 12:35 pm #31055

    Yeah I understand,I just worry that I’m not imprinting on him enough as I’m working constantly,I just feel a bit distant from him in that sense I guess.

    I do need to take a break from everything I haven’t had a decent time away from work in a while..

    I want to be a good dad that’s all I’ve ever wanted since he’s been born and it was so stressful when he was born ( he was 6 weeks premature) we were so rushed of our feet at the time. Just want to be as good as my dad was to me and my brother and sister.

    How should I go about trying to improve my relationship to him?

    KikiMichelle
    March 15, 2017 at 1:27 pm #31056

    Tell me more about your imprinting worries.

    brightfuse
    March 15, 2017 at 1:37 pm #31057

    At the moment I just don’t feel I’m getting enough time at home so he knows I’m his dad which I know he is young at the moment but if my partner is home then I feel more confident around him and I am able to interact with him more and be his dad but still alone with him if that makes sense?. I keep having the same issue where it I am left alone with him and he gets upset and I have tried to comfort,feed etc and he is still crying it just sends me into a panic attack and then I just get massively depressed for days afterwards as I feel like an awful father

    KikiMichelle
    March 15, 2017 at 10:49 pm #31073

    Trust me, from experience, he’ll know. My son actually doesn’t live with me. I left my parents’ home when he was about 5 months old and my mother wanted him to stay with them (long story).
    I was so scared that he wouldn’t remember me or recognize me as his mom, but he absolutely did.
    Your little guy will know and love you as much as you love him.

    brightfuse
    March 16, 2017 at 6:41 am #31075

    I hope so..I don’t think my current situation within work is helping at the moment either. I need to change jobs so I can truly focus on myself and my family,I have tried talking to my partner about my mental health recently and her reply was to go and get professional help. I have been there and tried this before and it didn’t help it just made me worse I know I should probably go to my doctor to let them know my issues but I really don’t want to go back in to a cycle of medications again

    Nate Hilpert
    March 16, 2017 at 9:10 am #31078

    brightfuse,

    It’s the worst feeling in the world to watch your kid cry uncontrollably and feel like you have ABSOLUTELY NO POWER over making him satisfied again…It feels like his cry is evidence of your inadequacy — if you were doing what you “should” be doing, then he wouldn’t cry…you feel safer with your partner because it feels like she’s able to calm him down, so you can play with him and love him and be a part of his life, but still have a way to control his cries by passing him on to your partner when he does…but when you’re by yourself — and it feels that way often, then you panic…because having him hurt feels like THE LAST THING you EVER want to do, and yet, it feels like you have absolutely ZERO control over his happiness….so it feels like his cries hurt you at the deepest places in your heart, and you feel powerless to change that. NO WONDER you would go into a panic!!! Anyone in their right mind who feels powerless in the face of incredible pain panics because it feels like you have no ability to make the terrible things better.

    But it’s not just feeling POWERLESS…it’s feeling INADEQUATE….you feel like you aren’t good enough as a dad…you feel you aren’t spending enough time, you feel you aren’t making enough memories, you feel you aren’t contributing enough, you feel you are gone too much, etc etc…and the crazy thing is that THE TIME YOU DO spend with him drives you insane!!! Because you feel the panic set in when you’re powerless to help him feel better! So you’re torn between this DIRE sense of inadequacy when you are AWAY from your child and this TERRIFYING sense of POWERLESSNESS when you are with him. Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t! You feel mentally fucked both ways. Can you see why it would make sense that you feel like you’re going crazy???

    Then, throw into the mix the fact that your relationship with your partner is deteriorating and it feels like nails on a chalkboard often….wouldn’t it make sense that in a world where you feel incredible tension and conflict at home that you wouldn’t actually want to come home? That you would want to stay at work? That there would be a quiet subconscious desire to NOT be home?

    All the while, it feels like your only lifeline, your only suggested avenue of support is to go to a therapist whose only job is to toss you a sack of pills that make you feel like shit! You feel like life is in a stranglehold, and you can’t tap out — because you would never do that to your kid or to your partner — but you can’t fucking breath, and the only thing people are suggesting to help you is squirm around which makes it feel like the stranglehold gets worse.

    Man, what a fucking nutty situation. First thing I need you to understand, bro, is that you’re not insane. What you’re feeling, what you’re experiencing makes sense….I wouldn’t even throw a “mental health issue” label on it, bright fuse…it just sounds like you’re struggling like a normal human would in a situation where they feel powerless, inadequate, and TRAPPED. I think it’s fair to say that I would feel the way you feel if I were in your shoes. What you’re going through is reasonable. You’re not insane, you’re not stupid, I wouldn’t even cripple you by saying you’ve got some kind of diagnosable problem. I think that’s pulling you away from the real core of the issue: you’re in a situation where you feel you’re suffocating.

    The good news, bro, is that you’re used to getting suffocated. You’ve got some serious knowledge and skills on how to handle those situations. And I have confidence we can utilize your jiu jitsu skills and apply them to this stranglehold you’re facing off the mat. So play along with me here…

    When you’re getting choked out in jiu jitsu, what do you do? Take me through a step by step “how to” of getting out of a stranglehold and away from your opponent.

    brightfuse
    March 16, 2017 at 9:38 am #31080

    Yeah that pretty much nails most of it, I would just shrimp (hip escape) out and then look to go on the attack myself. Which in a sense I am starting to do but it’s just the little drips and drabs that I am trying to hold on to as much as I can. It’s a slow process but I think I need to get out of the job and do something else to continue the money flowing. She’s a great mum I couldn’t ask for anyone better but it’s me I worry about

    Nate Hilpert
    March 16, 2017 at 10:31 am #31082

    You feel like spending more time at home would solve the most important parts of the situation you face because you’d feel like you’re a better dad because you’re home more often.

    brightfuse
    March 16, 2017 at 10:56 am #31083

    Yeah I think so,I feel the more time I am with him the closer I will be and will just grow acustomed to the situation. In the past this has helped with other things but nothing like rhis

    Nate Hilpert
    March 16, 2017 at 12:22 pm #31089

    Yeah, so you’re at a place where you feel hopeful that you’ve got what it takes to really love him and to learn to be a good father to him, but you just need the chance to do it….considering you barely get to spend time with him right now, you feel like you just haven’t had the time or the chance to really get into a good rhythm, to feel comfortable, to feel capable, and you know that with time, you’ll be able to do that. So changing jobs really feels like it might be the solution so you can learn into that role of being a good father.

    brightfuse
    March 16, 2017 at 12:53 pm #31092

    Yeah I just want to be a good dad for him and my partner, he means the world to me and after the time we had to spend in nicu with him one he was born I just wanted to get him home. I was at a different job back then and they didn’t honour my paternity leave so I had to go back to work early and I feel I missed out. Maybe I am just struggling to juggle so much at once and need to drop somethings for now until I get more balanced,it’s been affecting my sleep and everything as of late. I have spoken to work about the addd stress I am feeling and what it is doing to my own mental health so hopefully that will change

    olcasers
    March 16, 2017 at 7:04 pm #31096

    Video Response: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/129163524

    brightfuse
    March 18, 2017 at 9:19 am #31120

    Thanks for mentioning this on the live stream guys,a lot of helpful comments and reassurances from Casey and Dan.

    I am still finding it hard to deal with the little one but I do feel slightly less anxious as of today. I have been talking to work and they have said that my mental health isn’t their top priority but they will look into what I have said to them (I can’t mention what I have said due to legal issues)so I’m waiting to see what comes of that and then deciding what to from there.

    It is adding additional stress as I am worried that if they don’t make suitable changes in work it will make feel suicidal again and affect my family even more

    Nate Hilpert
    March 21, 2017 at 9:15 am #31148

    So you’re in a rut because it feels like the steps you’re taking to spend more time with your family and take care of yourself as well might put you guys at risk of being financially unstable or incapable of surviving. On top of the internal stress you’ve got going on, with all of that piled on top, sounds like a rough week, man.

    Hey I’m curious, who’s one person you admire because they’ve achieved the “good life” — like they’re the person that has everything that you want and more and that if you could trade life circumstances with them (obviously keeping all your friends and family and transitioning them with you) — whose life would that be?

    ToddJay
    March 22, 2017 at 9:42 am #31161

    Hey Bright – I came into the forum to actually research and solicit information (more on that later) and clicked on this right away, I hear you man.

    The guys are doing a much better job than I can, but I will say this. I have four kids 15, 17, 20 and 24 and I remember the screaming, the inability to comfort, good lord the sleep patterns (after our first my sleep patterns because non-existent) – I can literally sleep standing up these days because my body has been trained. Anyway, as dark as it is right now, I can assure you even when you go on to invent the greatest thing ever and win the Nobel Peace Prize, nothing will be as rewarding as raising that child to be a grown up human being.

    My oldest lived with his Mom, I had visitation because we broke up before I was told she was pregnant, I insisted on testing, etc. and courts because she was absolutely insane – everything we did was on paper. I started playing baseball with him about four years ago, he asked me to come out of retirement and play with him and his buddies. It doesn’t get much better than when you son admires you and includes you in that. Best part is that all his buddies made the same remark “you are nothing like Max (my son) and his Mom described you, as a matter of fact I would rather hang out with you than him”.

    I can go on and on about the other three children as well, the next oldest son was born about a year before I met my wife, he was a result of a one night party and his “sperm donor” saw him once when he was first born for like 15 minutes. I adopted him to be my own when he was about 6 years old and he has never had an interest or known his donor, I have always been Dad to him.

    Point is, everybody has a story, every story is worth it – right now I am struggling as a believer in Christ to jump with both feet in with my relationship with God, I have zero clue why – my head knows thats the answer, but for some reason my heart and spirit aren’t all in.

    You can do this (I despise the phrase “you got this”), you can it just seems overwhelming at times (I got laid off from work in early January and part of my faith system is stil reconciling what God wants me to do next) – I believe in you man and in that belief in you, that means I still have belief in my heart.

    brightfuse
    March 22, 2017 at 9:52 am #31163

    Sorry about the late reply Nate,work has been hammering me with shifts and I additionally had a funeral to attend yesterday. But things aren’t too great with my partner I have sat down and spoke to her about how I am feeling and it has left us both unsure about our future,I know she wants more children in the next 5 years but that is the last thing I can think about right this moment!!. I’m looking to change my job now as I feel my time as a support worker is over,I love my clients and I enjoy supporting them all but ther service has evolved into something I feel is not delivering our core values anymore. So the job hunt starts as I am typing this in really banking on this change giving me some positive reinforcement.

    brightfuse
    March 22, 2017 at 9:54 am #31164

    Hey Todd, sounds like you have been through the ring and come out a champion which is what I want to do! It’s just going to take sometime and I need to just take the jump and forge my own path into the fray

    ToddJay
    March 22, 2017 at 10:06 am #31165

    Its a never ending battle man, the guy my wife and I are seeing for marriage counseling identified right away that I thrive on the chase and the “kill” (money doesn’t drive me), he drew an analogy to the fact that my wife and relationship with God will never be “slayed”, I am in pursuit mode for all my life to maintain my relationships and that the only “kill” is eternal life.

    Hang in there man, hang in there.

    brightfuse
    March 24, 2017 at 5:46 am #31216

    So I had a bit on an episode or issue whatever you want to call it last night but this time during work,I’m starting to feel that the mask I have to wear whilst in work( we call the red coat smile) is starting to wear really thin.

    I’m worried that I am not performing to my full ability with my clients and it’s becoming apparent to my supervisors now, I’m unsure how to progress with all this beating down on my constantly it feels like I’m drowning at the moment with the pressure.

    I’m off work as of tomorrow for 4 days as I’m travelling to London to take photos of Hundredth so I’m using that as a escape route at the moment I guess it’s just trying to grab hold of the little things at the moment

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