SeirendeJuly 1, 2017 at 6:02 pm #32837
“This might be a new personal low. Guess the crazy didn’t die with my dad.”
When I texted that to a friend, I was sitting in a Target, clutching a cup of coffee, and unsuccessfully fighting back tears. I had crashed on a friend’s couch the night before instead of going home. I was falling apart and I didn’t want to do it in front of my family. Now I was avoiding looking directly at these strangers, trying to be invisible.
For three-quarters of an hour, I worked to pull gather myself while waiting for yet another friend to pick me up. I had managed to lock myself out of my car. I was at the Target because two other pharmacies had not had the medication that I needed in stock. The CVS there did have the medication, but the copay was higher than I was expecting. Money is a bit tight since I’ve had to cut down on work hours and take quite a few sick days.
Eventually my friend arrived and drove me to her house, where I was able to relax and start to figure out what needed to happen next. My mom picked me up and my sister drove me to retrieve my car after I found a spare key. Unfortunately, that time spent crying in a department store serves to illustrate the way my mind has been betraying me lately.
I’ve lived with depression for years. It’s taken a lot from me, but I’ve managed to get by with help. Right now, though, I’m not what to do. I’ve been having breakdowns where I can’t think clearly or communicate well. This is not sustainable. I’m tempted to simply end my life, but can’t, due to family attachment. However, I don’t want to live like this — unable to take care of what simple responsibilities that I’ve maintained. I have no way to wrap my mind around what is happening to my mind.a_girlJuly 2, 2017 at 6:39 pm #32861
The same thing is happening to me. I thought I defeated it, but then I relized it was still there. I get moody, I cry at random times. So I started to listen to music more, and Im always trying to talk to them when I need something. they never answer me, and ignore me. My therapist taught me this, I feel…because…, just to say that when I get there attention. but they say, “oh…well sorry. Stop being so annoying”. When we do stuff my dad would yell at me for no reason, and accuse me for something I didn’t do. I hope you stay here in life. maybe tune people out with the best music ever!, and think about the good things. ask yourself, why am I still depressed, let’s see how good I can ingnore it. when I cry I write down why im crying, and save it for the future. When your not depressed anymore and burn it in the fire.SeirendeJuly 5, 2017 at 1:34 pm #32889
Hi a_girl. I’m sorry to hear that your friends and relations aren’t supportive. I’ve learned to be very choosy in whom I let know about my day-to-day struggles. George Washington had an excellent thought on the subject.
“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.”
It is VERY important to have those people in whom you can confide with confidence, though.
Thank you for the encouragement. 🙂SeirendeJuly 8, 2017 at 2:04 pm #32945
Update: On the night of the 3rd – 5 days ago – I ended up calling a friend to meet me at the emergency department because of how unwell I was feeling. I can’t quite describe what I was feeling when I walked into the ED, but I know that I was shaking, in tears, and barely coherent. Thankfully, I had an excellent nurse who, along with my friend (an older lady) helped me to feel secure. At 2:30am, after about 4 hours, everyone agreed that I was well enough to go home. My friend drove me to her house, where I slept into early afternoon. I called into work two days in a row and slowly started to feel more stable. I had a counseling appointment on the 5th, and was able to schedule a follow-up with my counselor and psychiatrist sooner rather than later.
At this point, I feel much more in control of myself, but I’m still hurting over some things related to this recent episode, as well as the chronic mental illness and general life stressors. Really hoping that I’m able to avoid repeating what happened over the past few weeks.Hannibals_dinnerplateJuly 8, 2017 at 5:59 pm #32948
That news is wonderful! Thank you for the update!
I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this low and haven’t been able to be in control of your emotions, mental illness is great at doing that. I struggle with mental illness as well, so I can definitely relate to where you’re coming from. I hope your counselor was able to help get you back on track, and I’m so so glad the ER was accommodating! Please keep us up to date on how you’re doing, and don’t ever be afraid to come here when needed.
Much love, friend.
Hold Fast. We Believe In You.
-HannibalmotamomgrandmaJuly 8, 2017 at 11:23 pm #32950
I’ve been there and what kept me going was this: 1. I remember the few good moments and think if I’m dead, will I miss out on the next good moment that was coming my way 2. Every depression, every pain, every tear, is temporary. Depression seems so hard because we think it’s forever. I’ll always feel this way. It’ll never change. It’ll never get better. But that’s not true. Think of your life before this depressive episode, were there times that it was better? Then you have proof, these mometnts are not forever. They ebb and flow and will continue to do so.SeirendeJuly 13, 2017 at 1:27 pm #33014
Thanks for the encouraging posts.
I saw my psychiatrist this morning and we agreed that restarting one of my former medications (buspirone) might be helpful. I’d been on it some time ago as an adjunct to an antidepressant. It’s sometimes used as such although it’s primarily used as an anxiolytic. It hadn’t seemed to help much with the depression, but I had noticed that I was calmer while on it. Since I don’t tend to be an anxious person, that was a fairly neutral side effect at the time. However, my psychiatrist recommended it for use on an as-needed basis for anxiety. My hope with the buspirone is that it will allow my brain more “space” to process various triggers and stressors as they come up. Over time, being able to thoroughly process these should make them easier to deal with and increase resilience. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but only if you’re able to work through it effectively.
My other tactic to improve my physiological capabilities is to improve diet, activity, and sleep. When I’m in a very low place, I’m in survival mode, so managing these things well doesn’t happen. When I am in a better place, like I am at the moment, I work to rebuild a “health reserve,” so to speak.
Other than that, the most significant thing is that I wrote a resignation letter today. As of the end of this month, I’ll be unemployed. That will complicate my personal finances, but it will allow extra time and energy to recover as well as to manage other areas of my life.
Right now, I’m hopeful, but I know that that could change within the space of five minutes. The point of this post is mostly to help me think through what reasons I have for hope. At least I can still write coherently, eh?SeirendeJuly 16, 2017 at 9:08 pm #33075
This is turning out to be a difficult month. On top of struggling with my sense of identity, I seem to be losing my faith as well.Hannibals_dinnerplateJuly 16, 2017 at 10:12 pm #33076
I’m sorry it’s been a difficult month for you. I appreciate you giving us updates.
Has losing your faith happened before in these low moments or is this something entirely new?
Lots of love my friend. Keep fighting.
Hold Fast. We Believe In You.
-HannibalSeirendeJuly 16, 2017 at 10:14 pm #33077
I’ve struggled with my faith before, but this is the first time that I’m wondering whether I’m crossing the line into apostasy. Aforementioned line is surprisingly fuzzy.
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