• nopsiedoodle
    August 12, 2017 at 3:38 pm #33452

    idk how to start this. so basically i haven’t left the house in weeks to hang out with friends. i’ve only left to go to therapy and see counselors. about 2 months ago, my friend invited me to her graduation party. my whole school was invited as well (it’s only about 45 kids, but still) and my mom told me i could go. this morning, the day of the party, my mom told me i couldn’t go. when i asked why shhe said it was because everyone going hates me anyway so why bother when i could run errands with her instead. when i started crying she called me abusive bc i was “blaming her”. i would go see some of my other friends but they’re all busy. that combined with the white supremacy riot happening today i can’t handle it. i’m a bisexual, mixed race jew and i’m scared for my life. i’m white passing but i’m only half white. i’m so scared and suicidal. i can’t self harm bc one of my counselors found my razors and threw them away. idk what i’m gonna do.

    Nathanael
    August 12, 2017 at 6:05 pm #33453

    Hey,

    That’s a hell of a lot to be going through. I’m so sorry life is so tough right now. Between the struggles going on in your own life and the problems in the world around you, life seems pretty bleak and hopeless right now.

    You’re not crazy for wanting to end the pain. You’re not selfish for wanting an out. Right now it’s probably the only thing that seems to make any sense. It’s okay to feel like this. It’s okay to not be okay.

    But that doesn’t mean that it will always be like this. There might always be pain in life but your life won’t only be pain. There will be so much more, and it’ll be worth the struggle.

    It can be so hard to find the strength each day and night when you’re in such a hopeless place. Recently I’ve found myself back in that place too. Suicide seems to make so much sense and I’ve already tried once recently. It’s a struggle. I don’t want to go on. I want to quit. But deep down I know I have to push on because I know there is still a glimmer of hope and that this won’t last forever.

    I’m not saying the journey will be easy, I wish it was but there will likely be more struggles in your journey ahead. But whatever comes your way, you can through. You’ve made it this far and make it through this as well. The other side will be worth it even if it doesn’t seem so right now. Keep holding on, you can do this.

    I hope you know how loved and cared about you are. It might not feel like it right now but you really are so incredibly loved and precious. Your life has meaning and you are wanted.

    You have a family here who are here to support you. We’re here for you. If you ever want someone to talk to I’m here or you can email me at [email protected]

    Hold fast, we believe in you.

    With care,

    Nathanael

    ashandis
    August 12, 2017 at 8:01 pm #33454

    Hi,

    Well first I am just going to tell you friend that your life is not over. Be a strength others do not have. I know it is hard. And what your mom said to you was horrible it is wrong of her to say that. I will also state that you arent alone in a lot of the things you are feeling. So I want to break this into a few different sections and pull apart your post.

    First I would like to tell you a quote that I love and use a lot. “Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt me”. It is important to remember that people will say words and things to tear us done but only we have the power to give it power over us and what we do. Use the words others say to you or about you to just be bigger to be better. I know this sounds crazy but let me give you an example from my own life. I personally was the bullied kid in school because I had so many disabilities and what was worse was even the teachers keep telling me uh Ash go give up because you arent going any where. You know what I did in that moment. I decided to use it as my fire. I to this day have proved them wrong. Maybe your words are exactly that same way however I will tell you that you can use those words to be better to treat others in ways you were not. I see it this way we have power.

    Second I want to say it is amazing you are seeking help from counselors and therapists. I know that is extremely hard I have done so and it is hard. I will tell you that takes a lot of strength and shows your life is even more important. One day you will be able to look back at this post and say wow I have come a long ways. Now to turn what you learn and help others. Our society has a lot of people that struggle to step up and do the step you have in seeking help. I will say/ that is awesome.

    Third you mentioned friends and people you hang out with. Well I want to tell you that I have seen you at the live streams and that is my friends right there. I truly do not have a lot of friends in my own hometown I do at school. But I find my goal each day is reward by getting to watch the stream. If you enjoy those maybe start seeing them in the eyes of a way of escaping the world you live in just for a short 2 hours. I personally enjoy sipping a good cup of coffee while I am at it.

    Last but not least I would like to say to me you are you. It doesnt matter the labels you place on yourself but you are you. I will also say that I am proud of you for knowing who you are. This is a big thing. Please continue to know that you have people here who will support you. I deeply care about you. You are very very important.

    Remember you life does have worth and meaning to many. Do not hesitate to ask for help here. I am always on here. I am also almost always having twitch up on my computer if you just need to rant my inbox is open. Believe me I am here and I know what it feels like to been a very close spot.

    I hope this can help some. Just know you life isnt over and is very important.

    Ash

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