emily18elizabethJuly 23, 2017 at 3:15 pm #33263
Hi everyone. So I need some help. I have this small group of friends and I’m not going to name any names so I’m going to refer to these two as Friend E and Friend N.
So all of us have been really close since our senior year of high school. It has now been two years since we graduated and all of us are finding where we stand in life. Me and friend N are still really close. We go out to dinner, have girls days, go to concerts…things of that nature. Friend E is not in the same boat. After high school she was in a relationship and dropped both me and Friend N like a hot potato. This relationship lasted a year and in that year we barely heard from Friend E, but she still claimed we were all were best friends.
Now, Friend E is in another relationship and is now engaged. She still barely talks to us but claims we are all STILL best friends, just like we were in high school. The last time she tried making plans with both Friend N and myself was Christmas 2016. Both friend N and myself have kind of given up on her because we are tired of trying to make an effort. When Friend N tries to makes plans with her she either has no money or cancels last minute and she never even tries to talk to me anymore. It has gotten so bad that she FORGOT my birthday and I had even seen her that same day and she said nothing.
Here is where things get interesting. Friend N and myself went to Warped Tour this past week and we did not want Friend E going with us because she ruined it last year (another whole story). We were bad and basically planned it without her but we still asked her to join us. She said she was cool with us going because she didn’t have the money for it. Friend N and I were excited and then the night before we left she texts us asking if she can join us, we said we would talk in the morning and discuss everything and then a couple hours later we get a text from her fiancé, cursing at us and saying how inconsiderate we are and that we owe her really good apologizes because how could we do this to our “best” friend? What we didn’t know though was before he had sent us this message, BEFORE any of us had discussed anything, he went ahead and bought her a ticket. She had already said she couldn’t afford it so if she would have went apparently she was just going to go for free and not pay US for anything, like the hotel room we had already paid for and gas to get up there because I was the one driving.
All of us ended up fighting, Friend E didn’t go, and now we are all sitting down tomorrow night to discuss everything and basically have a knock down, drag out.
She wants us to be in her wedding, yet she never talks to us.
She believes nothing has changed, yet she forgot my birthday.
She thinks I haven’t changed since high school, when in reality Friend N and I have grown up, but she hasn’t yet.
It got to the point that she didn’t give me my christmas present until May, cried in my basement because she was still mad Friend N didn’t go to a New Year’s Party with her, and proceeded to say “well I guess we aren’t going to warped tour this year because you haven’t planned anything” I didn’t realize I had to plan everything for her and include her in every single thing in my life.
I really don’t want to have this “talk” tomorrow and I’m afraid things are going to get out of hand. I have asked God for His guidance but I am still worried and I’m struggling to keep the peace when in reality, with everything she has pulled, I don’t want to consider her a friend anymore. Do you have any advice on what I should do?AVJRJuly 23, 2017 at 3:58 pm #33264
emily18elizabeth, I’m sorry you are not having a great time. I never had situation similar to yours, but you only have two options:
1. Try: do your best to communicate with your friends, and try to work things out.
2. Let Friend E go: if she is not taking her time out of her day to spend time with you, and Friend N, it is best to let her go.
People have compromises, they have their own thing to do, we need to accept not everyone is going to be with us until the end. Sometimes, the friends we used to had lost interest in us. Drifted apart. I will never understand why people in my life walked out on me. You just have to bless them, and say goodbye. I know is hard, but you will make it through. If you are dealing with something, you are welcome to share. Heart Support is here for you. I hope you are having a great Sunday. God bless. Stay strong. 💪🏾ClickTheShutterAugust 8, 2017 at 3:37 pm #33406
Woof. I hear you. This sounds like it’s really hurting and probably driving you absolutely crazy.
Like AVJR said, you seem to have only 2 options here. Either try and knuckle down and have this talk with everyone or let Friend E go. Now, don’t go and just completely drop off Friend E, because she might be going through a battle you might not know about and being dropped like that might hurt her even more if she is indeed going through something. It seems like there might be some sort of relationship attachment scenario going on with this fiancé. It’s a completely possible circumstance This person may just be completely oblivious to what they’re doing as well. It’s not fair to either of you to assume things because you might be the only friend she has left beside her fiancé.
If you decide to knuckle down and have this talk with everyone, make sure you and Friend N use I statements, so it doesn’t seem like you’re coming down on Friend E. If Friend E is doing all these things that are bothering you, it’s only fair to let her know. Respectfully, of course. You need to show that you still value this person because it doesn’t seem like this is malicious. It’s just a natural split apart, which is perfectly okay. People are different and eventually go their separate ways. It’s a part of life that everyone goes through.
Unfortunately, that’s just a part of growing up. It sucks, but it’s perfectly normal and okay to grow apart. If the person isn’t investing in the relationship and doesn’t put out effort, it’s hard to be friends. Plain and simple. In my experience, if a friend has been a “not-friend”, I would talk with them and set things straight to see if you’re able to get them to either understand and help them recognize what they’re doing. If they didn’t, I would stop the friendship and move on. It’s not healthy for you to have this constant worry or stress that this friend seems to bring you, and could actually explode and make things worse if you keep it in.
To recap, have this talk with everyone, but be respectful and honest. Use I statements. If the friend doesn’t seem to get it, they just might not be on the same plane as you and it’d be best to split apart. You seem like a very reasonable and mature person. If you’re making effort and reaching out but it’s not reciprocated, it’s in your best interest to save that energy and leave this friend. It’s commendable that you’re being such a good friend and you’re trying to do a good job, but if it’s not making its way back to you, it almost feels like a “why even try?” moment. Have this talk. It might reveal things you didn’t know were going on behind the scenes, and could even bring Friend E to an “Oh, I didn’t realize I was even doing that” realization.
Good luck, friend. You can do this. Hold fast!ashandisAugust 8, 2017 at 5:03 pm #33407
I have experienced this with a friend from college who ended up moving out of the college. She would get mad when my friend and I would do something. I think this friend maybe does need you to communicate with her how you are feeling about this relationship. It is feeling like a one way street right now.
I will say that for some of the people I have who are friends were not taught how to be a friend. So maybe it is important that you show your friend what a friend truly is. When you go to have conversations with this person remember to use I statements. Do not put the entire blame on her. Be sure she knows how you feel.
In this conversation if you are worried it is going to be a fight bring in someone that is not apart of this group. Someone who can be switzerland like doesnt have things on either side. I know this sounds crazy but it would gives you someone that could help if it gets out of hand.
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