• ashandis
    July 13, 2017 at 10:03 pm #33030

    Tonight is a struggle and I am not sure why. I have been anxiouand panicky all evening. I also had an allergic reaction (small one and am fine). In all honesty I have been so anxious I actually turned to picking and scratching myself, I also have even picked so bad at a nail it came off. I am struggling to find it in me to know that it is okay this happened. I am mad at myself because I deep down did it because I wanted to self harm and it was a close thing to it and it caused the pain. So right now I pretty mad at myself. I had been about a week clean. I don’t know if I can ever get back to the place I was in at the start of 2016 when I had been two years clean. I just don’t see how I stayed that way. I thought this was a good track for me finally but nope.

    Ash

    AVJR
    July 13, 2017 at 11:14 pm #33031

    🙁

    Nate Hilpert
    July 14, 2017 at 1:45 pm #33045

    ashandis,

    Man it fucking sucks to have been clean for so long and to relapse. Makes you feel fucking AWFUL. It makes you feel like all of your success was just one giant fluke and that you’re really a humongous failure, you were just getting lucky. It piles all of this shame on you, and makes you feel like you’ll never get unstuck, you’ll never get out from under this gigantic pressure of perfection. It feels so hopeless and so shameful because you’re like — look, I shouldn’t even be struggling with this still…I used to “get it”, and I just don’t get why I don’t get it anymore. I can’t believe that I’m stuck here again. Man, it’s so hard to untangle from all of those kinds of thoughts, and it just feels like a complete PIT in your life that you’re just trying to avoid falling into. UGH.

    Hardest part in relapse is dealing with THOSE EXACT THOUGHTS. Because when you make an agreement with yourself, “I’ll never get better. I’m clearly just not good enough. I’ll just struggle forever.” Those thoughts can be the very thing that KEEPS you stuck when you otherwise (clearly) are able to stay clean. Healing from self-harm in general has a lot of facets to it, and more than enough to fill up like, a hundred of these posts. What I’d recommend, earnestly, is for you to buy the book we just put out on overcoming self harm. It’s called ReWrite, and it’s like $12. Could be the best $12 you spend because this could be a useful tool in you conquering these thoughts and finding the healing you’re searching for. Check it out: selfharmbook.com

    -Nate

    ashandis
    July 14, 2017 at 1:53 pm #33046

    Nate

    I actually have the book. I have been reading it I am on chapter 4 but I am struggling to read because it is hitting so many spots for me. I am not very happy with my like avoiding it. I really trying and it isn’t helping when I keep putting it down and not letting myself read this book that I know can help. I also don’t have a lot of support at home so I kind of hide it all. It is very hard I am also very far from people who are my big supports. So heartsupport is so tough.

    Thanks ate. The encouragement is awesome.

    Ash

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