sweethistoryMarch 13, 2017 at 2:45 am #30998
To those out there with depression – mild, moderate, or severe – please know that you are not alone. The sinking feeling. That falling feeling doesn’t last. While I was in high school, I went through several hardships. Now that I look back on them, a few were definitely not as bad as I made them out to be. While in high school, all four years I was dating someone who was manipulative and sexually abusive – always telling me that if i didn’t have sex with him that he wouldn’t love me. At 14 years old, this was something i didn’t want to be; unlovable. This relationship took me through many rough patches with my parents, who I now realize love me very dearly and only wanted the best for me and they were seeing what I wasn’t. I was a very smart girl and i fell through high school due to this.
Between my Sophmore (year 10) and Junior year (year 11), I experienced something I hope no one ever has to experience. I lost my best friend to a car accident. Some lady hit him at a yield turn going fairly fast and not paying attention due to the fact that she was on her phone. When they collided, she drug his body 40 feet and then stopped because (at the least the reports say) that her kid was screaming at her in the passenger seat to stop, that she had hit someone. My friend was air lifted to a near by hospital where he spent 7 days in an induced coma to lighten the swelling of his brain from the crash. He didn’t survive. On that 7th day, I got a text message from his mom telling me I needed to get to the hospital as soon as I could, that it was very important. That was the same day she signed the papers to release his body as an organ donor and to let them pull the plug. I remember being in shock when I got the news. The family invited me into his room to say one last goodbye. It hurts to tell you this story because to this day I miss him very much… I was in shock. I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know what was appropriate. I didn’t know whether to cry, to sit, to stand to hug my dad? I didn’t know. I went into the room to say goodbye and I can still remember his eyes, how green they were… thinking about how mad he would’ve been if he’s actually woken up and seen that the doctors shaved off half of his hair on his head (his hair was literally his life), listening to the sound of the machines keeping his heart beating. I knew he couldn’t hear me anymore. But saying goodbye was all I had left. I remember going home and crying and crying and crying more and screaming at my parents, howling because I’d never experienced anything that had hurt as bad as that did. Needless to say, ending one school year with him and starting another without him was very surreal…
About a year and a half later, I lost a family friend. She hung her self due to circumstances in her own life. When I had gotten the news, I instantly knew she had taken her life and it was not an accident. This particular young lady consistently gave out her heart to anyone and everyone that would take it. She was kind, and loving, with a radiant personality, but none of her love or brilliance or heart was ever reciprocated back to her. She spent alot of her early adolescent life bouncing from home to home because her parents were in jail but her family never gave her up to the system. Instead, she was forced to room in one home until she was forced out and back into the same situation. 2 or so weeks before she turned 17, the nice young man she was dating – age 21 – got crushed by a car in his work place and died upon impact. No one was sympathetic to her pain, in fact, no one wanted her seeing him in the first place. Several days later she took her life in the short time frame of 35 minutes while alone in her grandmothers home. I still remember her funeral. It was something I could never forget. They put her in her favorite pin-up style dress and not one person including myself could keep from crying. When we reached the cemetery to say our last good byes, they lowered her casket into the ground and buried her right in front of everyone. Brought in the tractors and everything. I’d never been so mortified in my life. Her family members had requested that kind of ceremony “just to make sure she was actually dead and not faking it”.
Around this same time I started seeing someone who was extremely toxic. An alcoholic, abusive – in more ways than one – and overly controlling. I managed to get myself out of that situation before anything too terrible happened. The turning point for me whilst i was in that relationship, was one night he had a little too much to drink and I smoked a little too much and we went for food. We got pulled over in the process, putting him in jail. Luckily, because I had a clean record, I got a slap on the wrist and called to have my now angry mother pick me up… That wasn’t fun…
During this entire period, I had a very strained relationship with my friends and family. I had cast myself aside from them because I was convinced that they didn’t know what was best for me. I constantly fought with my mother, and father, and brother. the people that we’re trying to protect me. Over medicating myself almost on a daily basis so I didn’t have to feel sad, or heavy, or lonely anymore. I tried twice to overdose. All I wanted to do was to sleep. To sleep, and sleep, and sleep, and sleep, and to never wake up again.
I constantly felt as though I was falling. Falling further and further and further down wondering, wishing, just hoping that sometime it would end. That I would hit the ground and it was all be over. That I would never have to feel that way again.
After the age of 19, my life started changing. i was on antidepressants. working a full time job. trying to get my life somewhat together.
Over time, I started to understand why my dad was so hurt by my actions in the recent years… because he had dealt with similar things at a similar age. I started getting along with my parents, and my brother. I still had a very strained friendships with alot of people in my life. but eventually i started dating someone i thought was very good for me. Turns out he’s what i like the call “the healthy kind of toxic” I lost 40 lbs with him and felt fantastic. I was practically living with him and i thought we were happy until we weren’t. I’ll spare the details.. Long story short, for once i was exactly the person I wanted to be; skinny, healthy, had some money in my pocket, make-up, hair, nails done every day. wearing clothes that fit me. The best me i thought i could ever be, until one day he tells me “I don’t find you attractive anymore, you need to pack your things and leave”. I couldn’t even tell you how heart broken i was. And till this day still am. He might not have been the one but that is no way to treat someone who has been working so hard to build themselves up, not only for them but for you too.
After this I spent alot of time reaching out to friends and close family. Healing myself in new ways. I became a strong, independent young lady but in the process I became very numb. Very disassociated.
So this is then end of my story:
I am now working a great job, I just got promoted, I’ve moved out of my parents house, I’m paying on a car, going back to school this summer, I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me very nicely, and it’s been a year since I’ve been off my anti-depressants.
I’m not perfect, but eventually, that falling feeling began to feel like flying. I no longer have suicidal thoughts, in fact, I look forward to waking up each day.alilkatiekattMarch 13, 2017 at 9:33 am #30999
hi friend! first off, thank u so so muchfor sharing! it seems like youve been through a lot, but still held on and kept fighting. you are one strong person, thats for sure! this is amazing. this weekend, i lostmy best friend. she committed suicide. she was the only IRL friedn that i had. i have a lot of online friends, but IRL friends adn online friends are different. seeing your post has sparked some sort of drive and boost of hope and faith in me.
reading all thst youve been throguh, then reading thT u now have a great job, have just gotten promoted, have been off of antidepressants for a year, and u look forward to waking up everyday, thats just amazing. and it has really given me so much hope. that no matter how many tiems u can fall and struggle greatly, u csn still hve the chance to live a very haoppy and successful life. im not great at explainin thiings or myself, but yeah, i just wanted to thank u for sharing your story. its giveb me hope, and has lifted me up a little. thanks man. please continue to share with others! im sure u can give many others hope when theyre feeeling like they’re hopeless. take care, ur so strong. <3sweethistoryMarch 13, 2017 at 11:41 pm #31021
Before I start, please know I’m sorry for your loss. I send my condolences. It’s hard to loose a friend… especially to those specific circumstances. I know you’re probably feeling a little lost at the moment. If I can offer any help, please let me know. I understand what it’s like to grieve. Please, if there anything I can do for you, any questions or guidance I can help with, I’m here.Nate HilpertMarch 16, 2017 at 10:17 am #31081
Wow, talk about a life surrounded by tragedy — going from abusive boyfriend to abusive boyfriend, the tragic and unjust loss of your best friend, watching horror repay your family friend’s life of kindness, feeling at war with your family, feeling estranged by your friends, feeling swallowed by the constancy of daily depression, and feeling like everywhere you turn for comfort — even if it starts out well — turns out to be toxic. It feels like you were destined for failure, for pain, and yet somehow in the midst of all of this, you found a way to redeem what others set out to break and rise above the struggles you had to face. What a powerful, what a beautiful story…and now you feel proud and excited about the new turn your journey has taken, and you can’t wait to see what’s in store ahead—moreover, you’re happy about TODAY, and THAT is something deeply profound from where you’ve come.
Outside of the triumph that you’re achieving by rising against all odds in your life, one of the things you said that stood out to me was that in your very first relationship your deepest fear was to be unlovable…you would do anything, so long as it meant that your boyfriend would stay around and tell you that he loves you. And what struck me as interesting was the fact that through all the twists and turns that your life has taken, learning and growing through all of the craziness, is that your most recent X dumped you and basically said, “Go away from me because not only do I not love you anymore, but you have become unloveable to me.” What a scarring experience, holy shit. He effectively kicked you out of his life for the very reason you were afraid to ever be abandoned…it rose the fear in you that maybe at the end of the day, all of this success and growth is a facade and there’s nothing I could ever do to be loved. It makes it hard to FULLY trust anyone! Because what if they just love me here and now for what I can give them, and then when it’s convenient they leave me, and in the end I’ve always been unlovable.
You know, I know that especially since you’re riding a high of things in your life being stellar (which they DEFINITELY are, it sounds like you’re in an amazing place, and I’m so happy for you), I just want to check in with your heart, deeper than the surface — how ARE you? How do you feel about yourself when no one else is around, and do you still fear in the back of your mind that you might find out later on that you’re still what you fear the most?
YES. I want to celebrate the victories — good NIGHT, girl, your story is amazing, and your character and perseverance are so noble. I’m impressed and excited about what you’re up to and where you’re headed. All of that, AND, I want to check in below the “I’m doing awesome” exterior and see — how are you underneath it all?
-NatesweethistoryMarch 19, 2017 at 2:27 am #31127
Thanks for taking the time out to ready my story. The answer to your question at large is: I’m okay.
Some days are better than other and some days are worse. There are some days I struggle without anti-depressants or I can’t keep certain thoughts away. There are even some days, as weird as it sounds were I attempt to reason with myself over the feelings and emotions I might be encountering and the sad truth is sometimes it doesn’t always work.
But through the experiences I’ve had I’ve learned a couple of things. I am not unlovable because I love myself (some days are harder than others). I don’t need any one to love me for me. I cleaned up my life in sense of friendships and toxicity. I no longer have toxic relationships in my life and for the first time in forever, if and when I reach out for help I know there will be people there to reach back. Understanding that as I progress into my adulthood, not everyone has the time to reach back immediately because they’re busy I’ve found a certain amount of tranquility and solace in doing things that make me happy. Even for a short amount of time. Sometimes I’ll drive down to my favorite beach by myself, or take a drive through the mountains, I’ll listen to my favorite band, or pick up a good book so I can escape for a few hours.
I realize that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me just being content with my life. I don’t have to be happy constantly and if I’m not okay now, I know things will be okay later. Things take time. I’ve become a very patient and understanding person and I continue to make wholesome friends.
I have struggles with normal daily issues, but other than that, I don’t over sleep any more. I look forward to the light of the day or little things like walks in the park with my moms dog. I don’t have trouble getting up for work. I don’t disappear from my friends and over all I’m content to be breathing currently. There are some days when I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see so I refrain from eating that day or taking a picture. There are some days where colder thoughts enter my head and the thought of being unlovable or unwantable is unbearable and to a point painful. But I for the most part I’m capable of sleeping it off and I’ve gotten really good at reaching out when I start feeling like I’m falling again.
I guess overall, the answer to your question is, I’m doing alright.
Thank you for checking up on me. I know it’s not your job and I’m a complete stranger, but it means the world to me 10x over.Nate HilpertMarch 22, 2017 at 3:19 pm #31171
I love this. So beautiful to see you prioritizing self-care, learning what fills you up, what restores you, and what helps you feel alive. Learning patience with others, investing in relationships, reaching out when you need help — I mean this is all amazing stuff, and stuff that’s setting you up to feel confident in yourself that no matter what you face in life, you’re going to be okay in the end. I love it.
I am curious — what was the first time you ever felt unlovable? What was that moment, as far back as you can remember, where you feared that was true, you felt like someone wounded you with that belief?
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