rachela97July 9, 2017 at 12:27 am #32955
I’m so scared, alone, and desperate. My sort-of ex (we never defined the relationship) ended things two months ago and I haven’t been myself since then. I think I’m in love with him, and he likes me and misses me, but he doesn’t know what he wants. My antidepressants aren’t helping me at all, and I don’t want to live my life anymore because the pain is just so bad. I’m afraid to sleep because I might dream about him, I did last night and I woke up shaking and then I cried for a while. I feel stupid and embarrassed for feeling like I’m in love with him, because I’m only 19 and it lasted for only two months, but my feelings are so strong. I’m tired of having anxiety attacks when he texts me, I’m tired of crying whenever I see something that reminds me of him, I’m tired of feeling sick to my stomach when I think about him. The worst part is that I miss him so awfully. The pain is just so bad, so intense that I’m scared that this will last a while because I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this. I have been trying so hard to move on and forget the past, but it’s hard to do that when I know he still thinks about me, and I can’t stop myself from thinking about him. My therapy doesn’t help either, nothing seems to help. I don’t want to be strong anymore, I don’t want to live this way. There isn’t much that makes me happy, it’s been that way for years, but he made me feel so happy and now that’s gone. I’m tired of this mental fight against myself and I don’t know how to keep going.AVJRJuly 9, 2017 at 12:42 am #32956
rachela97, I’m sorry you are going through this. My words of encouragement might not lift you up, but the only thing I can say is that there is always someone in this world who will listen to you. I hope you are having a great night. Take care. 🌃Nate HilpertJuly 10, 2017 at 3:37 pm #32966
Man, what a brutal place to be…it’s worse that it was only two months because it feels like it makes no sense you’re going through all of this….you feel almost embarrassed for feeling this attached. But nonetheless, here you are, feeling completely swallowed by this need, by this desire for this person’s companionship. It’s overwhelming; it’s scary…and the pain is like this downward spiral of feeling bad, wanting to share that pain with him, realizing you can’t, feeling worse, something else reminding you of him, etc, etc. It’s like a nightmare you LIVE, not just dream about. You’re already sick to your stomach about it, and you know that you can’t live the rest of your life like this. You need change. Fast.
When my girlfriend of three years broke up with me in college, I felt so similarly. I can describe to you so many moments where the pain of realizing I didn’t have her seared itself so vividly into my memory. And then in that moment realizing that the only person I wanted to bring that pain to was her, and I couldn’t. It was pain compounded by loneliness compounded by pain compounded by loneliness. I felt like I was in a pit that only had one ladder, and that ladder was her, and I couldn’t reach it anymore. And when you’re stuck in a pit for long enough, you start to wonder if you’ll ever get out. And if you can’t, what the point of keeping on going is.
For me what changed was I realized I couldn’t keep reminding myself of her. Everything in my room reminded me of her, photos on my computer, my social media, my phone, my everything….there was just her EVERYWHERE. I couldn’t handle it. I had to do something to change and make myself feel better. I loved her, but she was killing me, and I had to make the choice to love myself more than I loved her. I had to choose to let her go by literally removing the things that reminded me of her in my life. I got rid of it all. And it felt SO BAREN. I remember looking at my room and it literally looked like I had just moved into my dorm, it was as empty as it was when I got there. But something magic started happening once I allowed myself to sit there….I started to fill that space she had been taking with other things. Other friends. Other memories. Other experiences. I started to feel again, color came back in, I started to feel other emotions more than just pain and loneliness. It wasn’t necessarily all overnight, but once I made the decision to not turn back, things got better.
In saying that and thinking about applying it to your life, I know that you might feel like I did the fear that maybe you’d never experience the same kind of love again…I mean my girlfriend was WAY out of my league. And she loved me so well. When she broke up with me, I started to question whether I’d ever experience this kind of love or relationship ever again. And in that moment, rachela97, I honestly didn’t think I was going to. It felt like my life just stopped and any chance for love evaporated with it. But I had to take a bold step…I had to believe that wasn’t true and believe that I would be loved. I had to believe it BEFORE I saw it. Before I actually had any chance of finding love again, I had to believe it within me. And I think even though it doesn’t feel like it makes sense to you either, you’ve just got to believe that you’re going to be okay, and that you’re going to find love. And then you’ve gotta make the decision to cut everything about him out of your life. It’s like ripping off a bandaid–it DEFINITELY hurts at first. I cried when I was getting rid of her stuff. But it felt so much better to take it off than to let my heart get infected.
You are worth it, Rachela97. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be loved again. (Even now, you are loved more than you know.) You’re strong enough, you’re courageous enough. You can do this. This won’t be your end; it can be another beautiful beginning. Take heart!
-Naterachela97July 15, 2017 at 11:58 pm #33065
This response is a bit late, but thank you so much. Knowing that someone I’m not the only one who’s experienced something similar is very comforting, -and it’s even more comforting to know that it’s absolutely possible to heal and move on. Reading your reply to my post has actually given me a little more hope that I’ll be fine. I’m doing my best to move forward, with your advice in mind. Thank you again, and take care! 🙂AVJRJuly 16, 2017 at 1:29 am #33071
You’re welcome! 😊
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