• Chardonnay
    September 12, 2017 at 6:55 pm #33813

    I’ve been suffering from Acute Stress and Emotional and Social Deprivation, as well as poor sleep, for about two and a half years now;

    I also suffer from Bi-Polar Disorder and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, together with a number of stomach issues and a left inner-ear problems;

    I was brought up in a small Christian Community. About two and a half years ago, I was effectively kicked out of my local and national church for becoming too involved in Politics – they isolated me so badly, that this caused me huge Emotional, Social and Spiritual stress… Losing so many Friendships and Relationships effectively feels like a form of Bereavement; I also rarely see my own family, as they live quite far away – I have been trying to move for two years now, but being on Disability Benefits and having two cats makes it very difficult to find anywhere that is not unaffordable for me.

    Anyway, amongst Comfort-Eating and Over-Spending, I turned to Pornography to help relieve some of this Stress and Frustration. Unfortunately, this led me down the path of looking at younger and younger young women and girls on the Internet and I was eventually Convicted for this. I now have some ridiculously harsh Conditions that are mostly very unfair and greatly hinder me from getting on with my life and live a normal Family and Church life. I am fighting some of these Conditions through the Courts, but, other than occasional Legal Advice, I am having to do this all on my own. I actually quite enjoy Law, but when it is my own case, it is very Stressful and highly Emotional for me, especially when High Courts Judges misquote documents and use the partially misleading words of the Crown Court Judge, and also do not follow Precedent English Law in a number of key points.

    I am rarely getting out of the house and, apart from a very close friend, my only regular friends are online on Facebook and the conversation there is fairly minimal; one of the local Church Elders visits me every three weeks or so to play Scrabble with me; also, one old couple from the Church have me over about once every five or six weeks (two younger ‘Sisters’ from the Church also used to visit me about once every six weeks, alternately, but the withdrew after my Pornography Conviction – I am told, after a year, that they will resume visiting me as before, providing I do not e-mail them again about not visiting me for so long).

    John Williford
    September 13, 2017 at 9:20 am #33820

    Hey Chardonnay – thanks for being open and honest with us, I’m sure it wasn’t easy.

    I want to address you getting kicked out of your church. You say that you became too political- tell us more about that. How did that all go down? That situation seems to be a source of a lot of what you’re struggling with here.

    Chardonnay
    September 13, 2017 at 1:07 pm #33827

    ‘My’ church had/has a historical position of not being involved in Politics or Voting. I took a different view and understanding of this (morally and Biblically, to wit, “Loving Your Neighbours as Yourself” and “Pleading the causes of the Widow and Orphan” and Prisoner, etc.) and gradually got more and more involved, posting frequently about human and animal rights and welfare on both Facebook and Twitter, as well as directly Petitioning UK Parliament via my local MP. Primarily due to this, and also my questioning of various rather bizarre or far-fetched parts of the Old Testament, I heard they planned to ‘Disfellowship’ me, so I Resigned my ‘Membership’ of the Community before they could do so (believing it is better to jump, than be pushed!) Before this, the hand stopped me going to any of their ‘Meetings’. Initially, they would only let me go to their weekly public ‘Meetings’, but that didn’t last long, as they claimed I was being “divisive” with my differing views and my questioning of the Elders’ decisions.

    John Williford
    September 14, 2017 at 8:26 am #33839

    How did it make you feel when you left? What kind of church was it? I’m a pastor, and get pretty annoyed at churches who become a stumbling block for believers.

    Chardonnay
    September 14, 2017 at 10:16 am #33842

    I had returned to this Community after leaving it for sixteen years. I attended this new local church for a year and a half, before becoming a full member of it. The first four and a half years were great, and they were very kind and loving towards me, apart from when they stopped me going for three months over my interest and involvement in Politics. They also strongly discouraged me from playing free or low buy-in Poker Tournaments (I am an expert in Pre-Flop Poker Odds and I even have a very cool Invention of Illustrated Flash Cards for NLHE Poker, which could’ve potentially made me millions… and still should, really). I had to basically agree to stop talking about both things, other than privately or one-to-one with others. I don’t want to say which Church it is, as these posts are public. It’s a relatively small Denomination. Some would say a Cult. I would say more of a small Denomination with significant Cultish-tendencies. Being cut-off for another four months, then being forced to Resign from the local church and also the national Community, was very depressing and stressful. The isolation is the worst thing. You also get scapegoated and spoken about as the “troublemaker” and “divisive” and the church takes little, if any, blame. They say things like, “Well, we are all agreed that you are wrong. Why can’t you see things the way we do?” To be fair, I did take an awful lot of their Elders’ time and energy, particularly as I massively Over-Communicate and become Over-Defensive, Over-Aggressive and Over-Assertive when I am very stressed, largely due to my Bi-Polar Disorder. Losing friends and interactions with lovely children and visitors to the church has been Emotionally and Spiritually painful and traumatic for me. I suffer from mood swings, anger and deep depression and obsessive behaviour as a result. I also find it difficult to go out and meet new people. I just don’t know where to go. My Conditions over the Pornography make this even harder, as my terms of Disproportionate and Oppressive. I already had enough to deal with in my life – I am not young anymore – I’m now about 50, although I don’t look anywhere near that – I am still Single (never married and never had any Children of my own) and very frustrated Companionship-wise, Romantically and Sexually. I am not even getting any Hugs or Cuddles, let alone any Intimacy. I do have a very close friend and they are a great listener and very supportive, but we wear each other out talking about it all over and over. At a number of times over the last two and a half years, I have considered Suicide or, at least, felt my life was no longer worth living, due too all of the Stress and Isolation. Putting all of this into words doesn’t really begin to explain how bad, lonely, stressed and depressed this has all made me (and my life was not easy before that either). I also have a number of minor to moderate health problems that spoil my Quality of Life. My Faith is now very low and I find myself Questioning almost everything. I still regard myself as a New Testament Christian, though. Due to some of my serious doubts about parts of the Old Testament, I now call myself an Agnostic Christian, but I have mostly not been to any Church for two and a half years now, and none since my harsh Conditions were imposed. I want to be part of a Compassionate, non-Judgemental, Loving and Gracious Church, but it is so, so difficult to find one who would help let me put my past behind me as much as I can….

    John Williford
    September 15, 2017 at 8:32 am #33868

    Definitely. Finding a church that will accept what you’ve been through is difficult. Well, to be more honest, people are difficult!

    How can we help at HeartSupport? How can we help you get on a road where suicide doesn’t come up as a solution?

    John Williford
    September 15, 2017 at 8:33 am #33869

    Definitely. Finding a church that will accept what you’ve been through is difficult. Well, to be more honest, people are difficult!

    How can we help at HeartSupport? How can we help you get on a road where suicide doesn’t come up as a solution?

    Chardonnay
    September 15, 2017 at 9:13 am #33872

    I feel so honoured to have two identical replies, John! ;?)

    I think I have misunderstood the purpose of this site and forum – I thought it was for Counselling and advice for the chronically depressed and stressed. I am not quite Suicidal and I’ve only once attempted to take my own life and that was about three decades ago…

    John Williford
    September 15, 2017 at 6:15 pm #33887

    Haha I must have submitted twice!

    I must have misunderstood- above you said you’d considered suicide a number of times over the past few years. So I was going off of that, to see how we could work to help you find a route to healing.

    Chardonnay
    September 19, 2017 at 6:04 pm #33921

    Well, yes, I have at times begun to consider it – having cats to take care of has helped stop me, plus I know my life might get better in the coming months and years – hopefully!

    marla76
    September 21, 2017 at 11:07 am #33960

    Please talk here. You don’t deserve to suffer like this, you sound like a good person.I can’t imagine going through anxiety for that long.I am sorry you are having such trouble sleeping.I take Ambien on and off and it gives me at least 4 hours of sleep.it does help and I don’t feel really drugged in the morning. Everyone is different, so you have to try it and see how it works for you. It does work fairly quickly compared to anti-depressants. It doesn’t seem to have bad side-effects for me.I have been on it for around 4 years. I DO NOT take it every night. I take it only when I cannot sleep for three-four days.I have a really good experience with Ambien so far. It simply puts you to sleep, no drugged feeling the next day. I don’t need to take it while in bed, I could force myself to stay awake on it. But if I lie down and turn the light out, off I go! Takes about 20 minutes for it to kick in for me.Ambien does not give me restorative sleep, but at least I sleep. Now, if my husband would stop snoring!

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