RyanTheWhiteMarch 18, 2017 at 12:03 am #31116
So this week has been a whirlwind for me. Normally I get past it on my own but this time I feel like I need to once again call on the community here for support. Earlier this week, I met a girl and we got along famously. I asked her for her number and we set up a date. She was such a kind girl and seemed very enthusiastic about a date. Well, she gave me a bogus phone number as I found out when I tried calling her. That same day another girl, that I was told by a mutual friend was interested in me too, stopped talking to me for no apparent reason, I ran into another girl that I’d known before and I added her on facebook only to find out that when she saw my request, she blocked me. This has been a pattern in my life. I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve never had someone have feelings for me and I’ve either been told “no” when I ask a girl on a date, to my face, or they’ve said “yes” and given me an excuse later as to why they’re all wrong for me and won’t go on a date with me. Literally every girl and I know the meaning of the word “literally”. So that got me thinking “is there something wrong with me?” I’ve been told by a lot of people that I’m not a bad looking person and I make friends very easily, in fact I have lots of friends including close friends. People are confused when I tell them my story because they find it hard to believe I’ve never had someone. I’m a little overweight but sometimes it’s hard to tell cause I’m not THAT overweight. But the only conclusion I can come to is that I’m unattractive and that there’s something seriously wrong with me. All I want out of life is to find love, I don’t care about anything else. I’ve accomplished everything else in my life that I’ve ever dreamed of and they’ve come easily to me. Except love. It’s the one thing I’ve truly wanted in life and it’s the one thing I’ve never been able to acquire despite how hard I’ve worked to find it. That got me praying. I prayed and prayed and prayed to know why my life is like this. Why, despite so much effort, so much change I’ve made in myself physically, mentally and emotionally, why I can’t find someone even willing to give me a chance. I asked God if there’s someone out there for me and I only got the answer “No”. I’ve gotten that answer a lot. In my religion, we believe everyone will have the chance to be with someone for eternity so why am I getting the answer “No, there does exist a person for you”? Every time I get an answer from God it’s always too late. The answer I needed always come just after I really needed it and sometimes those answers came just late enough that something devastating to me happened just before the answer came. So I’ve become angry at God. It’s interesting, I believe there is a God, I believe He loves us all…except me. Because ever since I stopped praying, ever since I stopped caring for religion, not that I stopped believing but stopped caring, my life has gotten better in a lot of ways almost as if God was sabotaging my life. I thought things were getting better for me, things were finally going my way, I was meeting new people and I thought how much better it was…until this week when everything started to fall apart. I had so much confidence in myself. Confidence that I could find a girl that loved me. And yet, in one day three girls ruined all of that. All my self confidence and self esteem was crushed in one day. It’s always been low but I worked so hard to shape myself into someone I wanted to be. Now instead of looking forward to some sort of heaven or afterlife I hope there is nothing after we die because then I don’t have to be alone for all time. It’ll just be for a few more years. If we’re supposed to be happy in our life on Earth then why is it that the one thing that could truly bring me happiness is something I can never have? What is it about me that’s so repulsive to other people? Is happiness not meant for some people? It is plausible that there are exceptions to a deity’s so-called unconditional love? I see people that beat their wives and girlfriends, that murder, that are terrible people and yet, they found love. The most terrible people can have what I long for, what I desire with all my heart, and yet I can’t for some unknown reason. Why? Why did Hitler deserve love but I don’t? Why do rapists and murderers deserve love but I don’t? I don’t even care if anyone replies to this, it’s just nice to get it out there. If you do reply, just don’t say “You’ll find someone eventually” that’s the my situation equivalent of “Why don’t you just be happy?” when a person is depressed.KikiMichelleMarch 18, 2017 at 4:37 am #31118
I think we can ALL relate to these feelings.
My best friend used to get upset about the same things; she was 21 and still hadn’t had a boyfriend or even her first kiss.
I’m not going to say that you’ll find someone “eventually”, but I will tell you that meeting your love is so worth the wait. I wish I could tell my teenage self that.
Please don’t trick yourself into believing that an abusive relationship is love. Don’t confuse love with a lover.
God has a path (and love) for you just like everyone else and the best thing you can do is trust in Him and his plan. I know that waiting is hard and it’s not exactly what you want to hear, but it’s what you need. Focus less on the love you haven’t found quite yet and more on the love you already have: your friends (including us!), your family, and God.
And don’t get upset over the girls who walk away. They’re obviously not the right ones anyway.RyanTheWhiteMarch 18, 2017 at 10:39 am #31122
Hey Kiki, thanks for saying what you did. The problem for me is that I’m 24 and never even seen a slight glimmer of hope of finding someone. The culture where I live is you’re expected to get married quickly and all my friends are married. In fact it’s hard to find someone around my age because they’re mostly all married. I know that that’s not normal in the rest of the world but I still feel the pressure here. Trust me, though, I don’t confuse love with lovers I just question why these people have someone and I don’t. I guess I see the difference but it still makes me wonder, ya know? You’re right about not getting upset over the ones that walk away, I just wonder why they all walk away immediately.John WillifordMarch 20, 2017 at 7:28 am #31131
Hey Ryan. First I’d like to give you a high-five for using the word “literally” right hahaha. I’m that jerk who’s like “that’s not what ‘literally’ means” when people say things like “OMG this is literally the longest movie ever made”.
I also want to thank you for putting so many qualifiers in your initial paragraph. I see that you’re well-educated and know generally what you’re talking about, and appreciate that I can move right past the “you’ll find someone” watered down response that you might sometimes get.
To me, it sounds like God is calling out for you to love Him first. Now I’m just a random dude who doesn’t know you at all, but I’ve often found that if I’m looking this way and that trying to find something else to make me happy and give me the joy that only God can give, He shuts it down. He shuts that down because He knows that the greatest happiness is found in Him, and sometimes we need a nudge to remind us of that. Maybe this is your reminder (maybe emphasized- I don’t ever want to assume what God may or may not be doing ha).
So that’s where I’d like to focus. Why don’t you think God loves you? Why does it feel like he’s backstabbing you? Don’t worry, I’m not going to throw Bible verses at you or anything, just asking how you feel.RyanTheWhiteMarch 23, 2017 at 10:49 am #31185
The reason I feel the way I do is because for the longest time when I prayed I felt like someone was listening and then for the past few months it’s just felt like I was talking to myself and like my prayers were falling on deaf ears. Whenever I asked for help with a decision, for example I was considering moving in with a friend because his apartment had an opening (we’re students) and I just wasn’t sure what to do. Finally, I got my answer and as soon I acted on it I found out someone else had claimed the contract on the room earlier in the day just before I got my answer. That’s the not the first time something like that has happened either. I’d pray and ask for help with a decision or something important and the answer or help came just after it was too late. Another thing is, because finding someone is so important to me and also to my religion (we believe marriage doesn’t end at death but continues for eternity), I questioned why if it’s so important to find someone, why would God tell me there isn’t someone for me? So I’d ask that and I’d essentially get back “Well, sucks to be you”. So to summarize, it doesn’t feel like anyone is listening when I pray anymore, if answers come they come just late enough to make me think I’m being mocked and often times they come in the form of “Well, it sucks to be you” type answers. I always hear people talk about how they had their prayers answered. I hear it so much and I wonder “So why am I different?”. I’m definitely not a perfect person but I try to do the right thing. So, when everyone around me is experiencing God’s love why am I the only one, it seems, that isn’t? So that kinda leads me to think He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care what happens to me and He’s sick of hearing about my problems. He used to help but doesn’t anymore. Ever since I quit praying things have improved, too. Relationships with people have improved, I’ve learned so much about myself and life and I’ve even had success in finding someone (small success but more than before). So those are the reasons why I don’t think God cared about me, why He was sabotaging me. If live was miserable when I tried to make Him the center, why is it better with Him gone? All this isn’t to say I don’t believe in God anymore. I’ve had experiences that confirm to me the presence of a God. I know He exists and I’ll never deny that, I just wonder what the nature of our relationship is.John WillifordMarch 28, 2017 at 7:22 am #31285
Hey RyanTheWhite- sorry about the delay! The wife and I were on vacation.
I want to encourage you in telling you that God not responding to people each time we pray to him is very much typical and describes the Christian life. It very much does seem that we’re talking to the ceiling in most cases, and it’s hard because it feels like He’s not there. First I just wanted to say that that’s OK, and doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Prayer, and the other ways God communicates with us is a total complete mystery. For me, I often find that God lets me decide on the bigger issues, when I’d really just like if He’d put it on a damn billboard ha.
What I can say, definitely, is that the phrase “Sucks to be you” isn’t coming from God. The feeling that everyone else is experiencing God, and they all jump for joy in their bedrooms when they pray and everything is rainbows and sunshine also is coming from somewhere else. To be sure, people pray to God all the time, and He does come through, but a life of prayer is a hard one, often fraught with doubt and difficulty.
I super relate to your end part, about how you believe in God. I joined the Marines when I was 18 and went through a period where I just decided to do whatever I wanted. I decided to get hammered all the time, sleep around, and become a terrible person, and I rationalized it away by saying, “If God doesn’t want me to do this stuff, He’ll change my heart.” Well, He didn’t, and I hated Him. It wasn’t until I stopped worshipping at the shrine that looked like me, did God come around and begin to help me through again. It wasn’t that I stopped believing in Him, I just thought He was awful and wondered why I couldn’t do all these fun things.
My suggestion would be- ask Him! God has reached out and become a human person so that we could relate to Him, and it’s OK to look up and say, “God…what the hell? Why doesn’t this make sense? Help!” In those moments I like to picture God laughing and putting an arm around us, not scolding and pointing a finger.
I’m also interested in something you said- about your religion and marriage. I’m guessing from what you’ve said that you’re Christian, but that your religion means a different denomination. Want to elaborate on that? I’m super interested! I’m also a super-nerd, and love to talk theology, and you seem like an educated person.RyanTheWhiteApril 1, 2017 at 11:02 am #31353
Hey, I’ve been a little busy. As far as my religion and our views on marriage go, I’m Mormon (so, yeah, Christian) and live in Utah. The marriage aspect here is cultural as opposed to religious but people get married really quickly. Like early 20’s quickly and that’s normal. I’ve had a lot of friends have mini breakdowns cause they’re 22-23 and not married and they think they won’t be. They don’t realize it’s normal to not get married until later in life which is something I try to remember but you still feel pressure here. Marriage is huge for us and sometimes that makes dating complicated because girls get it into their head that they need to have this perfect standard of man and can’t accept that most people will never achieve the level they want from him. The biggest problem is that people get married after dating an incredibly short amount of time. I’m talking like meet, date and marry in just a couple months. I know a couple that met, dated and married in 3 weeks…(Utah has a very high divorce rate) another problem is, since most people marry really early and I’m 24, it’s like I’m old to most people and it’s actually hard to find girls my age that are single.
I like what you said about God letting us decide on bigger issues. It’s always been my belief that God wants us to decide for ourselves first and then He’ll tell us if something is right or wrong based on our weighing pros and cons and calculations and whatnot. I think God sees potential outcomes as opposed to a concrete future so He knows if we’re on the right track for our lives. He gave us the freedom to choose for ourselves and He wants us to use that, ya know? So, I think when we receive a certain answer it’s God saying “Hey, keep going down this path and this will be the result. But if you choose something different, it could be a different result entirely”.Need_help2705April 1, 2017 at 11:13 am #31354
I know.exactly how.you feel… and I’m.gonna.tell.you the most cliche thing ever… in.my opinion you are more than enough and there’s nothing wrong with you at all… you just need to enjoy being alone. The best things come to those who wait.believe me you will soon find someone who you can relate to and who brings you immense happiness.it’s just a matter of time.John WillifordApril 3, 2017 at 7:12 am #31373
Oh you’re Mormon! Awesome! One on my closest friends is Mormon, and while I can’t totally relate with exactly what you’re going through, he’s often lamented the state of dating in the church. Does it feel like you have to be with someone? Do you feel like a failure, or that you’re not connected, if you’re not with someone? In any case, it does sounds like you’re handling it well.KentyApril 3, 2017 at 11:18 am #31381
Hey. I can relate to your story although I’m agnostic.
I’m 23 and I never had a girlfriend, never went further that the first date. I think that our society put too much importance on being on relationship. You can also find hapiness in your hobbies and career. Some people in a relationship are not even happy.
By being single, you’e got the opportunity to define yourself. It ain’t no easy task but you are developing strength and resilience.
Keep growing yourself and have faith.RyanTheWhiteApril 3, 2017 at 10:36 pm #31398
Well first, thanks everyone for responding. Kenty, I’m in the same boat. 24, never had a girlfriend, I’ve had a second date before but then it went horribly, horribly wrong. As far as my feelings towards being with someone, they can be best summed up in a Bring Me the Horizon lyric “I’m scared to get close and I hate being alone”. Because I do hate being alone but I’m scared to go get what I want because I’m afraid that it will end up like all my past ventures. I don’t feel like it’s something I have to do, though. I’ve always been great at ignoring pressure from anyone but myself so I don’t really care if others are telling me to get married. I act on what I, myself, want. So to say that I want to be married is coming from a desire that I have myself. I feel like it’s something I need in my life. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I’ve come to the conclusion that the thing I desire most in life is connection. I long for connection between myself and someone else. I see a relationship with someone as an ultimate form of connection. I think I do see myself as a failure if I’m not with someone but at the same time I’ve never been with anyone in the first place so it’s hard to tell. Kind of like saying I don’t know how I feel about Indian food because I’ve only ever seen it and never tasted, ya know? (Incidentally, Indian food is my favorite food) But I do look at myself and wonder why I’ve never had success in that realm. I have to think what it is that’s going wrong. I know mentally that there’s nothing wrong with me but empirically it seems like there is something wrong. Something that happened to me just this last weekend really opened my eyes and made me learn one of my flaws. I was with this girl I’m kinda into and a mutual friend of ours. I realized it was very hard to act myself around her because I kinda see her as this person that is higher than me. Like she’s better than me and subsequently, we had a very awkward car ride together. Perhaps that’s something I need to overcome before I can successfully move forward with my goal of a relationship. I’m not sure how to do that though.
Ultimately, I guess I feel that being in a real, genuine relationship with someone is something I need in my life. I want that connection with another human being that you can’t get from even the closest friend and I can’t seem to get it no matter which angle I attack from. I feel like in some form I am a failure if I’m not with someone because I see everyone around me getting married and entering relationships and I think “why not me?”. I know so many people that can get into a relationship with someone just by looking at them it seems and yet as hard as I try I can’t even get a first date to actually happen. It feels like I’m missing out on something I need. I don’t know what kind of music you guys listen to but I assume we all pretty much have similar tastes due to this website being created by Jake Luhrs. But in the song Jesus Christ by Brand New there are some really powerful lyrics that I relate to quite well and they are “Do you believe you’re missing out? Like everything good is happening somewhere else but with nobody in your bed the night’s hard to get through” and then later “Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again so what did you do those three days you were dead? Cause this problem’s gonna last more than the weekend”. Those two lyrics describe my feelings to a tee. My feelings of happiness have varied lately because I love self improvement and I’ve been improving myself physically and mentally and that makes me happy. I’m also happy with the direction of my life because I’m following the path that will secure my happiness in the long run (I refuse to end up in a place where I wake up and hate my life, where sleep is better than the day) but I’m unhappy because I feel I need someone to share that with.
Also, thanks for the positive response to finding out I’m Mormon! It’s a pleasant surprise when someone reacts positively to that.John WillifordApril 4, 2017 at 7:13 am #31402
Of course man! He’s one of my closest friends- I tried SO hard to get him to have a beer in college, but he wouldn’t budge! Good guy.
Anyway, looks like you’re just placed firmly within the tension of being single! I think two things are both true here:
– It’s good to be single. Just because you’re not with someone doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
– It’s also good to be with someone. It’s ok to want that, but it might not be for you yet!
So you’re in that place! It’s a little back-and-forth, but hey, that’s life. The only thing I want to super-stress is that it’s not you! That’s just life.John WillifordApril 4, 2017 at 12:27 pm #31406
Oh and my buddy sent me this article and said it helped him through a similar spot! https://www.lds.org/blog/youre-not-messing-up-gods-plan-for-you?__prclt=lrJflzFAKentyApril 4, 2017 at 1:58 pm #31407
You know what is incredible Ryan ? You know what you want and that’s already a huge step.
Yeah i like Brand New a lot (I saw them in Groezrock/ Belgium because I’m from there) 🙂 But e have to stop thinking about what we are missing out because it does not matter, maybe there had been things I couldn’t have done if I had been in a relationship.
Sending you all my courage.
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