Future_PhotographerJuly 15, 2017 at 1:32 pm #33061
Okay so this is like a lot and I apologize but anyway…
My Life Story:
Okay so I was born and my parents were already screwed up so having kids made it worse for them I think. Anyway, my mom was not exactly a great lady regardless of what others say and to be quite frank, no one in our family is that great. When I was younger, my mom and dad would neglect and almost abuse us but we never did anything about it cause we were all so naive (I have 2 siblings I live with – both are my sisters) and my mom was apparently diagnosed with being Bipolar (I didn’t find this out until years after she died) and she, one day, just left. When I was about 6, my own mother, left me. I had no idea where she went or what she did or why she left or what. So, no one ever really talked about it afterwards but at first I was so curious, I asked my dad what she did or where she went. He told me she was recovering in a hospital from being ill and since he said that, I kinda never thought about it. Eventually I just gave up and basically forgot about her until I was 11. But anyway, one day, out of like no where; they said to me that basically my mom wants to see me again. I was shocked, happy and all of these emotions at the same time. I didn’t know what to think but then I was like, in my mind at first; “She was only at a hospital she must be better now” and I got all happy to see her again. So, it was about to be the day I see her, and we were about to leave and I forgot what she looked like so I needed to see a picture to remember her which made me a little sad typing it but anyway, we leave and we get there early so I was playing catch with a football with my dad to pass the time by and this lady appears. I glance at her and she seems familiar and she keeps looking at us. I had no idea who it was for a few moments but then I knew, it was my mom. She was back. I was unbelievably happy but she was with a guy. This guy had to be with us every time we saw her because she lived in a group home and we only saw her every 2 weeks for an hour. Oh, and one more thing before I continue. My dad found a new girlfriend and her name is Karen. We used to get along great until my mom died but we still did fight when she was alive but not nearly as much so back on track. We have a nice day with her at some park near the group home she was staying at once we left, I cried cause I missed her and I only had an hour to make up for years on end to see her. I hate crying to be honest like I always try holding it in but it gets too hard sometimes. Anyway, we see her more and we start mixing up what we do. we go to the mall or something and sometimes even a restaurant be we always had to be on the rush menu because we only had an hour which always made me sad. Anyway, a little while after, she tells me the supposed truth and I already knew it a little but just hearing her say it bothered me more. My dad told me the truth and I got so mad and kinda gave up at the point. She tells me it anyway and I get a little sad but I don’t cry because I knew and I am getting better with holding things in cause our family is not strong on it. But we never mentioned anything else about it and then one weekend I go to my aunts house for the weekend and come back and they sit us down to give me the news that killed me inside and still is. My mom died on August 15th. I gave up with life at that point. My whole world turned upside down. I was going to see her for my birthday the Saturday of too because my birthday is the 24th so that made it worse. Anyway, I get mad and everything and depressed and I seriously give up. Anyway, it continues. I never get better and I just held in everything and no one could break me and I would fight and yell and curse at my own family. I was a monster. I still am but not nearly as bad. Anyway, I end up having to go to therapy which I hated and that also never helped me to be honest cause all I did was bullshit everything and it did nothing to help me. I didn’t really try either which sucks but the idea of therapy made me so mad for a reason I can’t think of…yet and still cannot. But moving forward, my insurance didn’t cover it so we leave and I don’t come back for a while. My anger goes away for a while but I bottle things up and explode all at once so I had my flare moments where I would curse my family to the point where they almost sent me to a mental institution. It doesn’t help either when my dad never talks about anything and jokes about everything regardless of how I feel. Karen, tries to be like a mom too much and she say’s she doesn’t but like it is so obvious and it sucks. But anyway, after a while, more of the story about my mom comes out. All they told me was that she was in jail at first. Then, they said how she robbed a bank and did drugs but that was it. I kind of thought that was it but like it didn’t make sense so I start doing my research. I find the article on my mom when she robbed the bank. Anyway, that’s all it had so I start to think that is it more but like what about those other years of my childhood? Plus all the lies they have already told me, with those being the biggest, it makes me mad inside. Anyway, I then find out about the abuse and neglecting which makes sense too to me. I keep getting mad because I always feel like there is more. Moving forward, I get depressed and start thinking negative things about cutting and just dying and all that. I cut myself a few times but I made sure it wouldn’t scar forever but it would bleed which felt so right. Anyway, I end up getting better insurance and we plan on going to therapy again. We did for a while but I never talked so it drifted away again. Okay, now a freshman in high school. I still don’t talk to people but I envisioned it to be so much better and it really was not that bad. I started doing track, but no one talked to me and no one still does except to make fun of me which sucks but I keep going and ignoring people as they do to me. It continues more, like I still do band and have a couple friends but they are so weird. Anyway, I have like a few close friends and that is my social circle but none of them have a common interest with me except band and we never talk then anyway, or not much. But, I love them regardless and so, the only time I talk to my close friends are during lunch. I end up starting to like this girl, her name is Mikayla. She sits with us at lunch too but I did not know her that well at the time. But anyway, I try to make friends but that fails and it really sucks. Anyway, the rages get worse to the point where I stormed out of the house. That day was like one of the worst. I was fighting with my parents (Dad and Karen) and they told me to give me my phone but I refused so they disabled everything except one thing which was unusual called “Kik” and I talk to Mikayla. Anyway, she was my girlfriend at this time and was the only person I would tell anything and everything too so I wanted to keep talking but I refused so they get more physical. I try not letting go but once Karen joined and they slammed me on the ground, they eventually pried my hand open and obtained the phone. That was one of the worst fights yet but I storm out with rage and ran away for a couple hours. But continuing, Mikayla and I are moving closer and it is great cause we have a good sense of intimacy and I start spending more time with her. But, I still have anger towards my own family and I end up having to go back to therapy. My dad did not tell me the day we were going back to therapy, and lied to me about that too, but I was so mad. I did not talk and all I did was condescend with a wall and let nothing out so we go back like twice before I go on vacation with other family. Anyway, we get back and I still have to go. I honestly am giving up with everything cause I have not been able to cope with the death of my mom. I tried finding hobbies but I can’t pursue any because they always make me feel so isolated. For example, I joined an Audubon Society and it is literally all people above the age of 60 then a 14 year old. We went on 3 trips then never went back and I don’t know why. But then I do track and no one talks to me plus I suck so I don’t go to many meets which makes it less fun. Now, I am into photography and I can’t take pictures without a camera and there are no photography clubs or ways to even pursue it. All I have done this summer is be by myself and self loath other than the vacation I did which was fun. I know it is stupid but my parents never want to take me anywhere and I can’t do it. I do go to the gym but I always have to worry about time and everyone there is like big and buff where I am scronny. I have no way to cope so I just cry and every time I try, it fails for something stupid. There is more side details but this was like the main thing. I appreciate people who read this and thanks for everything I guess. Sorry.Hannibals_dinnerplateJuly 17, 2017 at 10:37 am #33082
That is quite a story. First I want to say thank you for trusting Heartsupport with it.
Second, I am so sorry you’ve had to go through and endure all of this pain. I’m sorry your family lied to you for so many years and I’m sorry you’ve developed such an angry way of dealing with it. People deal with loss and trauma in all different sorts of ways, you are not a freak or weird for dealing with it in this manner.
If I’m being honest this anger is something you need to get a handle on, otherwise it can and will lead you down a road you don’t need to be on. I suggest giving therapy another try. I recommend really really trying your best to get through it and to be honest and to let it work in you. Therapy is a wonderful tool. Society’s perception on therapy is still skewed which is more than likely why you have a negative association with it.
Therapy will help you navigate the loss of your mother and give you better ways to cope other than through anger and self harm.
I’m glad you have found photography. You don’t need some special equipment to begin, if you have a smartphone, their camera’s can do incredible things. I suggest looking on the web about how to get the most out of your phone camera, and there are plenty of amazing apps for editing.
Do not lose hope. Hold on to it for as long as you can. High school will end, it won’t last forever. This pain won’t last forever either.
Hold Fast. We Believe In You.
-HannibalNate HilpertJuly 17, 2017 at 3:22 pm #33091
It’s not your fault your mom died, sweetheart. She loved you, and I know you loved her. I know you want with everything inside of you to have her back. I would too. Is there anything in the whole world that could do that, though? And if there isn’t, then being angry at the world for taking your mom feels like it might mask your pain, but it doesn’t bring her back. And if you can’t have her, then maybe you need to forgive her. And live your life in honor of her. That you would take that anger and apply that energy towards living the life she couldn’t. Free from addiction, finding healing from your own pain and past, and helping others who are in similar kind of pain. If there’s nothing in the whole world that could bring her back, maybe you can take what you loved about your mom with you. Take her heart, take her love, and bring it to others. Bring it to yourself. Release what you’ve bottled up, let go of the anger, open up to your therapist and to people who want to help you. Take the love she gave you and make it grow in your own heart and in the hearts of others. Anger, pushing people out, and isolating yourself is no way to honor her. It’s not even a helpful way to deal with the pain, because it makes your life even more miserable. At the end of the day, you get to make a choice: to let this pain shell you up or to let it break you free. You matter. It wasn’t your fault. You can flourish. I know you will.
-NateFuture_PhotographerJuly 17, 2017 at 4:04 pm #33093
Before I start, I really want to say thanks for those kind words it means a lot to me.
But yeah I understand everything you are saying. I keep telling myself I will talk to someone or a therapist or like anyone really and I honestly think I have gotten a lot better. I know, my better is still not good to qualify as beneficial but like I am starting to get there even if it really hard. But every time I tell myself I will talk to my therapist (Which has been quite a lot consistently) I always end up getting so mad and I can’t explain it very well. It probably is because my family is not known for great for handling emotions at all like that makes sense to me but their are probably a lot of reasons why to be quite frank. But anyway, photography is kind of helpful like I actually got a good camera today from a “hand me down” and I have enjoyed using it to be honest but I have not had the chance yet but maybe it will help – or it will fail like everything else. Trying to stay hopeful is pretty hard to be honest but I am trying to get out more too. I’m staying hopeful right now. Thanks Hannibal for all the help again, you have no idea how much this means to me.Future_PhotographerJuly 17, 2017 at 4:15 pm #33095
I hope you are doing alright and I always wanted to say, thanks for everything like the fact that someone is trying to help me makes me pretty happy to be honest. I really appreciate it how kind you already are for even considering the kind advice.
Yeah I comprehended everything you said about me releasing the pain and instead of being angry about my mom, to honor her. I was thinking about what you said (and still am) but like I did not have much to honor her for but I will try since you suggested it. I just find it hard because no matter how much effort I put into healing and getting passed it, it won’t go away at all. I try to forget about her but like it’s pretty unachievable to do such a thing and forget about her – or at least the bad memories involving her actually. To be fair, we did have some good memories but every time I try to think about them, they get masqueraded by the negative memories. I do try though nevertheless but it just doesn’t get easier and I don’t know how to honor her or how to cope or anything to forgive her to be honest. I do appreciate the help and if you need any help with anything either, let me know and I will try to console you if you need it. It means everything to me knowing that you care so thanks again 🙂
~KevinNate HilpertJuly 17, 2017 at 4:22 pm #33096
You know, since I only got a slice into your life, it’s no wonder I was off the mark. BUT, you have a luxury in being invited to therapy. Your therapist gets the chance to sit down with you, to hear all of the details, and to walk you through whatever healing you need in order to find healing and truly overcome. While I can offer advice and encouragement over this forum, there’s a limit to the influence I can have on your life. But this therapist has a much greater ability within your life. If you do truly want to find the answers you’re looking for, I think therapy is a great place to start. But not bullshitting them…actually opening up. Actually getting honest, actually digging deep…pushing past the places you once stopped before. Because they really can help you, and I think you should take advantage of that.
And in any other way you can find people, who are invested in you, who know more than you and want to help you….man, take those people to the BANK. Ask them for advice and ask for their help. Honestly, the greatest growth in my life has always happened through others, not myself. So if you’re trying to figure it all out on your own, you’ve got a long road ahead of you, and I can’t guarantee where you’ll end up. But I know if you allow others in, if you open the door to your heart and let people who you trust and who are trustworthy see inside, I believe you’ll find your way to a better place.
Church, recovery, therapy, personal growth communities — wherever you can find it, seek it out. Because if you don’t try to heal it, it will continue to infect more of your life. It doesn’t just go away. It gets worse. So find help, find healing, and let other people be a part of that process with you.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.