• xandermansmom
    July 12, 2017 at 10:13 am #32975

    I was dating a man who broke up with me to return to his ex wife. When she indicated she was not wanting to renew their relationship he returned to me and proposed. Being leary because of the first time he broke up with me, I kept asking him if he was going to change his mind. He assured me he wasn’t. I asked him if his ex wife changed her mind, would he go back to her. He assured me he wanted to marry me. Well, you guessed it. His ex wife told him she would give him another chance and he broke up with me. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t function. We were planning a wedding and a life together and he had no problem turning his back on me and breaking his commitment. I am desperate for healing.

    Nate Hilpert
    July 12, 2017 at 1:56 pm #32982

    xandermansmom,

    Devastating…your heart’s gotta be in a million pieces right now. Smashed. Then gently mended. Then smashed even worse. Smashed and smashed and smashed and smashed, and it feels like you’re so crushed you don’t know if you could ever build yourself back up. You feel horribly alone. Taken advantage of. Used. Stupid. Broken. Empty. Hopeless. And like everything is impossibly heavy. How could you ever trust someone again? How could you ever have the guts to get back up and try again? How could you ever find healing from this deep of a hurt? It feels like there’s almost no point in trying again.

    Honestly, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine the vulnerability you had to have to open yourself back up to someone who crushed you before and then to have them do the same thing…It’s just devastating…your poor heart. It hurts mine to think about. I’m sure you know because your girlfriends have all told you that this guy’s worth just about a sack of dicks and you deserve better. I agree. I’m sure you know because your girlfriends have told you that time will make things better, that your heart will heal, and that you’ll find real love and not boys pretending to be men. I agree. I’m sure you know because your girlfriends have told you that you’re beautiful and strong and capable and confident and that you matter and that this isn’t going to take you out but you’re going to bounce back better than ever. And I agree. And I’m also sure that you know that while all of that is nice, you still can’t help but feel completely devastated. And for that, I’m sorry. I remember the loss of the love of my life and the complete ruin I was in. Having a void that was unfillable. In fact, it was ever-expanding, because everything reminded me of her and how stupid I was for investing so much into her…and the worst part was when I hurt, I wanted to bring my pain to her, and it made me feel even worse. I felt like I was falling, deeper, and deeper, into a depression I didn’t know how to resurface from. The darkness of that season was unbearable. Every moment was incurable ache. In the middle of it, it felt like it’d never get better. For me, things changed because they had to. I was either going to do something to fix what I was feeling or I was going to get swallowed by it. I knew, the people in my life were depending on me to break in the positive direction, so I had to. I packed up everything that reminded me of her and got rid of it. I removed every trace, every scrap, every reminder, every social media, everything that I had, and I had to rip off the bandaid to start truly healing. Without doing that, I was just going to get worse and worse infection. And I felt numb afterwards. My life felt empty. But that emptiness was GOOD. It meant I had to fill it. And I started filling it with other things, with other people, with other memories, with other feelings and thoughts, and things just got better. And they can for you too. You’ve got what it takes. You deserve better. Believe me…any shithead that’s willing to do what he did to you isn’t worth your time. I feel bad for his ex, since now she’s got to deal with him. Carve him out of your life and let the emptiness propel you to fill your life with others who are better.

    Hoping good things for you, friend.

    -Nate

    xandermansmom
    July 12, 2017 at 4:55 pm #33009

    Nate, I feel the exact same way. Every emotion I feel that is tied to him, be it hurt or anger, I want to bring to him and when I do, I feel worse, like a stalker and I was told by him his ex wife thinks my contact is inapropriate which digs the knife blade in even more to have her comment on the pathetic reactions of my broken heart. I’ve deleted his number. I haven’t been able to bring myself to delete photos and really, I should have known better when he wouldn’t even add me on Facebook the first time we were together. I didn’t bother asking the second time. I am exhausted from lack of sleep, humbled by how much I need my friends and embarrassed at how often I reach out to them for their support. I managed for one day not to text him. I will aim for another and another until it becomes easier. I had not texted him in two months but was still crying over him the first time when he reached out to me and told me he wanted to marry me. I should have told him no. It would have been hard, but I would have saved myself the heartache the second time around.

    Glo
    July 12, 2017 at 11:31 pm #33011

    I’m sorry for what you went through. I know the feeling too well since it happened to me. But u will get over him and you will love someone who deserves your love, someone who will cherish you and think you are the best person to ever come into their life.
    Take one step at a time. The healing will not be in a day or a week. Keep yourself busy, get a hobby that will help u not think about him.
    I’m still in the road to recovery but I hope there will come a day when I don’t hear his name and not feel sad or fight tears from rolling down.
    Wishing u the best in your recovery process.

    benufford55
    July 13, 2017 at 1:07 pm #33012

    I am very sorry about what has happened to you. I know that this must really hurt your heart. Be careful not to get too down on yourself. I hear you saying you should have known better, but don’t blame yourself for having a heart that loves him. It is not your fault that he failed to be the man he promised he would be when he asked you to marry him. Love is a beautiful and powerful thing. Unfortunately, it can be painful. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship, but don’t lose yourself in it. Don’t forget who you are. You are important and worthy of love. Allow yourself to accept that you are amazing as you are and that you are completely 100% person lovable. I am sad to admit that we as men have failed to love women the way they deserve. I pray each day that I can love my wife the way that she deserves. Rejection is so painful and inflicts deep wounds, but don’t let someone’s rejection cause you to reject yourself. You are great the way you are.

    -Ben

    Nate Hilpert
    July 13, 2017 at 3:40 pm #33020

    xandermansmom,

    I don’t blame you for saying yes. It’s every woman’s dream to have the man ride back in on the wild stallion and sweep you off your feet, and a proposal is certainly one way to do that. You’re not crazy for being hurt. You’re not crazy for taking up his offer. You’re not stupid for getting dumped. Honestly, if anything, I wish you were a duck…that way this water could just slide right off your back. (#dadjokes) You’re doing good. You’re stronger than you recognize. You’re well-supported and well-loved, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of reaching out for their embrace. You’re going to get through this; you’re going to heal; and you’re going to be okay.

    Rooting you on.

    -Nate

    xandermansmom
    July 13, 2017 at 3:53 pm #33021

    I managed to delete all his photos during a momentary moment of strength after attending a healing ministry which I thought had cured me of this gutwrenching pain but it was a momentary reprieve. I spent a sleepless night last night huddled in excruciating agony of heartbreak with questions torturing my mind and had to stay home from work today, utterly exhausted and unable to function. I will never understand how a man who claimed to love me could do this to me not once, but twice. The first time he broke up with me, I attempted suicide and was hospitalized and he knew it. For him to come back and do the same thing again was cruel.

    Nate Hilpert
    July 13, 2017 at 4:16 pm #33023

    Cruel, indeed, xandermansmom.

    But no more cruel than what you chose to do to yourself as a result. Is your reaction justified? Logically speaking, absolutely. It makes sense to feel crippled in pain. But he is no longer a part of your life, and the pain that remains is self-imposed. I mean that by saying this: the questions and thoughts that are torturing your mind are the ones you’re asking and thinking yourself. “How could he do this to me? Why? How could I ever bounce back from this? Will I ever recover? Will I ever find love again?” These questions are ones you are choosing, as hard as it is to say, and those thoughts as a result are the continuous waves of heartbreak you’re experiencing. If you can stomach the notion of self-imposing pain, then the good news is you can choose otherwise. If you can embrace the fact that you are choosing this pain, then you can also choose to release yourself from it. If you can let go of the belief that he is doing this to you and realize that you are doing it to yourself, then you can do something better: rise, heal, grow. This type of resilience, of recovery, of overcoming — it is not beyond you. You are clearly a self-aware, strong, and able woman. You will not be defeated by this boy of a man. But if you let yourself continue the same thoughts and questions you’re asking yourself, you will defeat yourself. I know this is far-cry from the comfort anyone hopes to receive after heartbreak, and yet, it doesn’t seem like you need comfort at this point. You need fucking answers. You need solutions. You need to get out from under this boulder of sorrow you feel crushed by. And you won’t find those answers and you’ll continue to stay stuck if you blame anyone else but yourself. It is the hard truth, the bitter pill you must swallow, but if you do, you will find the empowerment you’re looking for within. You can do this. You matter enough to do this. You will flourish in the face of what felt like sweltering defeat, and you will rise. You’ve got this.

    -Nate

    xandermansmom
    July 14, 2017 at 8:24 am #33038

    I want the pain to stop but it comes unwelcome and us affecting my life. I stayed home from work exhausted from lack of sleep. Thankfully, I got my doctor to prescribe a sleep aid and was able to sleep last night but the pain in unbearable no matter how hard I try to forget. It is because I still love him and I realise he never loved me. He was using me to get his ex back. That makes me feel worthless and like a fool because I genuinely thought he cared for me. If there was a magic pill to take to get past this, I would be taking it but right now, the only thing that helps is venting, hearing from others and being reminded that he was not a good person who deserved my love. Reading he is a bag of dicks actually made me feel better because I wasn’t looking down on him for the breakup. I was looking down on myself. But the relief was temporary and I need reminders he had the problem, not me until I finally get over him.

    Nate Hilpert
    July 14, 2017 at 1:02 pm #33042

    Haha, well, good news is I’m pretty sure we can all agree he was a gigantic sack of small, little dicks. 🙂

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