• aralcs6
    January 2, 2017 at 3:53 pm #29901

    On New Year’s Eve, like I’m sure a lot of you did, I got completely wasted. Unfortunately though, I managed to make a massive mistake while doing so. Whenever I go to parties, my best friend and I always just end up crashing in the same bed, no harm ever done. This time though, things got very out of hand. We ended up hooking up but I can’t remember the extant it went to as I was too drunk to fully understand what was going on. I know it was something sexual as I can remember bits and pieces but I’m really scared we went all the way. I was a virgin prior to this experience so when I woke up feeling very sore between my legs I could only assume the worst. I picked up some plan b yesterday because I was on absolutely no birth control as I was not expecting this to happen and like I said, have no idea what actually happened. He was very drunk as well so if we did go all the way I doubt he would have pulled out. I haven’t taken the plan b yet because I’m not feeling very well and fear that I will just throw up the pill after I take it. The worst part of this whole situation is that he has a girlfriend. He told me it doesn’t matter because his girlfriend just recently cheated on him too but that just makes me feel so disgusting and used. I feel so awful and angry with myself and am too terrified to ask him what really happened. He wasn’t as drunk as I was and told me he could fill me in on anything I couldn’t remember but I don’t think I could handle the confirmation of our actions. I also don’t want to make him paranoid or angry with me. I know this will most likely change our relationship and for that I am so devastated. I hate myself so much right now and just don’t know what to do.

    I apologize if some of you found this somewhat graphic or triggering. I am so upset with myself and don’t know how to move on.

    Nathanael
    January 3, 2017 at 1:00 pm #29922

    Hey,

    That’s rough. Not knowing quite what happened but knowing enough to still feel disgusted and full of regret. It’s such a horrible feeling. I’m sorry.

    We all make mistakes. We all mess up and we all do things we wish we hadn’t. As much as we may want to, we can’t change what happened but what we can do is change how we go forward. Right now everything seems so uncertain; is this going to ruin our friendship? Did we really go all the way? How will his girlfriend act? The questions can go on and on and round your head and it’s so easy to beat yourself up about it but you are worth more than those thoughts. Like I said, everyone makes mistakes. Don’t tear yourself down. Learn to forgive yourself and let go. It’ll work out okay, even if it is a rough road. Sometimes our mistakes are our biggest teachers in life. Learn from it but learn to let it go. You’re worth so much more.

    Hold fast, we believe in you.

    With care,

    -Nathanael

    Benjamin Sledge
    January 4, 2017 at 5:40 pm #29951

    Hey there,

    That’s really tough. I had a holiday mistake like that when I was in college. It was a friend and we ended up hooking up, and totally ruined the friendship. Luckily, years later we were able to reconnect and I had the chance to apologize, as did she. We both felt a lot of shame and guilt around the whole incident.

    Right now I know you’re thinking “Ignorance is bliss,” but I guess I need to ask was it mutual? That will determine a lot moving forward. I know it’s scary to find out the details, but it doesn’t change what happened and would be best to know.

    Lastly, what does healing in this situation look like for you? Would love to talk some on that when you respond 🙂

    -Sledge

    Kelsey
    January 5, 2017 at 10:41 pm #29972

    Wow! That is such a tough situation. I am so sorry that you have had to go through something like that.
    I will say though, you are not alone in this type of thing. Once upon a time I actually fell in love with my best friend. The feelings I had for him didn’t exactly help when I was put in a similar situation to yours. But I can say that I think you owe it to yourself to know what actually happened, and probably talk this out with him. I could be totally wrong, but I feel like it mat be hard for you to heal from this if you don’t really know what happened or what to make of it.

    Once again, I am SO sorry that this happened to you! I’d love to give you my personal email in case you would like to talk more about all this.
    my email is [email protected]

    Anyway, I hope you are doing better and I hope you know that we are always here for you.
    <3 Kelsey

    aralcs6
    January 5, 2017 at 11:53 pm #29973

    Thank you so much for the responses and encouraging words. I apologize that it took me so long to get back to you but I just wanted to make sure the update I give you is with a clearer head.
    In the past few days from speaking with other people in my life about this situation I have learned to gain a new perspective. I feel angry, not entirely with myself anymore but mainly with him. I am beginning to question if what he told me about the evening is entirely true. Another good friend of mine who was at the party told me that yes he was very drunk but she had definitely seen him drunker and that I was of course much more intoxicated than him. Now, I am not accusing him of taking advantage of me because like I said, he is one of my best friends and I know that he would never do that but it really made me think. If he had any amount of sense left in him , which it seems he did, he could have stopped it. I feel angry that he took advantage of my naivety. I feel angry that he just expects me to “move on”. I feel angry that he put all the blame on me. I feel angry that I had to feel ashamed of myself. I feel angry that I now fear sexual contact to an extent.
    I have come to learn that I am as just a part of this as he is so if I need to talk to anyone about it I certainly can and he cannot tell me otherwise. I am angry that he made me suffer for those four days when I felt trapped inside my head.
    I really do want to speak with him about my concerns and explain to him just how much it affected me but I still feel so afraid.
    To answer your question Sledge: At this point, I am not entirely sure as to what healing looks like for me. My biggest wish as of right now is to just be able to stop thinking about it all the time so that I can begin to move on.

    Thank you all

    aralcs6
    January 5, 2017 at 11:58 pm #29974

    An update to add to this (sorry for all the writing though): I did ask him exactly what happened and he made it seem like I started and initiated everything which I know could not possibly be entirely true as I was extremely drunk and have very little sexual experience. This is part of where my anger stems from, that he thinks he can just blame everything on me.

    Kelsey
    January 6, 2017 at 12:59 am #29979

    That is an awful lot to process, so don’t beat yourself up for not being able to get over it right away. ESPECIALLY with your lack of experience, I can see how this must be tormenting you. I am so sorry you feel like you’re dealing with this on your own, but I am glad you feel safe enough to share it with us your struggles.
    I will say, I wish I had an answer to fix all of this and something that could make you feel better, but sometimes it just takes time.
    Since you’re having such a hard time getting it off of your mind, how about you start doing things to distract yourself. Listen to a new album! Read a book! Go out with friends and distract yourself! Do something for YOU! Keeping yourself busy can help you to keep your mind off of the things you don’t want to think about.
    Also, I would probably distance myself from him for a while. But that is just what I would do.
    Again, I am here if you need me!

    <3 Kels

    p.s. I have been reading Mattie Montgomery’s new book called Lovely Things in Ugly Places and I highly recommend it if you’re wanting something to read and distract you!

    Benjamin Sledge
    January 10, 2017 at 4:57 pm #30053

    Thanks for the response!

    I think one of the things about healing that’s difficult is that we cannot actually stuff our feelings or the memory in order for it to go away. The difficult part about finding healing is we have to engage in the wounded areas of our soul.

    Let me give you an example.

    Imagine I have broke my leg and the bone is protruding through my shin. People notice and say, “You’ve been injured!” However, my response is “I just want to forget about that. We should stop bringing it up.” If I did that, the pain wouldn’t go away, but now has the potential to get infested and cause further damage and hurt worse. When we do the same with emotional wounds and trauma they can get worse and have real potential to harm further future relationships.

    So, healing at this point may be talking some more about this and sharing with someone safe what you actually DO remember. Being angry, like you stated, is another good thing. It shows you’re not just stuffing it. I also agree with Kelsey’s advice that you should keep your distance from him.

    Remember, you cannot move forward until you’re healthy enough to walk. Lean on us and friends and let us help you along this journey. It’s what we’re here for 🙂

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