• RyanTheWhite
    March 18, 2017 at 12:03 am #31116

    So this week has been a whirlwind for me. Normally I get past it on my own but this time I feel like I need to once again call on the community here for support. Earlier this week, I met a girl and we got along famously. I asked her for her number and we set up a date. She was such a kind girl and seemed very enthusiastic about a date. Well, she gave me a bogus phone number as I found out when I tried calling her. That same day another girl, that I was told by a mutual friend was interested in me too, stopped talking to me for no apparent reason, I ran into another girl that I’d known before and I added her on facebook only to find out that when she saw my request, she blocked me. This has been a pattern in my life. I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve never had someone have feelings for me and I’ve either been told “no” when I ask a girl on a date, to my face, or they’ve said “yes” and given me an excuse later as to why they’re all wrong for me and won’t go on a date with me. Literally every girl and I know the meaning of the word “literally”. So that got me thinking “is there something wrong with me?” I’ve been told by a lot of people that I’m not a bad looking person and I make friends very easily, in fact I have lots of friends including close friends. People are confused when I tell them my story because they find it hard to believe I’ve never had someone. I’m a little overweight but sometimes it’s hard to tell cause I’m not THAT overweight. But the only conclusion I can come to is that I’m unattractive and that there’s something seriously wrong with me. All I want out of life is to find love, I don’t care about anything else. I’ve accomplished everything else in my life that I’ve ever dreamed of and they’ve come easily to me. Except love. It’s the one thing I’ve truly wanted in life and it’s the one thing I’ve never been able to acquire despite how hard I’ve worked to find it. That got me praying. I prayed and prayed and prayed to know why my life is like this. Why, despite so much effort, so much change I’ve made in myself physically, mentally and emotionally, why I can’t find someone even willing to give me a chance. I asked God if there’s someone out there for me and I only got the answer “No”. I’ve gotten that answer a lot. In my religion, we believe everyone will have the chance to be with someone for eternity so why am I getting the answer “No, there does exist a person for you”? Every time I get an answer from God it’s always too late. The answer I needed always come just after I really needed it and sometimes those answers came just late enough that something devastating to me happened just before the answer came. So I’ve become angry at God. It’s interesting, I believe there is a God, I believe He loves us all…except me. Because ever since I stopped praying, ever since I stopped caring for religion, not that I stopped believing but stopped caring, my life has gotten better in a lot of ways almost as if God was sabotaging my life. I thought things were getting better for me, things were finally going my way, I was meeting new people and I thought how much better it was…until this week when everything started to fall apart. I had so much confidence in myself. Confidence that I could find a girl that loved me. And yet, in one day three girls ruined all of that. All my self confidence and self esteem was crushed in one day. It’s always been low but I worked so hard to shape myself into someone I wanted to be. Now instead of looking forward to some sort of heaven or afterlife I hope there is nothing after we die because then I don’t have to be alone for all time. It’ll just be for a few more years. If we’re supposed to be happy in our life on Earth then why is it that the one thing that could truly bring me happiness is something I can never have? What is it about me that’s so repulsive to other people? Is happiness not meant for some people? It is plausible that there are exceptions to a deity’s so-called unconditional love? I see people that beat their wives and girlfriends, that murder, that are terrible people and yet, they found love. The most terrible people can have what I long for, what I desire with all my heart, and yet I can’t for some unknown reason. Why? Why did Hitler deserve love but I don’t? Why do rapists and murderers deserve love but I don’t? I don’t even care if anyone replies to this, it’s just nice to get it out there. If you do reply, just don’t say “You’ll find someone eventually” that’s the my situation equivalent of “Why don’t you just be happy?” when a person is depressed.

    KikiMichelle
    March 18, 2017 at 4:37 am #31118

    Hi, Ryan.
    I think we can ALL relate to these feelings.

    My best friend used to get upset about the same things; she was 21 and still hadn’t had a boyfriend or even her first kiss.

    I’m not going to say that you’ll find someone “eventually”, but I will tell you that meeting your love is so worth the wait. I wish I could tell my teenage self that.

    Please don’t trick yourself into believing that an abusive relationship is love. Don’t confuse love with a lover.

    God has a path (and love) for you just like everyone else and the best thing you can do is trust in Him and his plan. I know that waiting is hard and it’s not exactly what you want to hear, but it’s what you need. Focus less on the love you haven’t found quite yet and more on the love you already have: your friends (including us!), your family, and God.

    And don’t get upset over the girls who walk away. They’re obviously not the right ones anyway.

    RyanTheWhite
    March 18, 2017 at 10:39 am #31122

    Hey Kiki, thanks for saying what you did. The problem for me is that I’m 24 and never even seen a slight glimmer of hope of finding someone. The culture where I live is you’re expected to get married quickly and all my friends are married. In fact it’s hard to find someone around my age because they’re mostly all married. I know that that’s not normal in the rest of the world but I still feel the pressure here. Trust me, though, I don’t confuse love with lovers I just question why these people have someone and I don’t. I guess I see the difference but it still makes me wonder, ya know? You’re right about not getting upset over the ones that walk away, I just wonder why they all walk away immediately.

    John Williford
    March 20, 2017 at 7:28 am #31131

    Hey Ryan. First I’d like to give you a high-five for using the word “literally” right hahaha. I’m that jerk who’s like “that’s not what ‘literally’ means” when people say things like “OMG this is literally the longest movie ever made”.

    I also want to thank you for putting so many qualifiers in your initial paragraph. I see that you’re well-educated and know generally what you’re talking about, and appreciate that I can move right past the “you’ll find someone” watered down response that you might sometimes get.

    To me, it sounds like God is calling out for you to love Him first. Now I’m just a random dude who doesn’t know you at all, but I’ve often found that if I’m looking this way and that trying to find something else to make me happy and give me the joy that only God can give, He shuts it down. He shuts that down because He knows that the greatest happiness is found in Him, and sometimes we need a nudge to remind us of that. Maybe this is your reminder (maybe emphasized- I don’t ever want to assume what God may or may not be doing ha).

    So that’s where I’d like to focus. Why don’t you think God loves you? Why does it feel like he’s backstabbing you? Don’t worry, I’m not going to throw Bible verses at you or anything, just asking how you feel.

    RyanTheWhite
    March 23, 2017 at 10:49 am #31185

    The reason I feel the way I do is because for the longest time when I prayed I felt like someone was listening and then for the past few months it’s just felt like I was talking to myself and like my prayers were falling on deaf ears. Whenever I asked for help with a decision, for example I was considering moving in with a friend because his apartment had an opening (we’re students) and I just wasn’t sure what to do. Finally, I got my answer and as soon I acted on it I found out someone else had claimed the contract on the room earlier in the day just before I got my answer. That’s the not the first time something like that has happened either. I’d pray and ask for help with a decision or something important and the answer or help came just after it was too late. Another thing is, because finding someone is so important to me and also to my religion (we believe marriage doesn’t end at death but continues for eternity), I questioned why if it’s so important to find someone, why would God tell me there isn’t someone for me? So I’d ask that and I’d essentially get back “Well, sucks to be you”. So to summarize, it doesn’t feel like anyone is listening when I pray anymore, if answers come they come just late enough to make me think I’m being mocked and often times they come in the form of “Well, it sucks to be you” type answers. I always hear people talk about how they had their prayers answered. I hear it so much and I wonder “So why am I different?”. I’m definitely not a perfect person but I try to do the right thing. So, when everyone around me is experiencing God’s love why am I the only one, it seems, that isn’t? So that kinda leads me to think He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care what happens to me and He’s sick of hearing about my problems. He used to help but doesn’t anymore. Ever since I quit praying things have improved, too. Relationships with people have improved, I’ve learned so much about myself and life and I’ve even had success in finding someone (small success but more than before). So those are the reasons why I don’t think God cared about me, why He was sabotaging me. If live was miserable when I tried to make Him the center, why is it better with Him gone? All this isn’t to say I don’t believe in God anymore. I’ve had experiences that confirm to me the presence of a God. I know He exists and I’ll never deny that, I just wonder what the nature of our relationship is.

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