• johnwiththebeard
    July 13, 2017 at 7:13 pm #33026

    so, I don’t really know how to put any of what I’m feeling into many words.
    I just feel overwhelmed to the point of breaking.
    it’s irrational and it’s petty and all sorts of other things that describe how useless I am.
    it’s been a year since I’ve moved with my family and more often than not it feels like the worst possible thing that could happen.
    that could possibly be because I’m off my meds again because I’ve been too broke to go back to the doctor and get the refill approved.
    it doesn’t help that I don’t have any local support from my family or my friend. The only people that seem to care are the friends I’ve made through Reddit (mostly overseas).
    it also doesn’t help that I don’t get out of the house for anything because my wife makes me feel so guilty for it.
    I don’t have any motivation for anything anymore. I should, but honestly I feel like everyone would be better off without having to deal with me.
    but, selfishly I can’t bring myself to harm because I can’t stand the thought of not seeing my kids anymore even though they’re not old enough to remember me.
    I mean, I can’t even keep a coherent thought for more than a minute or so.
    I’ve been writing this for days and still can’t figure out what I’m trying to say.
    I don’t even know why I’m posting it, I guess so at least someone might be able to gain something from it. maybe finally do a little good for once.

    ashandis
    July 13, 2017 at 9:45 pm #33028

    Please your life does mean something to your kids. They do know who you are. They also need you. A child will always need a father who supports and even simply loves them for them.

    On the fact you feel you aren’t doing a lot or getting a lot done. I feel you a lot right there. I have gone through months in my life that all I do is go through the motions and act like I am there but I totally don’t even know what is going on. But I can tell you that it takes being open to finding away out and to me it sounds like you need that right now that way out. Well I will tell you it starts with saying you want help. And you did a big step to reach out here. So don’t stop that. Also admitting you are struggling to yourself is tough and so much harder than telling others. Have you explained to your wife how you are struggling.

    So one thing that is important is setting those goals. If you set the goal saying I want to be better that is going to start to feel impossible but if you set it for each day to be something smaller like getting out of bed for at least 4 hours today, or if that is already happening maybe today I am going to clean the dishes or make a meal. Set it up in baby steps to get to this big big thing. It will seem less scary.

    I am here if you need.
    Ash

    johnwiththebeard
    July 14, 2017 at 4:55 am #33036

    I think the hardest part of this whole thing is knowing that my wife knows how I feel, but never offers any help or even any attempt to understand.
    she just pretends like things are ok and normal and they really aren’t.
    like, it’s 5am and I’m just in a puddle of my own tears and self-loathing.
    I just miss Warped Tour and the way I feel there. it’s the only place I’ve ever felt at home.
    31 years I’ve been on this rock and eight days I’ve ever felt like somewhere was truly home to me.
    I want to be here when my kids are old enough to find that feeling. but, every day is a battle. I’m so drained I fall asleep in traffic on my way to work. no matter how much sleep I’ve gotten the night before.
    it gets to be too much to even hold my head up anymore.
    I’m so lost in a labyrinth without an end or a beginning.
    I just miss something I’ve only ever had eight times and I didn’t even know anyone home with me.

    ClickTheShutter
    July 14, 2017 at 4:02 pm #33049

    Hi, friend.

    I hear you. I’m so sorry that you feel this way. I really appreciate you reaching out to this community and being vulnerable with us.

    I’d recommend taking all the things you like about and connect with Warped Tour and work towards applying those to your life. Need a schedule? Set alarms for the morning and get into a morning/daily routine. Need community? Find a church group, a group where you share passions, etc. All these things are available to you, you just need to know where to look. I know when I feel I lack structure, I plan ahead things like my days, what projects I work on for my job, or even what I wanna wear the next day. For community, I have HeartSupport and my local music scene. You have so much to explore and learn about right in your own neighborhood or city. Time to go exploring! 🙂

    Good luck, friend. Hold fast <3

    ashandis
    July 14, 2017 at 4:03 pm #33050

    I think a big importance for this is the fact that the light at the end of the tunnel is not being able to be seen. So it is hard. I personally know this spot. But reaching out here is a wonderful way to start. But perhaps it would be wise to chat with an online source of a therapist.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder not in what others say about you. So find what can be a spot that can help those parts. Like some doctors offices are able to do it based on the income.

    I have felt this. All of last semester I literally went through the motions and just didnt care life had no meaning for me. One piece that helped me was the fact my friend knew me well. I was also apart of a group. Maybe find a support group even if it is heartsupport. But find people who will wrap around you.

    Calm communcation is key. For me if I think I might get too upset with them over the topic I personally write a note to that person. Write down what I feel and share it with the person.

    facing a demon is the hard thing but it is the thing that truly will make you better. As a person who sees a lot of foster kids coming in out of our home it is hard when a child tells me how much they miss their kids. As a child who grew up without my bio father it hurts. I cant go asking my dad for the help that I need. My bio dad left me. Your kids need you because think about later down the line.

    Ash

    olcasers
    July 14, 2017 at 7:04 pm #33052

    Video Response: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/159197677

    johnwiththebeard
    July 15, 2017 at 1:44 am #33055

    so, after reading all the supportive words of love and watching the twitch stream (which I am now following) I realize I’ve left a lot of holes in my thought process.
    first, I’d like to apologize for being so scatterbrained. I’m gonna try to cover all bases better this time.
    second, I wish I could convey to all of you the honor in which I feel for you to want to help me. (You have)
    third, here goes me trying to cover all bases.
    so, my wife and I get along most of the time. It’s just that she was brought up different and doesn’t grasp the concept of the depression or anxiety that I deal with. therefore she can’t really understand what I go through, not to say that she tries to anymore.
    we love each other, and 79% of the time it’s good.
    I just have my bad days and that makes them bad days for everyone.
    the conversations we have only escalate when I’m:

    A. off my meds and feel attacked.
    or
    B. she gets upset that I’m not upset about the thing she’s upset about.

    fun fact: I’m a notorious peace-keeper in every group or circle I’m in. it’s so hard to make me mad. In fact, I have an ex-wife which we are friends with and our kids used to play together before we moved.

    also, effective yesterday, our company just gave our department a $2 pay raise. and I’m scheduled to go back to the doctor on August 1st!
    little victories.

    I have been dealing with severe depression and anxiety since about 14. it’s hereditary, (thanks mom) so my mom and I really didn’t get along for most of my life. We still have our moments, but I have learned to bite my tongue no matter how the blood tastes.
    the doctors back home really weren’t able to help the way I needed so I only ever went a handful of times until I got here.
    actually, it was after a horrendous bout with suicidal thoughts and inclinations that I got myself back to a doctor and a therapist.
    changed my life completely with the help of Prozac.

    the only thing Prozac doesn’t help is my awkwardness. I’ve spent my life being avoided by most people, so I had to develop a loud, fun personality so that people didn’t see the side of me I was ashamed of. Now, I make friends better online than in person because I feel like starting over is just like doing it as a kid.

    I know there’s more I need to touch on, but honestly I feel that I’ve went on too long as it is, in my incoherent thoughts.

    johnwiththebeard
    July 15, 2017 at 10:06 am #33059

    also, I feel it’s important to note that what’s really set warped tour apart for me lately is knowing there are tents like HS that are there to help.
    I’ve been a huge supporter of this community after making a friend at the tent last year by the name of John Wiliford.
    him and HS have really impacted my life and make me want to fix myself so that maybe one day I could help others!

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